Getting the cake with a little less icing

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

That is correct ...no new male partners to be exact.



That is also correct. And I have repeatedly commented on how I worry about her well being in this with a man who has my boundaries.

"Who has my boundaries"? Who has your boundaries?

I am fully aware of that and it is my burden. Things seem simple to those that share their sexuality easily so I understand their confusion.


The focus of this thread is not for me to justify my boundaries, but to explore the validity of my offered ways to work around them to some degree.

In a polite euphemism-laid Canadian way. We're all adults here. It's about SEX.

You're doing nothing but offering her a choice. Black and white. Sex with you, or sex with Leo. She wants sex with both. Brick wall.

[FlameKat]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

That is correct ...no new male partners to be exact.




The focus of this thread is not for me to justify my boundaries, but to explore the validity of my offered ways to work around them to some degree.

Absolutely

For me (interposing myself and my personality in place of RP here) it would mean while I gained something I was deeply wanting/yearning... I would lose something I valued just as deeply...

I understand the 'constriction' that RP must be feeling (I haven't read each and every post so am still sketchy on the details of what has happened)... and also the 'ew' that you would feel... and am very interested to understand your side of things - as I said very pertinent to my situation.

In my situation, while T and I have parted ways, I still feel the same, but as WW still has not fully accepted my feelings, nor T's, (and is only partially committed to the journey this takes us on) I am feeling constricted by not being able to fully grieve, nor even fully express my feelings... it is still very much a softly softly situation...

It is not the boundaries themselves, that I am interested in in this conversation... it is the freedom each of you has within your relationship to fully and wholly be yourselves, and each of you loving each other fully and wholly through that...

to that extent... I do have one question and this one is pertinent... and one I have asked WW and still not gained a clear understanding from it - likely there are threads on it, what exactly is the (your) problem with adding another male partner? and why does it not apply to women also? *while it is a personal question to you - I am asking more from a general undersatnding point of view*

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

You're doing nothing but offering her a choice. Black and white. Sex with you, or sex with Leo. She wants sex with both. Brick wall.

Please read the opening comment Magdlyn...this isn't even about their intimacy going that far and I was offering a way to deal with the level they crossed into. I offered a compromise..not a black or white choice.

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Please read the opening comment Magdlyn...this isn't even about their intimacy going that far and I was offering a way to deal with the level they crossed into. I offered a compromise..not a black or white choice.

"The level they crossed into" is another euphemism! I can only imagine it was a makeout session, if not more. I know they cuddle and walk arm in arm.

You may think it's a compromise, but it doesn't look like it from here.

You're the cake. Your love, your sex. RP having sex with Leo is the icing? She shouldnt need icing? Your cake is moist enough?

(How far can we take this metaphor?) If the icing is something else, please be clear and precise, or I really won't know what you're talking about.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by FlameKat

what exactly is the (your) problem with adding another male partner? and why does it not apply to women also? *while it is a personal question to you - I am asking more from a general undersatnding point of view*

OK...I put a little more energy into the question again. Here's a link that deals with your question http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1016

Sorry Mags...I don't see any value in engaging you on this. Nothing personal, but you really didn't understand what I was talking about to begin with. Good call.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by dingedheart

Good luck with this.... see ya in Sturgis

Not this year my friend Maybe next time though!

[FlameKat]

Thank you for the link - it is very descriptive - I do have some thoughts, but will address them later as it is very late here and I want to be in a less stressed frame of mind when I do pose questions...

hugs to you both as always

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

... you really didn't understand what I was talking about to begin with...

OK, I am trying to understand, offer honest feedback and soul-searching and not just throw rainbows and puppies your way. Yet now you refuse to explain yourself.

I gave it a little more thought. Maybe you're the cake AND the icing! Your cake part is your love, your agape. Your icing is your willingness or ability to have sex with RP, and/or go to poly/kink events with her-- your eros love. You're willing to give her your agape *only* if she needs to express herself sexually with Leo. She sees this as a loss, she wants the whole enchilada (hehe a euphemism referring to her peppery name). Sexual love, fully expressed, with both of you.

I'm sure she'd feel wracked with guilt to go to bed with Leo, knowing you're sitting home in the basement, or working on your bike, and not getting any sex at all from anybody. In fact, she's said as much elsewhere.

BTW, Cyndie asked earlier if it was true Leo's wife doesn't want him having sex with RP... if that is a firm boundary, did he therefore cheat on his wife by making out (or whatever happened) with RP? Where do his wife's boundaries enter the equation?

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

OK, I am trying to understand, offer honest feedback and soul-searching and not just throw rainbows and puppies your way. Yet now you refuse to explain yourself.

No puppies needed..I actually prefer pussies...err just one

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

I gave it a little more thought. Maybe you're the cake AND the icing! Your cake part is your love, your agape. Your icing is your willingness or ability to have sex with RP, and/or go to poly/kink events with her-- your eros love. You're willing to give her your agape *only* if she needs to express herself sexually with Leo. She sees this as a loss, she wants the whole enchilada (hehe a euphemism referring to her peppery name). Sexual love, fully expressed, with both of you. .

I think you have it

I was offering to step back from some things in order to give her more freedom in other areas specifically with Leo. She does not see this as an acceptable offer and therefore has chosen to step back with him. We were joking about it with Leo last night on text BTW...that felt good I must admit.

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

I'm sure she'd feel wracked with guilt to go to bed with Leo, knowing you're sitting home in the basement, or working on your bike, and not getting any sex at all from anybody. In fact, she's said as much elsewhere..

Just to be clear this has never been about me not getting sexual needs met. Mine are met with abundance. Hell, I'm overall less sexual now than I ever have been.."Explained" : I don't feel it as a need for the sake of sex but as a way I want to share myself with the person I love and trust.

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

BTW, Cyndie asked earlier if it was true Leo's wife doesn't want him having sex with RP

I don't know if she has that as a hard and fast boundary or at all. She is more concerned about how Redpepper lifts his spirits and makes him happy.

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I think you have it

No thanks to you, Mr Fussypants!

I was offering to step back from some things in order to give her more freedom in other areas specifically with Leo. She does not see this as an acceptable offer and therefore has chosen to step back with him. We were joking about it with Leo last night on text BTW...that felt good I must admit.

Well, that's good, as long as RP and Leo aren't laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.

Just to be clear this has never been about me not getting sexual needs met. Mine are met with abundance.

Presently. Yes. But if RP had sex with Leo, you'd be unable to have sex with her, and since you have no other partners, you'd be having no sex.

Hell, I'm overall less sexual now than I ever have been.."Explained" : I don't feel it as a need for the sake of sex but as a way I want to share myself with the person I love and trust.

So you say, since you are getting plenty now! Were you asexual/celibate before you were with RP?

I don't know if she has that as a hard and fast boundary or at all. She is more concerned about how Redpepper lifts his spirits and makes him happy.

Ah, OK. Thanks for clearing that up. So she'd be in favor of it, if RP and Leo wanted to have sex. Cool.