Rebuilding Trust

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

Unfortunately it will also mean that your trust can't be completely restored until it can be tried and tested.

.

I though this might be interpreted as such. It's not the case for me (although there might be a little truth in it). I think I made my comment too personal to convey my opinion.

Redpepper has my full trust...there were some mixed signals and vagueness I think. We occasionally have communication break downs because we define words differently and our word usage isn't as effective in getting our thoughts across at times.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

We occasionally have communication break downs because we define words differently and our word usage isn't as effective in getting our thoughts across at times.

I see this as a very common hurdle in so many relationships, of both mine and my friends. Sometimes we need translators! This is what I realize happened with me and Shorty. He has called our relationship a friendship, but our concepts of friendship apparently are quite different. To me, he was a lover, but I accepted his terms of calling it a friendship, because I could see how important it was to him not to be considered my "boyfriend." Whatever. I didn't want to get hung up on words. However, though he's always been tender and caring, he has kept me as more of a satellite in his life, with some distance -- rather than someone within his close circle. That is quite different from what I think of as a friend.

It hasn't affected my trust in him, per se, but rather my trust in what we have together. I was always wondering if I was doing something wrong somehow. This is one of the factors in my telling him I need a break from our relationship. I need to give myself some space before getting involved with him again, and then only if we have some agreement on the meanings of the terms we are using to define what we have.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I though this might be interpreted as such. It's not the case for me (although there might be a little truth in it). I think I made my comment too personal to convey my opinion.

Redpepper has my full trust...there were some mixed signals and vagueness I think.

I think it's easier to regain trust in your partner, than to trust that you won't be hurt again, at least for me.

We occasionally have communication break downs because we define words differently and our word usage isn't as effective in getting our thoughts across at times.

No wonder the English language is so screwed up and complicated, you men keep making up new definitions to common words. You must have your own secret club where you keep the "special" dictionaries used just to confuse us women.

[Rarechild]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

No wonder the English language is so screwed up and complicated, you men keep making up new definitions to common words. You must have your own secret club where you keep the "special" dictionaries used just to confuse us women.

I commonly push the limits of the meanings of words and use them for my own purposes, right or wrong. It's 'cause I know the rules (in regards to the English language) that I feel I have a pass to break them. All of us writer types are this way, as far as I know.

Also, I invite you to switch your "men"s and "women"s in the above quote and behold the shitstorm kickin' up the alleyway.

I feel feisty. It's warm (51F), and the window, thank the heavens, is open.

On rebuilding trust:
Redpepper, I love the way you value yourself.

I have pushed full force past boundaries, even barricades, but I have paid attention each time. I feel like I'm building the skill of forgiving myself my humanity, as long as I don't allow myself to become a monster. This is the best thing I can do to build trust with my intimates, whether it has been broken, healed, or only dreamed about.

I work on trusting myself, so my so my decisions are authentic and kind. I trust that if I work, they will love me for who I am, love my flaws like they are shining diamonds, because each is a precious opportunity to carefully keep from falling, and delight in, much like RP said.

There is a safe place in my heart where it is impossible to tell lies. I made it for myself. I invite them in.

-R

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Sometimes we need translators! .

So I guess this would be one of the benefits of having metamours for me. PN and Derby can look at our issues with a different perspective and give insight into what we are trying to say to each other Of course we can provide the same servcie for others as well.

The emotional impact of words can often cloud the message being delivered....something to consider for many of us I think (including me of course)

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

You must have your own secret club where you keep the "special" dictionaries used just to confuse us women.

I thought everyone knew about the OGOMI (Oxford Guide Of Male Interpretation)

[LovingRadiance]

That's why I have you guys!
I need someone to interpret and THANK GOD for my polyboard friends!!!

I'd be up a creek cause I think the three of us speak 3 completely different languages!


In regards to the question about when to say what-

I find for myself that it's very helpful if my husband will ask me if now is a good time to discuss his other relationships. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isnt, but will be in 5 minutes, other times, it's not and I just need it to be about us for a day.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Rarechild

On rebuilding trust:
Redpepper, I love the way you value yourself.

I have pushed full force past boundaries, even barricades, but I have paid attention each time. I feel like I'm building the skill of forgiving myself my humanity, as long as I don't allow myself to become a monster. This is the best thing I can do to build trust with my intimates, whether it has been broken, healed, or only dreamed about.

I work on trusting myself, so my so my decisions are authentic and kind. I trust that if I work, they will love me for who I am, love my flaws like they are shining diamonds, because each is a precious opportunity to carefully keep from falling, and delight in, much like RP said.

There is a safe place in my heart where it is impossible to tell lies. I made it for myself. I invite them in.

-R

Rarechild, I love the delicateness of your words here. My words seem clumpsy and awkward next to yours sometimes.

I think I need to read this thread again or something because as much as I love your words. I don't have any clue what they mean LOL could you give me more to go on... cause I want to.

[maca]

I have several hang ups with rebuilding trust.

1) I spent 10 years living in a marriage that was full of lies and cheating. That has now changed in the last 17 months. But the relationship that they built was built behind my back and as a lie. SO I have this deep rooted disdain for the " relationship" as a whole. I honestly believe that the trust would be easier to rebuild had things not happened like that. Hard to be a trusting team when it all began as a decption.

2) As LR stated, we all speak a different language. LR tends to use words in there literal meaning, GG ..well he is a poet. The words he says sound nice but they dont connect to a meaning and he gets lost in his own head. He ALWAYS means well but both LR and I usually get so frustrated, that we cant figure out where he is going with a thought, that we usually just take over the discussion or LR trys to interput for him. I tend to NOT speak ALL of the parts of a concept that Im trying to realy to somone. I tend to assume that certain " things" are just understood. That gets me in trouble , because no one person thinks exactly like another. I have tried to use LR's way of talking ( using the literal meaning) but that always seems to result in a fight. When I say to her " I did not say X, what I said was Y" I must have put a defensive tone in my words. Because it dosnt turn out well.

3) I have yet to own up to my serious and fucked up actions and behaviors.


To me #3 is the first thing that Im focusing on. I have done some horrific and evil things to the people that I care most about in my life. I have seriously contemplated "getting rid" of various people for good. I have seriously contemplated "getting rid" of myself for good.

I have made two appointments to see a therapist. ( Not because of the hurting myself or others) Im way over that part now. But Im wanting to work on focusing on finding and prioritizing the good in myself and the one I love.

Arm is hurting so Im donr typing for tonite. Goodnight all.


M

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by maca

When I say to her " I did not say X, what I said was Y" I must have put a defensive tone in my words. Because it dosnt turn out well.

I think my husband will be relieved to hear that he is not alone in this. I also use literal meanings, while my husband makes up meanings. We had what looks like this exact same issue. He would say X and I would repeat it back word for word, then he would come back with was "what I SAID was Y", instead of "what I MENT was Y". Since he used said I now fixated on what was actually said... Big arguement everytime.

We finally had a breakthru when somehow during an arguement I told him that by using said instead of ment I felt like he was calling me a liar, when I repeated back his exact words. This was not his intention, now this lead to a 1/2 hour arguement on the definition of "said", looking it up in the dictionary, etc. With a little nudge from our therapist, we have not had the same issue since, that was 3 months ago.

I trust easily, and I am still struggling with not wanting to check every e-mail or text, etc.

Take care of your arm.