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Old 09-11-2009, 12:15 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 81
Default Withholding sex?

Okay... I've posted before about how frustrating it is to be the person in our triad with the highest sex drive. I was feeling really insecure about sex for a while. Our GF has done a lot to assuage those feelings, but my husband has done nothing - nor did I expect him to. It's just not his MO. He's so rational. If I tell him I feel he doesn't want me, he takes that personally - because in his very rational mind, I should just *know* he wants me, even if we're not having much sex. We've been together so long, and I shouldn't doubt him.

I get that. I honestly do. That doesn't mean I don't like to *feel* desirable, though. And it's why I've never said, "you don't want me," but instead have said, "it feels like you don't want me."

Anyway, I honestly think I am at a huge disadvantage because I am seen, by both of them (and especially him, given our many years together), as a "sure thing." I mean... think about dieting. You're on a diet and you can't have chocolate. How much more time do you spend thinking about chocolate? How much more time do you spend craving it? And how much sweeter does it seem on the rare occasions where you allow yourself to have it? Whereas, if you have chocolate in your house at all times, and give yourself free reign to eat it, you eventually get to the point where, yeah, you like it. You still want to eat it... you just don't crave it, nor do you spend a lot of time thinking about it. When you are dieting, you can pinpoint the very last time you had chocolate almost to the minute... but when you're not dieting, and you can eat it whenever, the odds are good that at least some of the time, you'll have NO idea when you last ate chocolate.

(FYI: I should mention that I follow Intuitive Eating, which means that after years of dieting I now do not restrict my food choices even slightly - so this analogy might work better for me than for some, lol).

Well... our girlfriend is chocolate when you're dieting. Me? I'm chocolate for the Intuitive Eater. Therefore, I'm less desired. Doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy sex with me (just as I enjoy chocolate), but it does mean that, since a) she's still pretty new to our lives, and b) she sometimes says no - and I pretty much haven't in the entire time we've been married (over five years), she is craved in a way that I am not.

Rationally, this all makes sense to me. I can analyze it and see that this is a pretty darn good explanation for his behavior regarding sex. Emotionally, however, especially when you add in sexual frustration, well... it's not pretty.

I've gotten to the point where I'm wondering if I shouldn't make myself a limited commodity. As someone said to me in PM (and if you're reading, take credit), a DeBeers approach. Limit something that's actually available in mass amounts and make it more valuable.

Is that wrong? Part of me feels like I'm a) cheating myself out of a chance to have sex for no real good reason, and b) being dishonest. But what else can I do (aside from learn to live with feeling like I'm second string when it comes to sex)?

I don't want to do this out of spite. I don't want to do this to be cruel. I just want to see if maybe it makes me a little less taken for granted...

I once told him I've considered withholding sex, but realized there was little point... I'm so rarely asked, who'd notice? He made some comment I can't quite remember, but the gist of it was "if that's what you need to do, okay."

He and I have "alone time" tomorrow, and so the chances are better than they are most days... and I am not feeling all that sexy or desirable. I'm thinking that there is a part of me that actually doesn't *want* sex as a result of those feelings... but get me in the moment, and to paraphrase Judy Blume, my Power just kicks in and it's a knee jerk reaction.

Has anyone ever been in my shoes? Any thoughts or suggestions? Talking it through is something that's been done... we've hashed and rehashed the subject to the point where I'd be risking making him want sex (with me) even less... he knows how I feel. I know that he thinks I *should* know he wants me.

Okay... I'm done. Go.

Last edited by Karelia; 09-11-2009 at 12:18 AM.
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