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  #11  
Old 02-09-2011, 05:15 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Let's be bottom line honest here. Of COURSE dynamics are going to change when adding another person or the amount of time with another person. HELLO! There are only 24 hours a day. I'm admittedly currently a bit bitter because my guy all of a sudden decided he didn't have time to commit to me on a regular basis. This was after I moved PARTIALLY to work further on a relationship with him (in addition to wanting to live in a warmer climate.) He was the one who introduced me to the idea of poly.....talking about seeing "love" as "abundant" and not "scarce". etc, etc. I was the one who raised the issue of how does one fit everyone in with how busy life can get working, raising kids, etc? He assured me it could be done.

When it came right down to it he became overwhelmed with job and family responsibilities. (He had another partner before we met and they are raising her 9 year old child, too) Adding another person into his life on a regular basis all of a sudden was too much for him. His partner and I got along well...became very fond of one another. I participated in activities with them as a family and with their friends, so it's not like I was demanding or asking for exclusive time with him only.

There are no guarantees in life in any type of relationship....poly or mono. But, I would like people to really stop and think it through about the day to day impact on everyone involved when adding other partner(s) in to their life/lives. Please! My guy said he still loved me and wanted to see me.....IF and WHEN he had the time. I was asking for a once a week commitment to seeing me....even if it involved being with the family at the same time. I made the choice to not compromise with seeing him IF and WHEN....even though that's what he wanted. He didn't want me to end our relationship. I never wanted a secondary position and had always been clear about that. It saddens and angers me to think that in the end he had such little commitment to our relationship when the going got tough.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 02-09-2011 at 05:32 AM.
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  #12  
Old 02-09-2011, 05:56 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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dragonfly-I'm so sorry that you're going through that. I can only imagine how painful that must be.

I think it's so good for things like this to be brought up, so people can see what they need to consider as they move along in their lives.

This would be a good notation for the "primary/secondary" thread.
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  #13  
Old 02-09-2011, 03:31 PM
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I guess I just missunderstood your reference to "secondary" and "live-in-boyfriend". My bad
The stepping back would be part internally how I see our relationship and externally how I relate to our community. No bad
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  #14  
Old 02-09-2011, 03:46 PM
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Geez, I dont know, Mono. Didnt you 2 negotiate any of this in the earlier part of your relationship? Did RP know from the start she was limited to 3 partners only? She has said her sex w PN is infrequent and lukewarm these days. She doesnt see Derby all that often. So, her sex life is basically limited to you. Thats practically being mono, for a social, outgoing, highly sexed woman that she is.

You know she *wants* to fuck Leo. And vice versa. Them wanting each other, but not actually kissing or fucking, that's OK with you, but actually acting on the strong feelings they have makes your weenie wilt? Who needs to stretch here (learn to inure themselves against those images you find so vile)? Who needs to constrict themselves and change their entire personality and go against their philosophy and feminism?

RP talks a good game, but I have a feeling this attempt at poly-fi could cause her harm.

Tough situation.
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me: Mags, 58, living with:
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  #15  
Old 02-09-2011, 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
You know she *wants* to fuck Leo. And vice versa. Them wanting each other, but not actually kissing or fucking, that's OK with you, but actually acting on the strong feelings they have makes your weenie wilt? Who needs to stretch here (learn to inure themselves against those images you find so vile)? Who needs to constrict themselves and change their entire personality and go against their philosophy and feminism? .
When you ask questions that aren't intended to insult/get a reaction or reflect a high degree of bitch I'll answer.
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  #16  
Old 02-09-2011, 04:05 PM
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No worries. I didnt want an immediate response. I'm from New York. I get tired of the euphemisms. That's the bottom line as I see it. Question stands.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
my bf: Ginger, 61, married to:
Robin, 60 (mono)
and dating (NRE): Carla and David, married couple, early 40s
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  #17  
Old 02-09-2011, 04:06 PM
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No worries. I didnt want an immediate response. I'm from New York. I get tired of the euphemisms. That's the bottom line as I see it. Question stands.
No answer stands
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  #18  
Old 02-09-2011, 04:10 PM
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Aside from the extremely direct way Magdlyn posed the questions... I feel the questions are valid...

and not just to yourself Mono... these questions pertain to my situation and to many on this forum... obviously you cannot answer for all mono partners, but your response to those questions, would be helpful to many of us on here. You are so very good at explaining your viewpoint in ways we can hear and understand.

In many ways your situation seems to be one of 'going at the slowest pace' - except that the slowest pace was negotiated to be no new members after you, or the loss of you (in that way?)? I think (from what I remember from previous posts)... it sounds like a period of renegotiation has cropped up, because the terms are no longer wholly acceptable - no matter how much RP says she is ok with it - she is struggling with this or it would not be an issue for posting about?

*I'm sorry - I am suffering quite badly from various stressors and am having difficulty putting my thoughts into words*
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  #19  
Old 02-09-2011, 04:17 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
In many ways your situation seems to be one of 'going at the slowest pace' - except that the slowest pace was negotiated to be no new members after you, or the loss of you (in that way?)?*

That is correct ...no new male partners to be exact.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
I think (from what I remember from previous posts)... it sounds like a period of renegotiation has cropped up, because the terms are no longer wholly acceptable - no matter how much RP says she is ok with it - she is struggling with this or it would not be an issue for posting about?*
That is also correct. And I have repeatedly commented on how I worry about her well being in this with a man who has my boundaries. I am fully aware of that and it is my burden. Things seem simple to those that share their sexuality easily so I understand their confusion.


The focus of this thread is not for me to justify my boundaries, but to explore the validity of my offered ways to work around them to some degree.
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  #20  
Old 02-09-2011, 04:25 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I'm using myself as an example to take on this thread:

Yes, the dynamic of the relationship changes but it also changes with the addition of new partners. Is it "fair" to expect no change in current partner dynamics in light of the desire to change the dynamic by adding new ones?
Is it fair to ask existing partners to "not" change when they are themselves being asked to accept change?

If both people are getting some of what they want while still maintaining relationships that they both get something from...is that not feasible? Is that not what compromise is about?

I'd like to try to stay somewhat on target with this because I know there will be a tendency to ask "why don't you work on getting over this issue as opposed to avoiding it through stepping back". Been there…will be there again I am sure

Hi Mono,

Well I think you know where I'll come down on this but for the others.

Yes I think it seems more than fair. As "coupled people" we have all gone to an event or gathering that we did out of obligation or kindness or perhaps guilt or fair trade, meaning if you go here.. I'll go next time with you. In the poly dynamic everyone is doing what he or she wants and there should be no shortage of people to do it with. < No pun intended > I know I've been at my sister in laws house on beautiful summer day thinking fuck I could be on the golf course or sailing or at my summer place... actually just about anywhere else.

I've grown to dislike beautiful summer wedding because all the time they consume... if it rains or forecast to rain I'm much better. To be fair I always find a way to have fun at weddings. Now I may not have do any of those things I did out of coupe-dom anymore. The problem I have is with the kids. The message it sends... All the lectures I gave when they said why do we have to go.... that kind of crap. I think you in the perfect position to choose activities that are more fun/rewarding and or less painful

Good luck with this.... see ya in Sturgis

Last edited by NeonKaos; 02-09-2011 at 09:00 PM.
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