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Old 09-12-2009, 04:49 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 81

"Part of me wants to tell this guy to grow up. He does not HAVE to roll over and start snoring right after blowing a load. Sorry to be crude, but that's what it SOUNDS like. I know you're going to write a long reply clarifying about how affectionate and shit he is after finishing, etc. etc. That is not really necessary."

Actually, I'm not going to clarify in a long response. He IS usually very affectionate afterwards (in our house it's a joke that she's the guy because sex gets her hyper and she rarely wants "afterglow cuddle" while he and I do). However, I agree with your general assessment, and I think it's because it's SO not who he usually is that I find it so hard to come to terms with...

Yes, he does have MS, and there are times when walking afterwards is hard. That said, he usually knows when that will be the case, and OBVIOUSLY I'd never expect him to have sex with me downstairs if he felt especially weak that day. On the rare occasions when it happens unexpectedly, it's only an issue for a few minutes. It's never like he couldn't get up the stairs, but it isn't impossible he might have to wait a few minutes. However, it's not about the MS. He outright said that it's an annoyance because he doesn't want to have to get up after, he wants to go right to sleep, or at least have the option to (which isn't what happens when they have alone time and have sex downstairs because they're not going to bed after that anyway).

So, yeah... it's a very sort of teenage boy type attitude and so not how he normally acts about such matters. But I guess there's nothing "normal" about our situation, now, either (even though it feels pretty normal at this point).
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Old 09-12-2009, 12:30 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,217

First of all, I would like to point out that it's not the end of the world as you all know it if he WERE to fall asleep downstairs. When you are in a relationship or living situation for the long haul, sleeping separately or together or in a different place or configuration once in a while should NOT be a point of contention the way it seems to be with you folks. So that is not a valid excuse.

Second, it looks as though that's the problem right there. He has an adolescent mentality about this and needs to grow up. He is with two ADULT women and I don't think it's unreasonable what you are asking of him.

So, the thing about sleeping after sex and the thing about stairs are easily resolved, in my book anyway. If he can't see that these simple gestures (which are not power struggles, but more along the lines of compromising about what type of pizza toppings to order) are so important (Gee, hon, I really want anchovies, but since you hate them, let's get pepperoni instead and I'll get the anchovies some other time when you're busy elsewhere, NOT: Wah! Must have anchovies AND pepperoni or... NEVER MIND, I don't want a pizza if I can't have everything on it MY WAY! And here you are Karelia, not getting any pizza with any kind of toppings at all, when I'm SURE if the situation were reversed, you would let him have half-anchovy or just take the anchovies off and eat the damn pizza anyway).

Hm. After hearing myself put it that way, I'm starting to think that your original idea of withholding sex is not such a bad one after all. Except, that is not really what YOU want to do and it's not really "proper" to use sex as a weapon. Besides, the GF wants you, so maybe you should focus more on her.

My original advice still stands however: if you're horny, masturbate. In fact, I highly recommend that you treat yourself to an Eroscillator or Hitachi Magic Wand (with accessories) and go to town right where he can see you doing it.

P.S. I got a little carried away with the pizza-analogy. Hope that it wasn't way too wacky!

Last edited by NeonKaos; 09-12-2009 at 12:32 PM.
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Old 09-12-2009, 03:34 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 81

LOL. I started off with a chocolate analogy, so a pizza analogy seems just fine. Except it's made me want pizza, and good pizza is hard to come by now that I no longer live in NYC or New Jersey.

And you've hit just the crux of my problem. I am generally honest to a fault (something that was always a problem for me when I was a child). Withholding sex if I also want it feels wrong, regardless... and frankly, it's not like he doesn't know my brain (or know about pretty much all of the feelings discussed here), so he'll know why I'm doing it, which probably means it won't work anyway.

Which means, ultimately, as is generally the case in these triad situations we've come up with, the change has to come from within my own head, and I need to adapt to these situations in a manner as healthy as possible.

BTW, he discussed having sex downstairs and then sleeping down there. Needless to say, we have had sex at night since then.

I am not a believer in astrology, and yet something from an astrology book I had when I met him rings true to this day: Thoughtless Gemini wounds sensitive Pisces. I am the Pisces, needless to say. One of my (not-so) favorite things is when he has asked me, only on Mondays (and only twice, but still), where he might find clean sheets for the bed downstairs. You know, the one we haven't had sex on since sometime in, oh... late July? Mondays are when they have alone time and they always have sex downstairs (which is fine with me, because that room is oddly soundproof and having to listen when I can't be involved would torture me - and open a whole new can of worms, I am guessing). It's like... okay, I know you guys have sex during alone time. I don't care that you do. However, especially when you know I'm being a bit hypersensitive where sex is concerned, maybe don't expect ME to find clean sheets for a bed in which I *don't* get to have sex (because she and I have sex upstairs, and when he and I do, it's also always upstairs). And, if he asks me again, I am going to tell him point blank that if he wants me to be interested in whether or not those sheets are clean, he can make sure I've helped to get them dirty. Otherwise, find and wash them yourself (in all fairness, he is now doing laundry since I am working, so the odds of that being asked again are less likely).

If I told him how that was like a knife in my gut, he'd be shocked. He means nothing by it... he just doesn't always think before he speaks, which how we got to this whole ugly "I don't feel like going up the stairs" thing to start.

While I do think he's being, to say the least, a selfish brat on that matter, I do not want to make him out to sound like a jerk or a loser because he's quite far from either. This is just one issue - and because of the baggage that is attached to it for me - that really distresses me.

BTW, our girlfriend has even told us we can have sex when she's sleeping in the bed with her. She says she doesn't care. She'll most likely sleep through it, but if she doesn't and wants to join, she will... while this seems like a great option, it must be noted that she is narcoleptic and if she doesn't get enough sleep she WILL fall asleep behind the wheel. So that is NOT a risk either of us want to take, however I feel it's worth mentioning because I think it demonstrates her level of flexibility on an issue where he is utterly inflexible.
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Old 09-14-2009, 09:03 AM
SilverPhoenix SilverPhoenix is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 9

Hihi, new around these parts and kinda semi-skimmed a few paragraphs here and there due to tiredness, but couldn't stop reading, hehe!

Just throwing a couple thoughts from my head to the keyboard (not directly, my fingers are running interference to prevent facedesking, I promise ).

As for you not being an initiator... I understand that really really too much. I'm not either. But! If you can, maybe initiate a time or two with your guy? Or attempt to at least. That way he's not giving you pity sex and when you're horny you can try and get what you want! And all the guys I know LOVE it when women initiate too, it makes them feel wanted as well and they think it's hot. *snicker* Well, I guess I would too, but still...

Also... something I'm curious about and semi-wondering... understanding that your gal is the newer person in the triad, and she and your guy are in a honeymoon stage (just going over things to be sure I understand it correctly!)... and you often all have fun together... maybe on a time or two that he doesn't want sex, or you feel like withholding for any of the reasons discussed.. or whatever... maybe asking your gal to have some one on one fun with you would be an option? I think it'd have an effect as well of showing your guy that she wants you too, and will maybe remind him that you can be the chocolate as well, to steal a phrase. That might spark a thought or two of "hey... I have TWO desirable woman here who both want me equally!" (Or rabidly, in case of hormones! )

Just a few early morning, not slept yet, after work tired thoughts. Forgive the newbie!
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Old 09-14-2009, 05:10 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 81

Silver -

Thanks for the thoughts. When he and I had alone time on Friday, I told him much of these thoughts. Well, he didn't much care for my chocolate analogy, so who knows if it will have any impact on him. We fooled around... but instead of sex, I decided to, uhm... go down on him. *blush*

Saturday night, SHE wanted sex. The two of them had done something to annoy me earlier, and I was very proud of how I handled it... but because of that, I wasn't really feeling into the idea of sex. He didn't want it anyway, but she did, and actually we probably would've gone downstairs and fooled around, except I really just wasn't there.

She and I had alone time yesterday, so we wound up having sex yesterday, anyway... but that was the first time she's wanted sex at night where he hasn't. It sort of bummed me out to turn her down - and it definitely shocked her. But I really just wasn't in the right head space, and I decided, ya know what? I am just not gonna force it. I've done that before, and it's never hard for my to physically get there, but if I'm feeling messed up emotionally, it's not always a good place to me to go anyway.

Sooo... we'll see what transpires. I'm a realist, and I can't change either of them, so I can only change my reactions to things that they do or say. This is all so new for us... and especially for me and him, because she's always known she was poly and has been part of a triad before (with people who had very unhealthy marriages, sadly).
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