Fears of loss in a Mono/Poly relationship

[Lemondrop]

Well, I have already admitted that I have self-esteem issues that I'm working on. I think I've made some good progress, and I'm feeling happier. I will say that after I talked to the others, they admitted that they were all terrified that they would hurt me. They all knew that they were okay with being polyamorous, but they were so afraid that I wasn't sure of myself that when I got uncomfortable they just froze up.

And I got some good advice on this forum which helped us all immensely. Communication between the four of us is much, much better now. We've hammered out some rules and made a few more mistakes. A wonderful side effect is that communication with my husband has improved greatly. I think we've had more effective communication in the last two weeks than we've had in the last two years.

Please don't suffer pain or anger on my behalf. I was hurting, but communication resolved the situation, and my partners have all made a huge effort to reassure me of their love. All relationships have some hiccups.

[MonoVCPHG]

I am happy for you. I am extremely lucky and happy to have my relationship with Redpepper and in having the friendship of her husband and family.

Tonight I hung out with thier son so they could have a datenight dinner. Tomorrow, me and her husband are going to a Poly meeting to discuss peoples concepts and definitions of Polyamory. I am the only identified monogamous person there which is very interesting.
I am on the outside in many respects with thier aproach to love and certainly sex. I completely understand compersion but doubt if I will ever truly understand polyamory on a heart/soul level from the point of view of those that enjoy it. Regardless, I am in fact in a polyamorous relationship that I love and feel loved in.
Best of everything, Lemondrop

[redpepper]

communication and feeling loved is so important. Have you ever heard of the book "the five love languages" very helpful in understanding how we need to be loved and how others like to receive love. I highly suggest it.

Glad things are moving along and you are okay

[River]

Originally Posted by CDarklock

I don't know how to be completely and totally devoted to two people in the same room. I'm at an absolute loss. How does that work? What should I do?

I'd advise taking some very quiet introspective time, as much as is needed, to examine what unconscious beliefs may be involved, here. Or, if quiet, solitary introspection isn't your forte, find a highly trusted friend who can help you think-talk your way into it. I suspect that there is probably one of these subconscious beliefs at work in this pattern of feeling. Perhaps, you worry (consciously or otherwise) that there may be jealousies arising from inequal attention to your lovers-in-the-same-room? Maybe you feel that it is incumbent upon you to insure that such jealousy doesn't arise, or that if it arises, perhaps you feel you must somehow handle the situation in top form? That sounds like a bit of pressure!, a heap of responsibility. Maybe you could distribute the burden by not accepting it all? Let the others assume some?

Wild guesses -- but I've been there. Fortunately, I was able to express great affection toward my new (though brief) love with my longtime lover right by my side.

Maybe you can talk with each of them about this challenge you are facing and enlist them in assisting you in your inquiry and in your process?

[CDarklock]

Originally Posted by JRiverMartin

Perhaps, you worry (consciously or otherwise) that there may be jealousies arising from inequal attention to your lovers-in-the-same-room?

Primarily, I worry that people don't say what they mean, don't know what they want, and claim not to mind when they really mind a whole lot. I don't have any experience with this, and I have to rely on what people communicate. But my wife is just about the shittiest communicator on the planet, so I'm relying on something completely unreliable.

[River]

Rut-roh!

[MonoVCPHG]

Just a quick update on my own personal fears.

I used to tell Redpepper I had to prepare myself continuously for her to fall in love with someone else (OK..fall in love might be a strong word. I like the love aspect of polyamory, I don't like the casual sex aspect of swinging or "hobby sex" which to me is not polyamory)...or several someone else’s LOL! I explained it as not wanting to get secure and then have the carpet pulled out from underneath me.

It's ok to be prepared or accept that new relationships are a possibility but to dwell on it and withdrawal every time a new friend is mentioned is extremely unhealthy. I was approaching some things wrongly because of my inexperience. It is at times difficult for me to be in an environment where (in my perspective) everyone is sizing each other up to see if sharing love, and therefore sex, is possible. I had been using over preparation as a defence mechanism but it was also blocking some of the incredible love and trust that flows between us.

I have moved on from that fear and now am feeling an even greater depth to our relationship. I stepped off the carpet and now stand on hard wood..much more difficult to pull!

[AutumnalTone]

Uh, I never had any problems having my wife and (now former) girlfriend in the same room at the same time. The thought that there might be some problem never crossed my mind. Heck, we went camping together and slept in the same tent--my gf and I woke up my wife early the next morning making noise while fucking. My wife looked to see what was making the noise, saw it was us, rolled over and went back to sleep.

I don't think I can help you with this. My experience doesn't include any sort of discomfort with having wife and gf around at the same time. I would think it odd that one of them had any problem with me showing affection to the other.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by redpepper

...as monoVCPHG's girlfriend (seems such a small word in light of my huge love for you!).

Aye, our vocabulary lacks terms that we would find useful. The terms "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" aren't really appropriate for committed adult relationships to begin with, and to use them in conjunction with committed poly couplings doesn't really seem to provide the correct connotations of the nature of the relationships.

Those terms, however, are what we have to work with. I've yet to see any suggestions for alternate terms that I found acceptable.

[marianna]

i actually have a huge fear of loss...well..ok..in general - but particularly in this new quad relationship. While he and i have known each other for years - this is a way different interaction. And since i'm the newest on the scene, i feel the most "disposable" for lack of a better word. The person who's most likely to be let go of if time/energy/whatever becomes an issue. i think that is mostly likely related to my own inner issues, and i'm more than happy to take responsibility for those. And i'm learning to sit with my fear, because honestly and truly, that type of security cannot come from really anywhere outside of myself. And if that happens, at least i can say that i didn't sabotage anything. Just taking this a day at a time some days, but i'm still breathing .

mari