Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 02-18-2011, 11:24 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default What's in it for a unicorn?

disclaimer: This thread is meant to be a discussion, not about judgement. .It is not intended to point others out or show weakness in any way. Everyone's journey is valid.

Why would anyone want to be one? What are the positives (and what are the negatives for that matter) to being in a position where you are a bi woman with a couple that consider themselves primary to start off with, with the hopes of "bringing you into their relationship?"
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 02-19-2011 at 08:37 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 02-19-2011, 12:36 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Are we limiting this to true unicorns. At least how I have always understood them

Bisexual, single, COMMITTED to the couple...in a poly-fi triad setup

Everything else becomes infinitely more simple to obtain. (it sounds like I am shopping, but thats always been my take, and I like to have common ground to base a discussion)

I will quote from my own thread

Quote:
Oddly enough, I found a mythical unicorn, one who wanted to talk about relationships. This was not one I wanted to get involved with but... she had some interesting points. Being a very honest unicorn I found her blatantly honest about her intentions. Low self-esteem, scared to commit and terrified of being "needed" in a relationship. She was a secondary and a unicorn by choice because she wasn't stable enough to be in a regular relationship. Now I know poly isn't about the unicorn hunt, but how often does it start that way? I wonder how many people really try to think to themselves why someone would be a unicorn? I am not saying all unicorns are like this, but I know I have wondered about some.
I would be curious to see answers. I have seen more honest assessments of unicorn hunting on fetlife, where there are unicorns. They are fully aware of what they want

If I have time later I will throw in my two cents. I started as a unicorn hunter and am not now. So I do have more opinions than just my cynical one
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 02-19-2011, 01:04 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

First I will say, being a unicorn hunter is a great gateway drug. I would never knock it for being an introduction to possibility.

However I think finding stable well adjusted people who want to be secondary to two people would be difficult. Thats the key. The couples believe combined they make up a primary but that just isn't the case. During the NRE phase this may seem Utopian, but how long can it last. How long until the "couple" becomes enthralled with themselves and their primary life. When does push come to shove

or... when does one of the couple change perspective on who is primary... and lose focus

To often was use triad to define a unicorn relationship. In reality its a scalene triangle. If everyone going in understands that and can live that in a healthy manner, then sure it can work. But how often can people slide in and our of primary and secondary roles. And the person getting downgraded is left insulted?

I do believe these can work, but... lets think of random thoughts

poly is rare
SINGLE poly people LOOKING for a couple are rare
successful long term poly relationships are rare

Combine all those and throw in bi-sexual into the mix...

Well, it becomes infinitely more difficult especially when you start tacking on months and then years.

so.. what can a couple offer... not much. Unless the unicorn has no interest in a primary relationship. Or... I suppose... if three single people fell into a triad at the same time. Then you could almost eliminate the tiering. But in an existing couple...that becomes difficult.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 02-19-2011, 03:46 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 228
Default

I would think:

1. exploration of relationships
2. sexual adventure
3. no responsibilities
4. no long-term commitment

other things that may have a bearing:

a place to stay and food to eat (if live-in) in return for sex. To some people out there that might seem a pretty good option.
__________________
"The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times but to get up eight times"
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 02-19-2011, 08:04 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Do you think that unicorns more often than not have low self esteem? Have been hurt so often that they want a couple to take care of them? That they are not willing to commit to anything with any kind of sustaining depth and future?

If these points are true, and not saying that they are for everyone, adding the combination of a couple that want to take care of a woman, covet her, own her as if she were a puppy dog rather than a person... is that mix healthy? Outside of D/s that is.

What seems to happen is a couple searchs for a unicorn in the way mentioned above and comes up with a woman that is self motivated, independent, self assured, interested in fulfilling a desire to be equally loved by two others and to give in this way also. The unicorn hunters seem to get a bit bewildered by women like this no?

On the other hand a unicorn looking to be owned and taken care of might find a couple that want to make her equal and love her as such,,, being loved by her in the same way. Confusion reigns again I should think.

What of triads where two fall deeper in love with each other? What is that about? How does that happen? In the scenarios mentioned above, does this happen more or less with one scenario over another do you think?

*ponder*

another thought: Do you think that some unicorns are looking for fulfilling relationships with a couple because of issues with their parents?

(I am hoping this topic is not seen as judgemental, I seriously am not, I am interested to know something more is all... that is where I am coming from..).
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 02-19-2011 at 08:34 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 02-19-2011, 08:25 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 228
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Do you think that unicorns more often than not have low self esteem? Have been hurt so often that they want a couple to take care of them? That they are not willing to commit to anything with any kind of sustaining depth and future?

If these points are true, and not saying that they are for everyone, adding the combination of a couple that want to take care of a woman, covet her, own her as if she were a puppy dog rather than a person... is that mix healthy? Outside of D/s that is.
Not knowing any unicorns.....but just exploring the concept hypothetically I would guess that becoming a unicorn is the worst thing that someone with low self esteem would need. But I could see that in some inverse way that would be attractive to them. Wouldn't help them improve but they could sort of function in that environment. Or maybe I am just talking out of my arse here.

One thing: unicorns may not be that rare a thing. I belong to a literary forum where folks talk about books. Of all things, a thread started about open relationships and one straight woman quite openly came out and said that she thought the highest ideal for her would be to be in a loving relationship with both a man and a woman. She thought that was something that she could really do. I was very surprised to read that on there.
__________________
"The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times but to get up eight times"
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 02-19-2011, 08:46 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Wow, an interesting thread.

I guess no bona fide unicorns have joined in yet? My reasons to go couple-hunting:

1) I already have a primary I'm not sexual with.
2) I'm not interested in having biological children, but would be very supportive if the couple did. I would cherish a co-mother/auntie position.
3) Bisexuality is a strong factor.
4) I love the energy couples have. It would bring me deep joy and contentment to see to people I love love each other.
5) I have a very high need of physical and emotional space.

I know that point 1) already disqualifies me from true unicornism, and I'd never agree on a polyfi triad. But that might just be general need of space - I'm not the least bit more interested in bigamy than I am in monogamy.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 02-20-2011, 06:00 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
[I]..............
Why would anyone want to be one? What are the positives (and what are the negatives for that matter) to being in a position where you are a bi woman with a couple that consider themselves primary to start off with, with the hopes of "bringing you into their relationship?"
Hey RP,

Wow - interesting that this topic may not have come up before - or maybe only as a secondary part of a discussion.
And it's a VERY valid and important question.

I'll try to offer some of the positives. The negatives seem to be all over the place anyway so no sense in rehashing them.

And for discussion purposes, I'm defining a 'unicorn' as any bi/pan sexual girl willing to share in the lives of a couple to whatever degree suits everyone. I'm NOT limiting this to a poly-fi arrangement. I can see where a unicorn might easily be involved with, for example, more than one couple because of interests that were different.

But if I'm guessing right, your question really is trying to speak to the "what's in it for a third where there's no legal commitment and sometimes even a tenuous emotional one".

I've seen a number of things that I would find extremely attractive but admit bias because I'm one who admires strength, independence and self confidence in a woman. And these things it seems are at the root of accepting the role of third (or whatever) and being happy in it.

1> The lack of commitment. It allows flexibility in how you can live your life. In other words, it CAN minimize the codependant parts that often drift into paired relationships.

2> Receiving double the love (and often attention). Or more. This seems an obvious one to me and I've always been unclear why this isn't given it's proper due by most. Maybe that's because some can't be content sitting in the 'recipients' chair without dealing with a guilt issue about how to give back as much as you receive. But it's not that way and not expected ! The giving is what it's all about.

3> Support network. Obviously the more people that care deeply for you, the more people you have around you to depend on in times of crisis. And it happens to everyone. Whether it's health, finances, emotional, whatever. The more 'community' we have around us to step up, the easier it is on everyone.

4> Last but often not least. The sex. If you're bi/pan sexual having the extra partners in the mix just brings certain possibilities that are simply impossible with only 2. So it can be an all at once thing when that mood sets in or each individual when other certain moods seem to fit best. To me, this was always so obvious but seems to lack importance for the majority of women. The focus seems to be 90% on the emotional aspects and 10% on various physical possibilities. It is what it is, but that lack of balance never passed the logic test with me. I accept it, like I accept power mongers developing enough nuclear weapons to destroy the world 7 times over. But that doesn't mean it makes sense

So what's left on the 'negative' side ?

It seems that it's 'mostly' (not necessarily all) about power and control. If you're an strong, independent person, living your life on your own terms, the flexibility offered would seem to fit well. If you're not, and have no real desire or attraction to that, then it would be at odds with your needs I guess. There's no "guarantees" about what tomorrow might hold.

But in reality - there isn't anyway. We just can't admit that

Now, if I don't catch a rash of Shit over this, I'm going to be hurt ~!

GS
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 02-20-2011, 06:20 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Thank you, Grounded Spirit! I agree fully with the four motivations you listed.

As a clarification; to go unicorn-hunting, does a couple need to hold on to each other as primaries no matter what? In other words, is unicorn looking for a couple to have a primary relationship with in for a rude awakening?

Also, maybe this sounds a bit naive and lame (and maybe I am both!), but what about love? Can a woman fall in love with a couple? There are different kinds of love, and maybe falling head over heels for two people who happen to be coupled and looking at the same time is a bit of a far stretch, but maybe falling for the other and being loving friends with the other?
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 02-20-2011, 08:17 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

So a woman can fall in love with a couple, but does that work for the couple? They may love her, but at some point it seems to be just a fantasy. It seems that most of the time they have a naive view that the woman will do as she is told and she has the naive view that the couple will not struggle with the pulling apart that seems to happen for them. At some point it isn't the couple and their unicorn any more. It's three people loving each other. That is a huge and painful process for most couples no?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
So what's left on the 'negative' side ?
You touched on some good points GS. I wanted to suggest that if we were to look at the negative in more depth it would mean looking at poly's negative aspects in more depth as to me it means delving into peoples psychological make up more.

I have asked a few questions about that in above posts... relationship to parents etc... we could ask the same of any poly relationship dynamic, I think it would boil down to personal placement in ones relationship life no?
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 02-20-2011 at 08:23 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
couples, triad, unicorn, unicorn hunting, unicorns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:13 AM.