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Old 02-20-2011, 08:33 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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I don't think it's so much the fact that he was or wasn't filling all of those needs before. I don't think I related to what those needs were. I've always been happy. Every day we are together I love him more and more. He's an incredible man, and he treats me like a queen.

Before we met, I always felt polyamorous..I didn't know the name of it. I could honestly have feelings for more than one person, unfortunately, many times it wasn't reciprocated the way I felt and led to short term relationships or FWBs. Yes, as society teaches us you fall in love, get married, have children... that's the way it's suppose to be. That's what I did. I fell in love with Drew, we were immediately faced with hardships of moving overseas where everybody was a stranger. We only really had each other. We had a few close friends, but we weren't ones to go out and party so we never REALLY got to know most of them that great. Had we stayed where we were, I may have realized it sooner as we would have been around friends and places we were comfortable, maybe?

We've been here in Louisiana for over 3 years now. Our friendships have grown, we've met a lot of good people, now that we are more settled not only in location, but with our marriage and how much we've grown while we were together overseas, I think it opened up this greater world of communication and experiences. I know he regrets that first day, when I asked him if I could kiss J that really got a lot of this started... but I don't. Not because I found this poly side of me... but because I feel like I can be a better wife to him, a better mother. I'm a much more sexual person now, not that I didn't enjoy it before, but whatever it is that changed, made me crave it, where before I didn't, not since that NRE period faded away.

Yes, with that comes change. It comes with sharing my time, but not my love. That would be like saying that because I love my kids, or my family, that I'm taking away that love from him.. but I'm not.

So while in his eyes I've changed.. I really haven't. I just discovered who I always was.. this experience didn't make me poly, it just made me realize that it was comfortable for me. It filled some part that I didn't realize was missing. So we are still stuck... between him not wanting to say no, but thinking if he does I'll just do it anyway. Me wanting to refrain from the poly thing, because i don't want to hurt him, but cringing at the thought of it at the same time. I wont do anything without his permission, because he is my husband and I love him dearly. As hard as it is, if he's not okay with it, or at least willing to keep pressing forward, I can't do that to him.

Amidst all of this, and totally unrelated, I joined a roller derby team in January. It's awesome, I find my place there as well. I feel tough and sexy. Being part of the team has me out going to events that call for sexy dress...I feel amazing, I have this self confidence I didn't have before. Unfortunately he sees it all a part of the poly thing since it all happened at once, and that's another big change that's getting lumped together. It's all too much too fast I suppose. I still dress normal when I'm not doing derby stuff...but because I never really dressed sexy before it's a huge difference for him.

Inwardly, I always wanted to dress sexy and am some what of a closet exhibitionist, but I've always been self conscious about my body which kept me restrained. I felt too shy, and worried about peoples opinions to let what I felt come out. Even in front of Drew. I would take suggestive, but not too revealing photos of myself. I hated having sex with the lights on, or even take a shower. All of a sudden I have that... and it feels good to have that confidence about myself. Is it the derby thing? The poly thing? A mixture of both? I can't say for certain, but I feel like it's a positive change.. where as he is unsure. He's caught in the "I like what all of this has done for you.. but I don't like the reasons behind it". I don't know how we can get through it, except that one of us has to give....
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