Help! I'm struggling as my mono marriage of 20 years is turning poly

[Lemondrop]

Originally Posted by Polymonial

That said, I *did* tell my wife that I wanted her attention at the time, but she told me she was busy. That's why I tried to participate in the activity instead. I guess I could have put more emphasis on my needs to be with her, and that I considered it to be our time together... it's just a fine line between speaking up and sparking an argument, or hurting the OSO's feelings if I pull my wife away from her.

I believe economists call this the principle of "scarce resources", i.e. my wife's time and attention. Both me and the OSO wanted my wife's attention, my wife probably wanted some time to herself as well to scan some photos, and there just wasn't enough of her to go around. Couple that with me feeling a bit low/neglected from previous events that week, and I just didn't handle it well.

SPEAK UP. <-- I have to remember this, particularly when I'm feeling a bit down in the first place.

The more you practice, the easier it gets, but yes, sometimes situations like this one still happen. I feel for you; I empathize, really, because it still happens, even though we're in a better place now.

Originally Posted by Polymonial

... And the jealousy started before the first date.... But when she found out we set up a dinner date, that was way faster than she expected, and she got scared....

In any case, I'm not seeing this other woman anymore. No more dates. I want to make my marriage work (poly it may be) if possible. And even if it doesn't work, I'm not convinced that this other woman is the right one for me. Instead, the bigger question is: do I really need to be in a mono relationship more than I want to stay with my wife? That's what I'm struggling with, but I'm making a conscious decision to put my heart with my wife, seek counseling (because I really DO need help to get over the feelings of betrayal from her cheating), and hope for the best.

What I was trying to put forward is that I think the jealousy was probably more based in fear...that she doesn't know if you're going to stick with her. Whether you leave her to be alone, whether you leave her to be with someone else, essentially she's scared that you're going to be gone. I needed endless reassurance from my husband that he wasn't replacing me; and I still get upset when Sunday (my boyfriend) seems interested in another woman, because I'm still not sure where I stand with him. This is, of course, a decision that you have to come to in your own time, but I was hoping to offer some insight into why she might be acting jealous.

Originally Posted by Polymonial

That said, it's still a very fragile relationship, at least for me. I'm not comfortable committing to it yet because I know I'm not ready, and that my emotions have flip-flopped several times over the past two months since my wife first told me about her OSO and asked for us to be poly.

Yes, two months is a very short time, even though I'm absolutely positive that it feels like an eternity to you. I think I remember every second of every minute of that first few months. I think that it will help you ground yourself if you make sure that you're taking some time just to take care of you. (Feels weird giving that advice to a guy...I'm usually saying it to a woman... ) I found that I was able to relax a bit more when I let myself do something I enjoy when I started to feel wound up. Mostly I go for coffee...I'm such a hedonist. :P But when I feel that resentment building, I go out and make sure I do something fun just for me.