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  #21  
Old 02-01-2011, 02:14 AM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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I am a very lucky man.

RC is my partner in every way imaginable. She knows me inside and out and makes no bones about it. When she went back to school a couple years ago I told her that one day she would wake up and be amazed at what she had accomplished. I feel that way right now about our marriage. I had no idea how much growth and love I would encounter after I said the words "I do." She amazes me every day. And I'm beginning to amaze myself.

There have been few men in my life that I feel real intimacy with. Being a straight man in the midwest, that's not uncommon, but Charlie is one of those men. I battle my daemons on a daily basis and more and more I feel like I'm winning. And I see that same struggle in him. Different daemons, same struggle.

The possibilities before us are amazing, but they are nothing compared to what's happening right now. Right now we are, all three of us, on a slow and steady road to freedom. It is no mistake that we are fighting these battles together. There s no other way.
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  #22  
Old 02-01-2011, 11:23 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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I see gems here !
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  #23  
Old 02-06-2011, 02:37 AM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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The house is so quiet when RC is away. One might say that it is not quiet because she is away, but because I am quiet when she is away. And they would be right. There are a million things I could do to bring Music into this moment. Instruments litter the living room and my iTunes library is overflowing. There is a fucking 100 year old piano 15 feet away, but I have no interest in playing it. What I want most is to feel secure right now. And I don't.

This forum has been a Godsend at times. You people have offered so much love and support that I feel like I should honor you by gushing stories of growth and compersion everyday. And I want to. But my everyday is not that way. It's a struggle. Everyday. I continue this journey because I believe in the ability to love without limits. Though, ironically enough, I haven't found that place within myself. We live by lofty ideals. We preach communication at all costs. We make this choice and believe in it's merits to the point of pushing ourselves well past what was once comfortable.

I am tired.

There are times when the light at the end of the tunnel is no more than a pinhole. So far away and shrouded by darkness that it's hard to imagine it's anything more than another train headed straight for you.

It's time for me to put the brakes on making "polyamory" work in my life. Now is the time to simply make my life more workable. For this web of love to be possible, I can't just expect time to pass and my jealousy to recede. I need to stomp out the daemons that keep me from living the life I deserve. Self-worth, security, compassion, confidence, strength. Those are not lofty ideals. Those are the bedrocks of love. The seeds of a life well lived.

I love my wife to no end. I would give her anything I am capable of giving. But I can not continue living with this constant hurt. There is still a mountain of fight left in me. I am no where near giving up. Not by a long shot. The work does not frighten me. I am ready for it. What frightens me is that I have gone this far without having done it already. I guess that's called hubris. I was so convinced that we could handle this that I didn't stop to think if I could. And now we are well past the point of no return. I could ask her to end her relationship today and she would do it. But I could never ask her to stop loving someone. Especially someone that fills her with such joy.
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  #24  
Old 02-06-2011, 04:47 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Catfish-
I think that you have a good concept of what you need to do. That's awesome, that's a great first step.
Now, it's time to put it into action.

It's not necessary to always share with us pretty flowers and success. It's ok to share the hard parts too.

God knows I wish I could share MORE flowers and success. Maybe someday!

Hugs!

Even though you don't feel like playing the piano-It would make my day if you played Moonlight Sonata for me. That's my favorite-and I can only play the first 15 stanzas (not much huh). Someday I'll have a piano so I can learn to play instead of just memorizing a few pieces.
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  #25  
Old 02-06-2011, 07:17 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I was just telling Redpepper about how I would love to hop on my bike and ride down to see you and then I read your blog.I can't make that trip right now for several reasons but it seems even more important now. You have a good energy my friend and I can feel it from here. I'd love to just sit with you and look over a lake or ocean with a beer in hand and the quiet knowledge that we will all be ok. Take care my friend.
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  #26  
Old 02-08-2011, 12:16 PM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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I recently found the Love Language Test.

I break down like this...

Physical Touch 30%
Quality Time 30%
Words Of Affirmation 20%
Acts Of Service 13%
Receiving Gifts 7%
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  #27  
Old 02-08-2011, 05:52 PM
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River River is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Catfish View Post
I need to stomp out the daemons that keep me from living the life I deserve. Self-worth, security, compassion, confidence, strength. Those are not lofty ideals. Those are the bedrocks of love. The seeds of a life well lived.
First, a virtual hug.

Next...

Stomp them out? All of my wise advisers and my deepest intuitive sense suggest that this approach -- warfare -- will not only not work but it will increase the suffering and delay all healing and growth.

Please examine carefully, gently, tenderly, lovingly. Look deep. And love it all -- every bit of it, all that you are, all that you feel, all that you long for, even your fears. In this way the contracted, hurt, fearful places in your soul will relax a bit, know that they are loved, and then they can grow up, heal, change. With your loving support, your tenderness.
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  #28  
Old 02-08-2011, 07:03 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I just read your latest post and something popped in my head. I apologize if it's inappropriate.
I was wondering-
if maybe the reason that poly is harder in action to some is because they have physical touch as their primary love language?
It is for Maca as well.
But it's not for me.
So for him-if I'm giving physical touch to someone else and not him in any given moment then he feels like he's not "recieving" love at that moment...

Where as for me, it's not like that...



Just the thought that went flying through my head at your post. Keep writing Catfish-I love how your words inspire me to think more!
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  #29  
Old 02-09-2011, 04:36 PM
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River River is offline
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PLEASE READ THIS BOOK!




Catfish,

Yesterday I was browsing in a local bookstore and stumbled upon a book that I ended up taking home. Titled Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With The Heart Of A Buddha. I'm about 33 pages into it and it simply rocks! Its the sort of medicine I'm in need of, and, more importantly, am quite ready to take. I thought of you a fair bit while reading those pages, because of what I said above about acceptance of self as the key to changing / healing / growing. That's the core theme of this book, and the author (Tara Brach, Ph.D.), is brilliant at showing the light and the way. PLEASE READ THIS BOOK!

Also, see: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...84&postcount=4


.

Last edited by River; 02-09-2011 at 05:00 PM.
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  #30  
Old 02-09-2011, 05:44 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I was just telling Redpepper about how I would love to hop on my bike and ride down to see you and then I read your blog.I can't make that trip right now for several reasons but it seems even more important now. You have a good energy my friend and I can feel it from here. I'd love to just sit with you and look over a lake or ocean with a beer in hand and the quiet knowledge that we will all be ok. Take care my friend.
Wouldn't that be something? The thought of you two being able to spend time with each other someday makes me very happy. You're all right, man.
-R
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