Polyamorous and celibate
HAAA! I thought that that title would arouse your curiosity!
But I can’t be the only one in this boat, surely? Polyamorous by conviction and on principle... and celibate by circumstances.
Interestingly enough, my present stretch of celibacy originated in a poly/non-poly problem. I was living in (was one of the founding members of) a rural commune and was up-front about my polyamory (although I didn't have that name for it back then). I started a relationship with one of the women ("The Mysterious Madame X") in that commune, not before letting her know that I found myself also attracted to another commune member.
Unfortunately, X turned out to have a BIG insecurity / jealousy problem and started (only 4 days into the sexual phase of our relationship) to accuse me of not loving her at ALL, of using her, etc. etc.
To cut short and simplify a very long and complicated story, X and I got to the point where one would leave the room when the other entered. This led to my abandoning the commune (I had no wish to live with anybody who seemed to be THAT negative about me, it was putting a strain on all my other [non-sexual] relationships in the commune) and to the commune's eventual (a few months after my leaving) disintegration.
What was more, the awful pain of all this (and the constant criticism I got from X) caused me to feel that I wasn't lovable, wouldn't ever find love again, etc. etc. (She REALLY put me through the wringer! Our sexual relationship only lasted 4 days, but MONTHS of living with somebody – especially somebody you’ve loved – who tries to make you feel as if, whatever you do: you’re a shit!... It wore me down.)
Thank goodness that I got over THOSE feelings! But, living as isolated (still rural) as I do, I just haven't got back into a relationship since then.
I live1000m above sea level, in a mountain valley with a population of about half a dozen. (“About” because it varies.) The nearest village (a 2hour walk away – and, no: you can’t get a car to my house) has a local reputation for being “closed” and conservative, the second nearest is friendlier but still rather conservative... as well as being smaller than the first one. On the few occasions that I go to the city, I'm hardly on the sexual prowl... Add to all that the fact that I'm unwilling to start any sexual relationship without “coming clean” about my polyamory, and the fact that most people need some getting used to the concept – and many women understand it [my “coming clean”] as: “Aha! Unwillingness To Commit! Preparing His Escape Route Before He’s Even Got A Foot Over The Threshold!”. So all in all I haven’t had much opportunity to start “a relationship”. Not that I'm desperate. For me, the sexual side to relationships has never taken first place. Friendship, trust, mutual respect... and actually liking each other have always been more important. And I get most of those in my non-sexual friendships.
I think that – more than the sex (after all, I do get sex now... it’s just “self-service”) – what I really miss most in a loving relationship are a sense of building something together, an EMOTIONAL intimacy, and – on the physical level – the cuddling. A German ex-girlfriend had a great name for it: “schmusen”. It applies not only to lovers, but to parent/child cuddling. But... not the sort of thing you do with “just good friends”. At least, not with MY “just good friends”.
[Some of my friends have a penchant for sarcasm and – if they ever read this – would comment: “HAAA! Sour grapes! J’s just so unattractive that he wouldn’t have a chance of attracting anybody anyway. Cuddle with him??? Eeeeeeeeee!!!”]
Anyway, I thought that I'd throw this topic into the forum and see if anybody else wants to comment or add their own experiences. (You have nothing to lose but your shame... and your reputation.)
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellenceThe person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverbAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais NinI'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson