Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 02-17-2011, 01:48 AM
dub1h's Avatar
dub1h dub1h is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
Default

Hey River, the older post you rummaged up was actually a different girl. That past relationship was a lot more focused physically. This one was a lot more emotional.

That being said....I ended the relationship today. I couldn't really handle it.

Do you think poly is designed more for a standard circumstance? (I know...they're all different) I just feel like starting to date two people at once was a bad start from the get go. There was no established "anchor" if you will. It felt like a competition because both of the males were in a love race, simply because we started at the starting gate together.

I feel like poly is better suited for a slow build. A strong love is created first, the first partner is waiting at the finish line, already knowing that she loves him strongly and unconditionally. Then another person enters at the starting line and slowly works their way in too.

I wish she didn't create this situation....but I guess I will find love again that is more nurturing of a budding relationship. I hate to seem like I am blaming her. I know that everyone is human and makes mistakes. Unfortunately this mistake separated us. It was a wonderful experience to have known her. God, how I wish it could have continued.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 02-21-2011, 01:57 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,942
Default

Poly isn't really "designed" to be any particular way.

I disagree with the notion that it's a bad idea to start two relationships at once, or very close to each new beginning. I must disagree because that's where I find myself now. After being separated from my husband, I started dating while the divorce is being finalized. I have no interest in finding "The One" and embraced polyamory. I can't say I'm really living a poly lifestyle yet, but it's what I aspire to, and I'm hoping that multiple loving relationships will come out of my dating life. I have been told that I am actually rather lucky to be at this point because it can be much more difficult to introduce a new love to an established relationship. If multiple relationships all start pretty much around the same time, it's easier to establish ground rules (so to speak), to make sure it's a level playing field, and everyone knows going in what to expect. That's how I see it anyway.

It seems the problems you guys were having had a lot to do with your GF's other guy being anti-poly, and your insecurities which come from having an attachment to things needing to go a certain way. Now you know what to be on the alert for if you want to pursue poly again.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 02-21-2011 at 02:02 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 02-21-2011, 04:35 AM
dub1h's Avatar
dub1h dub1h is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
Default

Quote:
It seems the problems you guys were having had a lot to do with your GF's other guy being anti-poly, and your insecurities which come from having an attachment to things needing to go a certain way. Now you know what to be on the alert for if you want to pursue poly again.
I wonder a lot about what I could have done differently. In my mind, I felt like the only way things could work is if there was open communication between us all.

Most of the people I talk to about this immediately respond with "Oh you deserve better...a girl that will focus on only you".
I mean, I sort of felt like I was not really taken seriously towards the end. She wouldn't bring stuff up with the other guy because he would close up and not want to talk about stuff. She was just waiting for things to be perfect before she really attacked what was causing me so much discomfort.

But then again, she was always there for me to talk. Before work, during classes, whenever I brought up my discomfort she would be willing to talk, even if it brought her to tears.

I guess things just weren't meant to be.

But how could things have worked? I could waste a lot of time thinking about that, but I want to have a more open mind of how things can actually work. Why did I get so tightly wound around the one idea? Why couldn't I see things working out any other way?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
jealousy, metamours

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:13 PM.