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  #11  
Old 02-08-2011, 04:33 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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and just like that... it was over.

I'm actually ending this. I'm not strong enough to go through all of the questions, and not knowing. I don't know that J knows what I really want, and I don't think he really wants to fill that roll.

Maybe someday, somebody will come into our life that will not only let me give some of my great big heart, but appreciate that, and maybe even give some back.

But for now, I'm so glad that I had this experience that not only taught me so much about myself, but brought my relationship with my hubby into this new deeper dimension. We have definitely grown from this, and for that I am grateful.

So with lots of tears, I guess this is the end of the beginning. I'll still be reading a lot though.. this is the place for me. I feel comfortable here with all of your big hearts.
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  #12  
Old 02-08-2011, 02:19 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hmmm, why not enjoy what you have without trying to make it into something else? Seems hasty to me to leave because you cannot mold something so new into a different thing, rather than going with the flow and just... being with the good stuff you've got.
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  #13  
Old 02-09-2011, 04:30 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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You have a very valid point.

It's not quite over. We had a misunderstanding, and I thought J was being disrespectful, which I don't think I deserve. It wasn't so much because I can't mold it, though you are right, that I am struggling with that. More of the disrespected feeling. It did get a few things out there on the table though. He's coming over tomorrow so we can talk about them, just him and I. We'll see where it leads.

Hubby and I talked last night, and I don't want it to end, but I don't want to feel this way either, of course that was before things got somewhat straightened out this morning. Either way, we don't regret it one bit.. we've grown so much!!

Gah! Why does this have to be so hard??? I think it doesn't help that I'm overly emotional and totally PMSing right now
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  #14  
Old 02-09-2011, 08:10 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JenAgain View Post
Gah! Why does this have to be so hard??? I think it doesn't help that I'm overly emotional and totally PMSing right now
Ahh, fucking hormones!!!
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  #15  
Old 02-10-2011, 09:31 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Okay, *sigh* we are all back in a good place for the moment. As long as I can keep my crazy hormones in check.

So, nycindie, I'm taking your advice and enjoying it for what it is, for as long as it's here.

Thinking positive, positive, positive!
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  #16  
Old 02-17-2011, 01:52 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Still here.. still hanging on! Another week of ups and downs with J.

I've been trying really hard not to have expectations, and it worked well for a few days. My roller derby team had a karaoke fundraiser Saturday night, he surprised me by showing up and stayed the whole time, even sang a song with me and one of our other guy friends.

Hubby isn't one for bars, and he was acting a little cranky (which I found out why later) so when J asked us if we wanted to go out to another place after and he said no, but told me I could go if I wanted. I decided to stay and keep singing/dancing until J and our other friend were ready to go. We went to a pool hall where I met a bunch of people that Hubby works with, which was a little awkward since he wasn't there, but neat that I could put some faces to names.

So, I made another mistake and invited J over after without asking hubby and he got a bit upset about it. When I got home I asked him if there was something wrong and he didn't tell me at first, then in the morning he came in and told me what was bothering him. I apologized and will make sure to clear it with him before I invite J over again.

I wasn't expecting to see J again until late next week, as he is going out of town for an event. So I was surprised Tuesday when he sent me a text to see what I was doing for dinner, and seemed happy and upbeat about it. I told him what I was making and what time to show. Then he never showed up.... what the heck? He is habitually late, so I texted him back teasing him about it, nothing... called him after an hour thinking maybe he fell asleep... nothing. Called again at the two hour mark.. nothing. I was getting really upset because I couldn't figure out what happened between 2pm and 6pm that he would make him do a complete 180.

I couldn't think of any other explanation except that he must have fallen asleep (he has a crazy sleep schedule due to working midshift and having day appointments, etc), so I texted his roommate who told me he was there and awake which made me really angry. There was no excuse for at least not calling or sending a message and saying he wasn't going to make it for whatever reason.

He was acting rather nonchalant about it and I was getting more and more angry thinking all of this wasn't a good idea. I asked him to call me and I told him how all of this made me feel, and not only was it upsetting me, but it was upsetting hubby that he was treating me like this. He apologized and insisted he didn't mean to. That I was right, he should have called when he woke up and said said what happened. He asked if he could come the following night (last night), and he promised he would show.

I was angry with myself for letting myself get upset. I've been trying not to have expectations but when it was his idea to come for dinner I thought he would at least show. I hate that feeling, I feel weak.

He did show up last night, with chocolate even. We had a nice dinner with the kids (hubby works swings so he wasn't there with us), and once I got them in bed we had good conversation and snuggles. We talked about the situation some. He said that sometimes it worries him, but he couldn't give an exact example. That's when he backs off. I told him to try and see how it looks from my side and he said he could understand that and apologized and never meant to hurt either one of us.

He didn't stay too long as he had a long drive to the airport to catch a flight, but I felt like it was a positive step in the right direction. I'm still going to try not to have expectations, and just play it by ear. I didn't know it was going to be this hard!
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  #17  
Old 02-18-2011, 12:48 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Since our whole adventure started I've felt at home with the poly thing. It feels natural and a part of me. In my intro I said that I don't feel like my hubby is lacking anywhere.. I think he's perfect! What I don't really get and what I can't explain is that J brings something different to my life, it makes my happy.. happier I guess? Yet I don't feel like I'm missing anything from hubby. He doesn't get that. Heck, I'm not sure I really get it. He feels this sense of inadequacy, even though I tell him over and over again that he does everything for me that I could imagine.. what J brings, he just can't because it's different.

I think that's part of what has made this whole transition so difficult for him, and the natural jealousy thing of course. He sees me on a day to day basis, and I'm happy, but I do have my usual stresses. Business, kids, house...he helps so much with all he can, and I appreciate that, but I still stress about a lot of it. Especially lately as I've been really busy.

Since J isn't really involved in that part of our lives, when I see him, it's like an escape from that stress. I should also mention that it's not hubby that stresses me out at all.. he is my rock in all of this. I hate to see him hurting though. I feel guilty because he's going through these tough feelings. I feel like I'm being selfish and putting myself first. He doesn't like making me feel guilty so he's stuck between a rock and a hard place. I guess it sucks because we both care so much about each other, and we both want to fulfill each others needs, but there is one I have that he can't possibly fill, and it's not his fault, it's just the difference between him and I. He doesn't understand it no matter how many different ways I try and explain it.

How does one explain poly to a mono minded person?
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  #18  
Old 02-19-2011, 05:20 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Well, I can't explain poly to a mono more than to say:

It's like with any friend. This one is fun to shoe shop with, this one is fun to watch a movie with, that one is fun to go hiking with, this one is fun to talk about religion with, that one is fun to talk about our kids with, this one is fun to cook with or do a craft, etc etc.

People are different and each friend we have fills a slightly different need. Personally I'd never be so arrogant as to think I could completely fulfill every need my gf has for what she looks for in a friend. So, with lovers, it just takes that and adds the sex/romance bit to it. Variety is the spice of life! New lovers can bring you new sexual tricks that you can then try out with your primary. New lovers can bring you a different perspective on life that can enrich your short journey on this plane. Ideally new lovers will enhance and enrich your relationship with your primary, not threaten and diminish it.

Of course, in my case, I am a cis-gendered* woman, and my gf is a pre-op transwoman. If I date a man, I get a guy who likes his cock and likes using it (she dislikes hers and wishes she had a vagina, so this hampers her enjoyment of sex sometimes). If I date a woman, I get to play with a vagina (tho I have not dated a cis-gendered woman since my gf and I met).

When my gf dates a guy (she has a bf now, since last November and is in love with him), she gets gender affirmation and the thrill of looking like a heterosexual couple when they are out alone together. (Before she started transitioning, she was living as a man and when she had a gf, they had the appearance of a het couple, but with her as "the man," it never felt right. And if she dated a guy, feeling like a gay male couple never felt quite right either.)

*cis-gendered-- born with a body to match the gender in your head
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  #19  
Old 02-20-2011, 02:25 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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Arrogant? Maybe. But I think for the first six and a half years of our marriage, I filled all the needs she had. So is it wrong for me to be fighting with the fact that I can no longer fill all those needs? It's not easy to know somebody for that long, and watch them change a lot of things about themselves that you didn't know.
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  #20  
Old 02-20-2011, 03:51 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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It might be worth looking at the idea that you *did* fulfill all of her needs for those six years. If there's a need she has that she knows you can't meet, she may have just been working to deal without it, especially in a marriage where the assumption is monogamy. There may have even been needs where she couldn't have put a name to it until it was being met.

I know in my situation, the above is true. I've always known there where things that Mal can't do for me, desires I have for a partner (mental, emotional, and sexual) that he's just not going to be able to fulfill. But I love him, deeply and passionately, he does meet quite a lot of needs for me, and I never, ever want to leave him. When we were first married, I was willing to do without everything he couldn't give me; it wasn't something I was happy about, but from the mindset of monogamy it was that or leave him, and there was no way in hell that I would leave him. I haven't had another partner yet, but simply the philosophical shift to polyamory that I *could* have those needs met means a lot to me, because it tells me that I don't have to deny those needs in order to stay with Mal.

This may not be the case in your situation, but it may be worth thinking about / talking to Jen about.
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