Settling in, and working it out. (very long...sorry)
So here I am, seeking un-biased wisdom I suppose. Just some other takes on things from someone outside of our "loop." I know that there are also some "purists," (I think might be the right word) who would say that my relationship with my wife isn't so much "poly," but I'm fine with that...neither of us like definitions.
Anyway; We started the adventure of opening up our marriage around two (ish) months ago. I won't go into great detail here on how it started, or what my reactions were to her getting things going with her boyfriend...you can read that here:
(follow-up is in the comments section.)
Where I want to start is the recent past/present. I met a girl, as was expected, and we hit it off extremely well. I actually met her on-line, and we spent quite a few hours conversing over the course of about a week before we managed to meet in person. Prior to me meeting (let's call her J for the sake of easy communication), My wife was doing great with everything. She even took some effort in getting her to come over and spend time with me when she (my wife) was out at her boyfriends. We laughed and joked and talked about things and all was normal, and well.
Well, I managed to arrange to meet J for dinner a few nights ago, and everything was still going great between my wife and I. She even laughed with me when I grabbed condoms...just in case. Well, a long story short: my wife ended up going over to her boyfriends place, and I brought J home after dinner. We had an instant connection, and both felt extremely comfortable with each-other, and as they say: "one thing led to another," and we ended up having a wonderful evening/night/morning together. My wife spent the night at her boyfriends house, and J spent the night with me.
We (my wife and I) do talk about everything, and in my case, in great detail. Her first, immediate question was "did you have sex?" To which I truthfully responded, "yes."
This is where the differences in our coping strategies became very apparent. My next question to her when we were in the opposite situation was, "did you have fun?" Hers was "did you get off?" I answered "yes," and she followed quickly with a rather vicious sounding..."I hope to god that she didn't." I didn't really have to say anything, as the look on my face told her everything that she needed to know.
Some background on the situation: My wife had never had an orgasm in her life prior to being with me. Not alone, and not with anyone else. That being the case, she feels that it is a very sacred thing, and as a result was quite hurt by the fact that someone else had experienced that with me so quickly and easily.
There of course was and is no "rule" about this, as it would be pretty absurd...(I'm thinking like..."yes you can go to your favorite restaurant and order your favorite meal, but when it gets to the table you are not allowed to eat it.)
Well, she is (of course) coping with a lot of the same things that I went through in the beginning, (which are almost completely reversed now on my end.) Only she also has this added issue that has severely bruised her ego. She also tends to express emotional pain as anger, and can be quite vicious with the things that she says. I understand this, and we have talked about it at length...she is not trying to be hostile, but it is unfortunately just the way she reacts.
Over the past couple of days she has calmed down a bit, but every time certain thoughts enter her mind she becomes extremely hostile again. I am doing my best to console her and help her through this. She says that she does not regret anything, and does not want to take any of it back...(we have gained quite a lot on the positive side of this prior to me meeting J.)
I know that time is the main thing that will allow her to adjust and become comfortable with the situation...for me it was just a matter of doing away with all of the mystery, and finding that I could trust her to tell me anything and everything. I just can't stand her hurting the way that she is and not be able to do anything about it, but at the same time I understand that it is a process that we both knew we were going to have to go through. It just seems as though her road to acceptance and happiness is going to be much longer and rougher than mine was.
Has anyone else dealt with this type of situation ? (more so with the type of coping and expression that she is going through, I know that everyone has to work out the painful bits as they come.)
Is there anything that I should be doing to help console her and help her through this? (besides talking it to death and going out of my way to let her know that she is loved, respected, supported, etc...)
I am confident that everything will work out and we will be back to being able to openly discuss, and laugh about everything eventually. I just hate feeling so separated for the time being, and would appreciate any advice on how to ease her suffering.