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  #11  
Old 02-17-2011, 07:56 PM
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Pros: Take a look at my photo albums Lots of love and family

Cons: not where I am wired and conditioned to be socially.
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  #12  
Old 02-18-2011, 06:17 PM
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Thanks for the responses everyone. LovingRadiance, I actually just found a short article by Deborah Anapol on Psychology Today that addressed my question a little bit. I didn't realize she had also written a book. I'll check it out, thank you! I spoke again with my husband about what happened this morning and he apologized. Nerves were worn thin and not enough sleep had been had, and he sees now he was in the wrong. We're both pretty exhausted and wrung out from all the changes to our lives lately--work, friends, family, plus the relationship changing. It's been a tumultuous last couple months. We don't have/want kids, so I think that makes it a little different in regards to adding partners reducing the workload...though I wouldn't say no if someone wanted to cat sit so we could take a spontaneous trip. :-)
You're welcome. She has three books. I've read two-both were good.
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  #13  
Old 02-19-2011, 05:22 AM
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To me, I consider poly to be something of a sexual orientation, less of a lifestyle per se.

That is, even when I'm in a single loving relationship, the intimate connections, the desire for other forms of connection, all of that stuff is still there.

For ME, the difference between mono and poly IN MY CASE would be denying myself the ability to "be me".

I'm not one of those militant poly folk. I describe my own feelings on poly as an orientation, and I give equal credit to folks who would say the same about being mono.

Other than that, I don't think there are benefits to mono vs poly, honestly.

I will say that I think people who identify as poly GENERALLY are better at relationships IN GENERAL. This doesn't mean that people who are poly ARE better naturally. The world assume's you're monogamous and it takes courageous, strong and adept people to stand up to the world and say "I defy your assumption". People who aren't great at relationships generally don't build that strength, and especially enough to maintain multiple ones at the same time.

A strong relationship will be wonderful and joyous, difficult and nervewracking. It doesn't matter if it's mono or poly and both can be fulfilling IF it suits your nature. The only benefit or drawback to either or both would be "it is natural to me".
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Old 02-19-2011, 03:27 PM
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My ex and I were mono for 20+ years, and he was v jealous of any feelings I had for anyone else. I felt evil for having a roving eye and causing him pain.

He used to deny he ever felt anything for anyone else. He lied, just to try and make me "behave." Once we finally started exploring being poly, he admitted to imagining sex with every attractive woman he saw...

So, we wasted decades denying those kinds of feelings, lying, hiding, pretending. Lots of "mono" people aren't really mono, they are just acting the way they think they are supposed to act, and because they can't deal with jealousy.
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  #15  
Old 02-20-2011, 02:08 AM
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He used to deny he ever felt anything for anyone else. He lied, just to try and make me "behave." Once we finally started exploring being poly, he admitted to imagining sex with every attractive woman he saw...

So, we wasted decades denying those kinds of feelings, lying, hiding, pretending. Lots of "mono" people aren't really mono, they are just acting the way they think they are supposed to act, and because they can't deal with jealousy.
I kind of wonder what really makes someone mono though? Is it not having any sexual thoughts/desires aimed at other people if you are in a happy committed relationship, or is it having those thoughts/desires but putting more value on sexual fidelity than on entertaining those thoughts? Is jealously really the only thing keeping people who claim to be monogamous from acting on their sexual thoughts toward others? Because I certainly have sexual thoughts about other people than my husband, and I know he does too. That's never bothered me, though I know a lot of friends who have heard him or me say something to that affect in their presence act like we should be bothered. You know "the list" that some couples have of 10 or so celebrities they are allowed to sleep with? Our lists don't seem to have an end, and we enjoy talking to each other about who is on our lists. Does that make us both poly, even though we are struggling with a lot of new emotions as we open up our relationship? A number of people here, whether mono or poly, have described it as an orientation rather than a choice. My husband has said that the more he learns about and tries polyamory, the more he feels like it *is* his orientation. The trouble is, I kind of feel like I can't hear the "real me" under all the turbulent emotions I'm feeling caused by what feels like a really big change to our relationship.
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  #16  
Old 02-20-2011, 08:19 AM
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I kind of wonder what really makes someone mono though?
In my opinion, and only specific to my own inner workings... ..monogamy can be viewed as both an ability and as an inablilty: The ability to be completely fulfilled by a sole partner both emotionally and sexually or an inability to love more than one partner with genuine emotional and sexual connection..... I say genuine because a state of monogamy can be assumed by people who aren't actually monogamous...it can be "faked" as well.

I am only romantically connected with one person at a time. When I am connected in that way, my sexuallity is fulfilled completely by that partner . It doesn't mean that that partner has to engage in every act of sex I like either...individual acts are not what fulfill me......it's the energy fueled by love that does. I experience more fulfillment in kisses from Redpepper than I ever did with someone I just hooked up with and had sex with.

This also doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the sexuality of other people ( a hot ass is still a hot ass LOL)...but I don't want to share in their sexuality or be touched by their intimate energy.

Jealousy should not be a motivator to assume a state of monogamy...that is fear based.... monogamy is based on fulfillment and healthy love, just as poly is
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  #17  
Old 02-20-2011, 02:25 PM
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Originally Posted by detritus View Post
I kind of wonder what really makes someone mono though? Is it not having any sexual thoughts/desires aimed at other people if you are in a happy committed relationship, or is it having those thoughts/desires but putting more value on sexual fidelity than on entertaining those thoughts? Is jealously really the only thing keeping people who claim to be monogamous from acting on their sexual thoughts toward others?
No, but it can be part of it.

Quote:
Because I certainly have sexual thoughts about other people than my husband, and I know he does too. That's never bothered me, though I know a lot of friends who have heard him or me say something to that affect in their presence act like we should be bothered. You know "the list" that some couples have of 10 or so celebrities they are allowed to sleep with? Our lists don't seem to have an end, and we enjoy talking to each other about who is on our lists. Does that make us both poly, even though we are struggling with a lot of new emotions as we open up our relationship?
Not necessarily, but it helps! I love that about me and my gf. We love to point out urban hotties to each other as we walk or drive around Boston. My ex wouldve felt so threatened in our early decades if i mentioned liking the looks of anyone but him. But that was just him.

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A number of people here, whether mono or poly, have described it as an orientation rather than a choice. My husband has said that the more he learns about and tries polyamory, the more he feels like it *is* his orientation. The trouble is, I kind of feel like I can't hear the "real me" under all the turbulent emotions I'm feeling caused by what feels like a really big change to our relationship.
Interesting way to put it. And I am sorry you're suffering. The real you is changing and evolving and you will find a new normal as the dust settles and you find the benefits as well beyond the pain.
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  #18  
Old 02-21-2011, 03:39 AM
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Originally Posted by detritus View Post
My husband has said that the more he learns about and tries polyamory, the more he feels like it *is* his orientation. The trouble is, I kind of feel like I can't hear the "real me" under all the turbulent emotions I'm feeling caused by what feels like a really big change to our relationship.
It's possible that the storm of emotions you're experiencing about your relationship changing might be caused by an attachment to, or need for, thinking that things should always stay the same. Even when the changes are something we want to happen, there's always our cultural and/or familial conditioning that tells us what marriage and relationships should be, how they should go. So, you've got conflicting pictures in your head: what you were raised or conditioned to believe, and what you are now finding exciting and satisfying -- and the two are likely vastly different from each other.

That's okay, the two can co-exist. You just don't have to give credence to the picture that is not aligned with who you are. Know it's there, part of you, but not what you want in your life. Nor do you need to entertain the drama and conflict. People will also often think we should be caught up in a lot of sturm und drang when we have our beliefs and ideals challenged, but if you step back and just observe your thought processes without judging them, you can find a lot of freedom to be more comfortable with who you are, your choices, and how you create the life and relationships you want to feel happy. It's okay to go against the grain! Give yourself permission, that's all.
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  #19  
Old 02-21-2011, 07:02 AM
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well put NYCindie!
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  #20  
Old 02-21-2011, 07:12 AM
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In terms of positive and negatives...I feel there are loads of positives, and I can see that many people have already raised those..

A negative for me is that I really, really struggle with time management. I believe relationships require a significant (and the definition of significant will be different for each relationship) investment of time. I struggle with finding the time needed to feed multiple relationships to a level where they are given the room and space to flourish and to find their strength.

I'm certainly guilty of packing too much (or maybe just a lot) into my life from time to time...it's often the case that something has to give...and then I struggle to work out what's best to let slip.

Sometimes I feel I simply don't have the time to achieve all the things I want to achieve...and to maintain relationships to the level I need/want. I'm finding this to be the biggest problem for me...and it is the biggest factor in me doubting poly for myself. So, that's the drawback for me - a practical issue..
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