Feeling left out in sexually in my triad

[zephyr]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

What do you mean, youre home, but don't work? Are you raising young children, running a household, cooking and cleaning? Thats work. You must be doing something if you dont have time for a nice quiet daily vibrator session...

I am home, working on some personal projects. But the key element I was thinking of was: privacy. It's one thing to masturbate with a partner in the room. It's another thing entirely to have a partner walk in on a little personal masturbation time.

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Read The Woman's Anatomy of Arousal. Excellent book about learning to claim our birthright of sexual delight. For example, you said you don't make sounds when having sex til the moment of orgasm? The author encourages making sounds as your arousal builds. She also offers lots of tips for partners.

I'll take a look at that book.

As for making noise, I do when it begins to build...but there's a *whole* lot of time (depending on the situation) between one of my partners first touching me and that point where arousal is building. If either of them (or both of them!) focus on me first, it's going to be a long, quiet time before anything happens.

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Having another woman in the mix who seems more sexual than you would really compound the sexual problems you and your husband were already having.

Agreed. I think it's not helping that I'd written off our challenges as "normal married life". We've been together for 2 decades now. *shrugs* So, I wasn't pushing it and I did have the privacy to play solo, if I needed to.

Now, however, there are play sessions where I get my motor revved.... and then nothing. So I'm left with a need that's not fulfilled and no real place to handle it.

Zephyr

[zephyr]

Originally Posted by nycindie

How about trying some reframing? In other words, look at some of the issues from a different perspective, give it new context.

I would start by no longer telling yourself you "don't orgasm easily." It may simply be that you haven't yet found the best technique yet that makes you cum. Once you find it, it will hella happen real easily! And btw, many women do not cum from penetration, that's no biggie. But seriously, doesn't looking at it like, "Hmm, I just haven't found it yet" seem more fun and exciting than, "I don't orgasm easily?" One perks up my ears, the other makes me pout.

And instead of looking at all this as a problem, and an issue, and a concern -- ugh, heavy! -- make it a game. Call it, "How Many Ways Can Zephyr Cum?" Keep it fun and light. Try different positions, techniques, repetitive movements, pressures, etc. Start looking at different options that you haven't tried yet. Think of it like a treasure hunt.

The last time we talked, I had thought this was what we were going to do... and then we went back to the same stuff.

I think for me, it's becoming an issue of trust: will my partners take care of me like I take care of them? There have been episodes of one or both of them falling asleep in the middle. While the explanations are valid, it doesn't change the emotional blow. (I recognize we all own our sexual needs. So, in the end, I can take care of myself. But it hurts that I see to it they have no need to take care of themselves, but won't do the same for me.)

I think that's where I'm at today: dealing with the emotions and trying to find a way to either (a) not take it into myself as them not desiring me or (b) get them to realize how isolating and lonely it feels in my shoes. Right now, I wonder why I should put myself in a vulnerable position, trusting they will reciprocate, when it's clear they won't.

So far, I'm not succeeding on either count. As Ariakas suggested, I am working on a letter (email). I guess I'll just have to see how that is received.

Zephyr

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by zephyr

The last time we talked, I had thought this was what we were going to do... and then we went back to the same stuff.

But who allowed it to revert back? Did you really go for what you wanted or acquiesce to what they wanted? It sounds like you tend to give in to their dynamic without asserting yourself into the whole.

How old are all of you? I may have missed that info.

I think for me, it's becoming an issue of trust: will my partners take care of me like I take care of them? There have been episodes of one or both of them falling asleep in the middle. While the explanations are valid, it doesn't change the emotional blow. (I recognize we all own our sexual needs. So, in the end, I can take care of myself. But it hurts that I see to it they have no need to take care of themselves, but won't do the same for me.)

Ah, I see. That sounds very disappointing and like a "me against them" situation. I can see how it would feel hurtful.

I usually view falling asleep as a mechanism people use to avoid looking at a situation. I mean, I've been bone-tired and kept it going all night long, because it was something I wanted. But I've noticed lately when I am stressed and dealing with something I really don't want to have to deal with (I have an emotional circumstance in my life right now - getting divorced), I get so incredibly drowsy I have to lay down, and then I sleep for a few hours. It seems like your husband and girlfriend are not really addressing something that needs to be addressed.

I think that's where I'm at today: dealing with the emotions and trying to find a way to either (a) not take it into myself as them not desiring me or (b) get them to realize how isolating and lonely it feels in my shoes. Right now, I wonder why I should put myself in a vulnerable position, trusting they will reciprocate, when it's clear they won't.

So far, I'm not succeeding on either count. As Ariakas suggested, I am working on a letter (email). I guess I'll just have to see how that is received.

Yes, I see. But you really don't know for sure that they won't reciprocate, but I understand how it feels that way. It may all have to do with how the issues are presented to them.

A letter may be a good way to get clear on it all for yourself, too, so it's not just rumbling around in your head, making you crazy. My guess is that there are some unexpressed or difficult to understand feelings at play here, and not necessarily a lack of desire for you. However, taking a more positive, assertive, standing-up-for-yourself attitude, rather than feeling like the problem in the triad, could make you more desirable to both of them. It does sound like the girlfriend is more of a take-charge person, full of gusto, than you are -- whereas, perhaps, you hope and wait for what you want. Would that be close to accurate? Also, it may be that they just don't realize how they might come off as inconsiderate towards you.

[zephyr]

Originally Posted by nycindie

But who allowed it to revert back? Did you really go for what you wanted or acquiesce to what they wanted? It sounds like you tend to give in to their dynamic without asserting yourself into the whole.

How old are all of you? I may have missed that info.

Husband and I are early 40s, she's mid-30s. As for "go for what you wanted" -- I wanted them to play more with me, one-on-one and together, I wanted more lead-up time before they try to get me off... I'm still not sure how to "demand" someone else's actions be what I want them to be...

Originally Posted by nycindie

However, taking a more positive, assertive, standing-up-for-yourself, attitude, rather than feeling like the problem in the triad, could make you more desirable to both of them. It does sound like the girlfriend is more of a take-charge person, full of gusto, than you are -- whereas, perhaps, you hope and wait for what you want.
would that be close to accurate?

I'm "the peacemaker", except when I blow up. *Then* I'm "the bitch". At least that's how I see myself perceived.

And honestly, being really new to a triad (and our first poly relationship), I'm not real sure *how* to take-charge. I'm a little submissive for that. "YOU: massage me now." :-/ I'm being a little tongue-in-cheek here, but that's sorta how I think. I'm asking them to adjust their ways for my needs. When I asked and it didn't happen... that's why I'm posting today.

What do I do now? My answer so far is "write them a letter". It's almost done. I just am really afraid of her response because she can get so defensive so fast. And I don't really know where he's going to come down on this topic. In all honesty? I feel like I've lost the trust I gave them: that they would "have my back" like I have theirs.

I guess I need to tell them that....

Zephyr

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by zephyr

I feel like I've lost the trust I gave them: that they would "have my back" like I have theirs.

I guess I need to tell them that....

Oh, yes! I think that is a very important piece of what you need to tell them.

I am so sorry you're going through this right now. But I'm glad that writing the letter seems to help. Hopefully more experienced folks will chime in here, too.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Read The Woman's Anatomy of Arousal. Excellent book about learning to claim our birthright of sexual delight. For example, you said you don't make sounds when having sex til the moment of orgasm? The author encourages making sounds as your arousal builds. She also offers lots of tips for partners.

I just ordered this book from Amazon. Thanks for the tip!

[redpepper]

I just read everything here and first want to say that I feel for you. I haven't ever been in a triad (my vee is triad like, just no sex between the men), but have been in several threesomes and in my experience they are great for what they are, but eventually it becomes evident that the sex will continue more successfully if it is broken up into twosomes and then maybe a threesome again sometime later.

Threesomes are a lot of work for some. The dynamic can be exhausting in that there are so many dynamics at play in terms of sexual needs, emotional needs, pacing is different for one over another, relationship dynamics etc.

This being said, perhaps you are ready to break up the threesome sex for awhile and move into some twosome stuff for a bit. The disconnect from your husband sexually is a bit of a red flag for me. It wouldn't be so bad, but if he is getting his needs met else where and you are not getting his one on one attention any more then that is cause to be wary to me. Her

Her attention is also necessary for a triad to work, so one on one time with her is important too. I'm not just talking sexually, but dates, alone time at home, walks, bowling, what ever it is you both enjoy doing together... sex can often come from simply hanging out and feeling a connection when you do mundane stuff. Your husband might kick it up a notch in this way also.

It might be that the relationship status you have is turning into a vee rather than a triad. No biggy really, that happens more often than not. Perhaps being sexual with her is turning into something that isn't as important as it once was. Maybe not to you, but to her. That might be worth checking.

It sounds like you all have come to a place where your relationship is hitting a crossroads and the plateau you were on is turning into a hill to climb. Soon it may even be a mountain. That is how relationships go no? At least they do in my life. Maybe it's time to "fight" in terms of talking about some heavy shit. Maybe not while you are in the midst of a threesome, but a night of herbal tea and discussion. It sounds like you have an email on the go, perhaps you could add to your email that you would like to sit and organize things differently, discuss boundaries and get to the bottom of this so it works better FOR YOU. They get to come to the table with how it might work better for them and all can be looked at and some ideas on how to move forward presented.

You might want to make a list of points to cover so as to not lose your train of thought. It could take some time. This kind of talk can take time to settle in... no big decisions need to be made in one night. Leaving things for later so as to mull over them is totally reasonable. Relationships are made over time and work... not in one moment. It's the journey as much as the destination.

[zephyr]

I'm coming back to give a sort of "this is how it went" summary, but first, I'd like to thank all of you for reading and commenting. I have at least one PM to answer still...

Yesterday got pretty tense as my email hit their inboxes. They both reacted about how I expected each to react and some hurtful words were said which changed the landscape of the entire dialogue.

However, through that, I learned there *was* an underlying problem and we (eventually) managed to talk about it. As is true of "the big fights", it's an on-going thing we're all going to have to work on. But now that I know the problem is there, I can.

In the end, we got to the make-up sex *blush* and it was everything I've been needing and more. So, while I would have liked to skip the yelling and the cold silences, what I'm left with is much reassurance that things weren't imagined *and* the reason for them wasn't a desire to break the triad into a vee (which was my fear).

Thank you all, again. I hope one day to return the favor to someone here on the forum.

Zephyr

[redpepper]

yay

[Ariakas]

Congrats... sometimes things get rough before they get better.