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  #41  
Old 02-09-2011, 09:57 PM
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Ok everyone play nice please. Tone and intention can get lost in the written word. Unfortunaltely this is a hard topic for a lot of the board to get their minds around. Poly people (for the most part) really don't understand the loss of connetion that you feel Mono, it's beyond their experience of love and relationships. We tend to think that everyone experiences the world and emotions as we do.

This is a scary place for you to be. There is a risk that even with pulling back that you will lose the connection that you have with RP. Will it be a permanent loss of connection? Only time will tell for sure. Is it worth it for either of you right now? Only the two of you can make that desision. RP has said that right now the risk of losing that connection with you isn't worth proceding to a physical relationship with Leo. Down the line that could change. It's good that you're asking these questions now though. Sometimes it takes a lot of talking about the same thing over and over (and over and over and over) again to work out what the best desision you can make with the information you have available to you. There is no perfect solution.
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  #42  
Old 02-09-2011, 10:00 PM
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Oh, Mono, no fear. We are all well aware of RP's "strength" in this matter. She felt constricted and she acted on it to protect her integrity, personal power, feminist principles and freedom of choice. Takes 2 to tango and all that.

However, she messed up. She feels she cheated on you. That's a big issue in any relationship. It's all out there in her blog thread, which many of us have read, going by number of views.

Cindie's been on the board for 4 months now and has had plenty of time to have become informed on your relationship with RP, and your poly tangle in general.
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 02-09-2011 at 10:06 PM.
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  #43  
Old 02-09-2011, 10:07 PM
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I just wanted to say at this point that I am reading and noticing the questions being asked are all ones I have. I have also pointed out similar points. I have given Mono the space to talk on here or not. His choice. I don't think it is my place to talk about his stuff on here unless he feels comfortable or brings it up himself...I will post after I check in with him. Likely, mostly on my blog.

Thank you for asking hard questions. Its so important in helping us figure it all out. I like the bluntness myself. But it is hard to hear it put in a way sometimes that isn't delicate with our emotions. We are past that now and sarcastically joke about it. This thread was likely started (let me know Mono if I'm wrong) because we are able to put emotion aside for the most part. Sometimes there are triggers though and I thank all of you for your patience ahead of time as we continue to work through stuff with as much good humour and rational thought as possible.
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  #44  
Old 02-09-2011, 10:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
However, she messed up. She feels she cheated on you. That's a big issue in any relationship. It's all out there in her blog thread, which many of us have read, going by number of views.

.
We've worked through all of that Magdlyn. I put something on the table to give her and Leo the space to continue with their level of intimacy. It was turned down but I wondered how others would feel about it. Instead a lot of this thread became about why I have boundaries. I've answered those questions already. I've opened up completely on several threads regarding how I work. I have also started threads which specifically deal with my awareness and pain knowing that Redpepper lives within these "confines" to have me in her life the way she does. This is old news, old questions and old answers that have not changed.
That is why I get tired and frustrated when this repetitive line of questioning bleeds into any post I make that regarding boundaries.

I'm not holding anyone hostage. I put on the table that I am and in what ways I can participate in my relationship based on all the factors. I try to find ways to work compromise on some of those factors. Choosing to share in my life in a particular way is the choice of those assessing what I offer. I am either acceptable or not.
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  #45  
Old 02-09-2011, 10:24 PM
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Hi, RP, I was looking forward to you showing up because I didn't like to be talking behind your back, so to speak.

However, your blog is support only and youll only get rainbows and group hugs over there. I asked you to start a thread where honest, perhaps tough, comments could be made, and at that time you refused. I wish you'd seek more engagement because I do identify with you to a large degree, and am bothered by your decision to be poly-fi if it's not in your true nature. That's almost the same as a poly person trying to be mono for their mono partner. IMO, of course.
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  #46  
Old 02-09-2011, 10:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
We've worked through all of that Magdlyn.
Mono, stop it. Your post is in direct contrast to RP's just above yours. I dont see her feeling like it's all been worked thru and put to bed.

Quote:
I put something on the table to give her and Leo the space to continue with their level of intimacy. It was turned down but I wondered how others would feel about it.
Well, I do believe you got some input into that question!

Quote:
Instead a lot of this thread became about why I have boundaries. I've answered those questions already...This is old news, old questions and old answers that have not changed.
Mono, ONE person asked for more on *why* you have your issues, you kindly provided a link. End of story.
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miss pixi, 37
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  #47  
Old 02-09-2011, 10:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Mono, stop it. Your post is in direct contrast to RP's just above yours. I dont see her feeling like it's all been worked thru and put to bed.



.
I'm at work and started that post a while ago..just never posted it in time before I saw hers....the timing is a little weird
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  #48  
Old 02-09-2011, 10:41 PM
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Just so you know... Sometimes Mono does come across as an arrogant. I have been furiously angry with him on this point. It indicates he has been pushed too far and doesn't think he is spoken to with a repsectful tone or is struggling emotionally with what is being said.

Sometimes that is founded and sometimes not. Sometimes radical honesty is hard to hear and I try and remember to word things very carefully at certain times and back off when I suspect its too much for him. Its hard to know all that on line so taking a break might be best for all maybe.

I understand this is all hard to swallow for some people. Believe me I GET THAT more than anyone! I have been very frustrated and angry, but it isn't Mono's fault. I have blamed him, but what good does that do? It doesn't make things progress but makes it harder to move forward because we are at each others throat.

He has stuff to work on for sure, but it is for him to do, not me and I have found a way to work around it for now. I am choosing to look at my own stuff. That is all I can do. He can do as he chooses. All anyone can do is work on themselves. Time will tell if its the choices I have made are the right choices.
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Last edited by redpepper; 02-10-2011 at 06:14 AM.
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  #49  
Old 02-09-2011, 10:47 PM
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Wellll, this thread took a turn for the worse now didn't it
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  #50  
Old 02-10-2011, 12:29 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post

If both people are getting some of what they want while still maintaining relationships that they both get something from...is that not feasible? Is that not what compromise is about?
A workable compromise is one that actually works for all of those involved. If you need space from those two while they're together, then any working solution has to provide you with that space. You are responsible for making certain any solution works for you.

So, any proposed solutions that fail to keep you comfortable enough to stay engaged at the level you were are non-starters. It may, indeed, require that you be less engaged in group activities to stay comfortable.

Added: No solution can consist, in whole or part, of somebody saying to someone else, in effect "Well, you have to change for this to work."
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Last edited by AutumnalTone; 02-10-2011 at 12:37 AM.
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