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  #31  
Old 02-09-2011, 06:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post



Presently. Yes. But if RP had sex with Leo, you'd be unable to have sex with her, and since you have no other partners, you'd be having no sex.



So you say, since you are getting plenty now! Were you asexual/celibate before you were with RP?



.
I went through quite a process around my sexuality. Eventually I needed proffessional help to get to the route of what I was looking for from sex (as part of a bigger issue). I also did some exploration around sexuality on my own which re-enforced how I work internally. Without connection sex doesn't mean a lot to me. I'd rather ride my bike LOL

As a side note...completely hypothetically and not really of any impartance. I've been on Plenty Of Fish....getting laid on there is as easy as logging in so if I was desperate for sex...BUT...been there, don't regret it and learned a lot about myself through those experiences...one being that sex for the sake of sex is more fulfilling by myself
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 02-09-2011 at 06:54 PM.
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  #32  
Old 02-09-2011, 07:13 PM
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Ok I'm gonna jump in here because I think I know you a little and I kind of feel like you're getting picked on a bit.

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I'm using myself as an example to take on this thread:

Recently the issue of compromising on boundaries has come up for Redpepper and me. One of the ways I offered to create more freedom in her level of intimacy with Leo was for me to pull away from some group activities that we share as families. Admittedly, part of this is because I cannot effectively deal with the reality of how intimate they were and would like to continue being. Fair enough, like an Ostrich I burrow my head into the sand. I also know this would likely result in me being less active in a broader spectrum of poly environments/activities once again to avoid reminders or triggers which might make my issues around this topic flare. I think I would become more live in boyfriend with a separate/more introverted social life.
From what I know of you Mono you wouldn't feel much of a loss having a more introverted social life. I don't know that you would really lose anything from being less engaged with the larger community. I hope that this pull back from the community wouldn't extend to me as I enjoy your company and I would miss you. I can even see that it might be a temporary thing to let wounds, for lack of a better word, heal. If you're having to confront things all the time that are causing a flare up of emotion for you you're never going to be able to allow it all to settle. Sometimes the road to a new normal is extremely difficult.

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Essentially I would be stepping myself back into a more "secondary" role in order to deal with more openness for Redpepper. She would get something and I would get something. Compromise?

I have read of other posters on here who also want to be viewed as more secondary to cope with their partners other relationships. They too encounter resitance in the face of being asked to accept new relationships.
I know that you like to label yourself in terms of relationship. If it makes it easier for you to consider yourself secondary then why not? Although I don't know that anyone else would percieve you in that way. You were talking at one point about how much daily impact a relationship has in terms of primary/secondary ect. By your own definition you are a primary partner to RP, you share daily life, she and PN and LB all expect you to be there and rely on you for some of the day to day functioning of their lives.

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Yes, the dynamic of the relationship changes but it also changes with the addition of new partners. Is it "fair" to expect no change in current partner dynamics in light of the desire to change the dynamic by adding new ones?
Is it fair to ask existing partners to "not" change when they are themselves being asked to accept change?

If both people are getting some of what they want while still maintaining relationships that they both get something from...is that not feasible? Is that not what compromise is about?

I'd like to try to stay somewhat on target with this because I know there will be a tendency to ask "why don't you work on getting over this issue as opposed to avoiding it through stepping back". Been there…will be there again I am sure

Peace and Love
Mono
Change is the only constant in life. Sometimes it really sucks that things have to change no matter how much you want them to stay the same. I think that you and RP are at the point where there is going to be change. You've both got to the place that compromise means giving up a part of who you are. I'm not sure what that means yet. I'm not comfortable with the uncertainty being the way it is and I'm just on the periphery.

Is it possible to step back for a 6 month period or so and then revisit how it's working for both of you? Who knows how things are going to feel down the line. Maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing, but then again maybe that is how it has to be. You won't know until you try it out and see what works. There is no instruction manual on how to work relationships, let alone poly/mono relationships. I love you both (although in your case, platonically ) and I really hope that you're able to work this whole thing out in such a way that you both come out happy and healthy with your needs being met on the other side.
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  #33  
Old 02-09-2011, 07:47 PM
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you're getting picked on a bit. .

Heehee...I can take it but I can be very biting when I get frustrated. I try to keep my cool I really do


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I hope that this pull back from the community wouldn't extend to me as I enjoy your company and I would miss you. .
Not to worry my cherished metamour I'll still kick you ass in bowling

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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
If it makes it easier for you to consider yourself secondary then why not? .
Why not indeed? I wonder if there is a concern that I will drift more and more..that is a possibility and unfortunately I am mono. An extended time of broken connection could create a very slim hypothetical situation where I would be vulnerable to forming another connection....but I really don't see how I could ever trust anyone the way I do Redpepper and that is the cornerstone of my love for her. More likely would just be a growing distance that shifted my affection into a deep friendship.

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Change is the only constant in life. .
The kind of change we are talking about is not one that most people even consider. Change does happen in many areas for everyone..but not in all areas. This is bigger change than any I ever had to exprience in 18 years of being married (15 good). When my ex explored a relationship with a woman it all but ended us becuase I couldn't share her in that way.

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Is it possible to step back for a 6 month period or so and then revisit how it's working for both of you? .
We could..as long as both of us would have to assume the risk of a possible extended break in my connection.
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  #34  
Old 02-09-2011, 08:01 PM
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Ok I'm gonna jump in here because I think I know you a little and I kind of feel like you're getting picked on a bit.
No one is picking on Mono here. We're trying to understand and help answer these questions. He got defensive for no reason. Quite frankly, the whole situation and questioning are confusing. And I am new to poly, mostly familiar with mono relationships, so it's not just poly peeps who find his mono viewpoint hard to understand. I'm from New York, too, so I guess I feel a sense of relief when someone says something directly instead of using metaphors. Why pussyfoot around issues involving pussy? heh-heh.

Mono, The confusing part to me is that I understood RP has not had sex with Leo, thus respected your boundaries. But the night he came over and stayed in her bedroom started off a whole slew of discomfort for you, Mono. Yet you say you're not jealous. Yet, RP apologized in other thread for breaking your trust. What did she do? That is still not clear. What does she want to do? She has said she will not move forward with Leo and still there is a shit storm to deal with. What does stepping back mean for you, exactly? You sometimes wax poetic and are somewhat vague in describing certain aspects of your situation. We're all just trying to understand what the hell you're talking about. No one is picking on you or posing questions as a way to bitch at you or poke fun.

It does look as if, from the outside, that your boundaries (which really come across as rules to me) have essentially placed RP in a mono relationship with you. You have managed to exert some powerful control over her. I know she has said that the sex with you is more satisfying than it is with others, or at least, being with you involves lots of sex. She's not sexual very often with her husband or other partners who were (I believe) in her life before you came on the scene, so it's like she's living a pretty much mono lifestyle in deference to you, despite the fact that a poly tribe is something she has said she strives for.

I don't think your stepping back is an unreasonable shift to make in order for you to handle the addition of another partner in her life (as long as you won't be pouting about it). And while it's ridiculous to think that adding someone new to the mix wouldn't demand changes all around the tribe, you seem unwilling to look further into why it would bother you so much. It's like you've dug your heels in and said, "this is just the way I am" without wanting any suggestions that there could be jealousy or other issues at play here. But, okay, let's say it is just the way you are and you do step back and RP takes on Leo as a full-on sexual partner and lover, and maybe other people, too, for that matter. How will you handle what may happen if lovemaking with Leo or another eclipses lovemaking with you, just as lovemaking with you eclipsed lovemaking with PN. Are you prepared for that? Maybe you can handle her relationships with PN and Derby because on some level you feel you've got the upper hand and are superior, or preferred, in your lovemaking, but Leo is an unknown. He throws doubt into the mix. She could wind up preferring his lovemaking over everyone else's. Hmm.

Even though you are mono and feel the need for connection to be sexual with her, I fail to understand how other, additional relationships RP has would be more of a threat to your connection than the ones she currently has besides you. It just does not make sense. If you allow some and not others, it's not quite poly, not quite mono, but you remain in control.

Perhaps this whole issue is rooted in your need for some sense of control in the situation. I'm not using the word "control" negatively. Human beings do often find comfort in some sense of order in life, and feeling like we have a handle on things. Perhaps, however, your need to be okay with the relationships RP has could be better handled by your own personal work on yourself rather than imposing limitations on whom and how RP loves and makes love to. She is poly, after all.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-09-2011 at 09:00 PM.
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  #35  
Old 02-09-2011, 08:21 PM
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It seems to me that this is one of those intriguing dynamics where the options were laid out very clearly at the get-go. A compromise to the benefit of the Poly has been offered now;

it's pretty much a take it or leave it situation.

I have a Mono boyfriend. We also have a no new men agreement.
I never talk about it on here-because it just IS that way. He knows I'm poly-he accepts that i'm poly and he doesn't try to limit my options.
But that is the agreement and that's just the way it is.
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  #36  
Old 02-09-2011, 09:13 PM
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I am new to poly,

You're not asking anything new here and are merely parroting what others have already asked/said and has been answered in other threads. If you're really interested take some time to read around on other threads. You missed the original question. I obviously should not use creative titles because they inject unintentional confusion....sorry for that LOL. I'm pretty much done with questions that are n ot related the original questions.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 02-09-2011 at 09:15 PM.
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  #37  
Old 02-09-2011, 09:19 PM
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You're not asking anything new here and are merely parroting what others have already asked/said and has been answered in other threads. If you're really interested take some time to read around on other threads. You missed the original question. I obviously should not use creative titles because they inject unintentional confusion....sorry for that LOL. I'm pretty much done with questions that are n ot related the original questions.
I'm not parroting anyone. I offer my own responses derived at from my own pondering of the questions. I spend so much time on this forum and you have the nerve to say I haven't read all the threads? WTF? My questions are directly related to your original one. There is no reason to be rude and arrogant. You just don't seem to want to hear what you don't want to hear.

I'm done with you.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-09-2011 at 09:22 PM.
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  #38  
Old 02-09-2011, 09:28 PM
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I'm not parroting anyone. I offer my own responses derived at from my own pondering of the questions. I spend so much time on this forum and you have the nerve to say I haven't read all the threads? WTF? My questions are directly related to your original one. There is no reason to be rude and arrogant. You just don't seem to want to hear what you don't want to hear.

I'm done with you.
That's fair enough. Bye
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  #39  
Old 02-09-2011, 09:41 PM
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You're not asking anything new here and are merely parroting what others have already asked/said and has been answered in other threads. If you're really interested take some time to read around on other threads.
Good grief, Mono. IMO, you owe Cindie an apology. That was harsh.

And the smilie at the end of your "fuck you, bye" post right there? Super passive aggressive.
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  #40  
Old 02-09-2011, 09:53 PM
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Good grief, Mono. IMO, you owe Cindie an apology. That was harsh.

And the smilie at the end of your "fuck you, bye" post right there? Super passive aggressive.
Sorry Magdyln. I'm not going to be accused of manipulating Redpepper through some powerful sex mojo or any bullshit like that. I am also not going to listen to insinuations of how oppressive I am. Basically that line of thinking is an insult to the strength that Redpepper has and she is no one's puppet.

Cindie has stated she is done with me. I let go easy in almost all cases. No harm, no foul and no hard feelings.
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