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  #11  
Old 02-20-2011, 06:58 PM
abhainn abhainn is offline
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Hi Grounded Spirit, thanks for your thoughts.

Indeed it is a case, that I have never explored the areas he has. I have, in footnotes and between the lines, not wanting to pressure him, expressed that I'd like to explore with him. I have now said it more clearly, so that we both know where we are at. But, it may be, that for one reason or other, he won't want to do that.

I don't know, would somebody who has experience of this end of things enlighten me, if you're going out with someone with less varied sexual experience, is it a bother and a burden to teach? That is what I'm most worried about, and don't want to put that task on him.

It has been complicated. I came to this relationship, branded as a lesbian, after a near complete four year selibate brought on by an absolutely devastating sexual experience(s) and I had not thought I would ever be getting close to a man again, ever. From my point of view, much of the last 6 months has gone in getting used to poly, on one hand, but perhaps more so, moving from a very fearful and traumatised disposition to a place where it is actually ok and safe to let go with a man, with this man.

So, I fully understand it has not been very interesting kind of sex for him.

Perhaps, how I see it is that for me there has already been a long journey in the sexual aspect of this relationship. What was overwhelming and frightening is now comfortable and easy. From here, I am be happy to continue to new ground. From his point of view it might be that "we've had sex for so long, and it has not changed, developed, got any more interesting". And so he is giving up on it. For me it has been progressive, for him static.

Again, I don't know yet how well he is aware of the journey I've made, he knows the bones of my experience but I haven't been using him as my psychoanalyst. If that journey is something he is mindful of, then he might think that what he would like sexually might be tremendously triggering for me. But then again, it might have nothing to do with this. The only way to find out is to talk.

Yes, it is complicated. Nothing wrong with complicated, I just hope to be able to work things out, for both of us.
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  #12  
Old 02-20-2011, 07:51 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Sounds like you've made a move forward. As I said before, there is no rush. Perhaps it is better that he has other partners to have the kind of sex he needs with. That way he can get his needs met and move slowly with you into something that IS enjoyable for both of you. The desperate need to have sex, I would think, would not be on the forefront for him.

Congrats on getting down to some solid affirmations of who you both are to each other...

Your posts seem lighter as a result. Please keep us posted if you are willing.
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  #13  
Old 02-20-2011, 08:42 PM
abhainn abhainn is offline
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Yes, redpepper. That move was much provoked by your insights, especially the question ~~~ "are you ready to be vulnerable". It's the thing, you need to have (well, I do) certain level of trust before you can step out in the open.

Worthwhile!
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  #14  
Old 02-22-2011, 04:18 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by abhainn View Post
..............
Again, I don't know yet how well he is aware of the journey I've made, he knows the bones of my experience but I haven't been using him as my psychoanalyst. If that journey is something he is mindful of, then he might think that what he would like sexually might be tremendously triggering for me. But then again, it might have nothing to do with this. The only way to find out is to talk.

Yes, it is complicated. Nothing wrong with complicated, I just hope to be able to work things out, for both of us.
Hi Abhain,

Yes - you are wise to point to more good communication. Sexuality can be complex and it's so good to hear you've made some leaps from bad prior experience. That's not something I've ever experienced so I can only guess how difficult it is for some people. But you're moving forward - that's the main thing.
I've known people who manage an almost complete reversal once they discovered that the 'bad' experience was an exception rather than the rule. Seems they put that behind them and want to make up for all the lost time of fear and pain.

As I see RP has pointed out in a later post, it may well be a good thing he has some outlet with someone more comfortable with his style - for now. And it certainly is an act of empathy that he may not want to push you into areas that may open up old wounds.
YOU are the one who has to take charge of this situation. Only you understands your comfort level with certain things so only you can guide/coax him into exploring these areas with you. So yes, you have to TALK !
He'll likely be a little timid even at first out of concern for you but it can also be extremely exciting to be a part of a flower opening to it's potential ! VERY exciting It's (potentially) a very bonding experience.

It's also great that you didn't trap him in the role of analyst. That doesn't work in a relationship. But he can gain a basic understanding of the journey you are on without having all the details - or background.

Be adventurous. Take the lead. Tell him you REALLY want to explore this or that And initiate it sometimes ! The more positive experiences you have the more you'll wipe out and disassociate the negative past. Brains are very plastic. You can be (sexually) who you want to be once you truly believe this

Good luck !

GS
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  #15  
Old 02-23-2011, 04:21 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hi Abhainn, just a word of encouragement from someone who has felt herself to be the inexperienced/slightly boring partner and actually asked the more experienced one to teach her;

Don't assume just because somebody is more experienced and willing to act as your teacher that YOU have nothing to teach them. Each partner, I find, is able to teach us something new, and we to them. Things you used to enjoy with partner A might not be on the table with partner B, and that doesn't necessarily make partner B less interesting. Feeling lack of interest in sex with you might also be a consequence of him not feeling he can be vulnerable, willing to learn, modify his style etc.

Like a friend of mine (considerably more experienced than I am) put it; there's only so much you can learn of the basic technique. Once you have the technique, good sex is 50 % enthusiasm about your partner and 50 % compatibility.
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