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  #11  
Old 01-10-2011, 06:52 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Mama,
You sound like my last girlfriend. Sadly, she and I had to break up because her hubby couldn't get over the fact that she and I were in love.

I barely ever see her anymore, and while it hurts, I shove that hurt down even deeper. I actually WORK with her hubby. (Odd right?) He is my supervisor at my job. Oddly enough, he STILL got me this job even AFTER knowing about his wife and I.

We all started out as swingers also. My wife and I and her and her hubby. We were all swingers, but my wife and I only played with them. They would OCCASIONALLY play with others. Mainly AFTER my wife and I introduced them to the local swingers club. Boy was THAT a mistake. Anyway, we would meet up with them every weekend....This went on for 3 years! Eventually, after about 2 years, I realized that I actually CARED for his wife...... I confronted her, and asked her if she felt the same. She confirmed that she did, but would never leave her hubby. I told her I didn't WANT her to leave him, and I wasn't going to leave my wife. So my wife and I started talking to him about polyamory. All he could clean out his ears to hear was "polygamy". I tried and tried to explain it to him, but he got stuck on "poly", and made up the rest himself after that part of the word.


So, here I am now. My wife and I are currently dating a wonderful single woman. We are happy. I DO have times of longing, but I get over them.


I have to ask, did you at least explain the problem with the new man? Or did you simply never speak to him again leaving him wondering what he did to make you mad?
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  #12  
Old 01-10-2011, 07:18 PM
midwestmama midwestmama is offline
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Within an hour of my husband telling me that this was killing him and he could no longer do it, I was talking to the other man, explaining it to him. He wasn't all that surprised. My husband has yo-yoed on this the entire time. That was in early December. I haven't talked with him since. I'm still friends with his wife so we both know of each other, but don't talk to each other. She is poly and totally ok with our relationship, so she is an easy person for me to talk with.

I told the other man so quickly because I was afraid my husband would take it back when he saw me upset and then when I calmed down, a week or so later, do this again. (Its happened) and I just couldn't deal with it one more time. It is so gut wrenching.

I'm currently dieing here... I sent my husband a link to a page with info I wanted him to read on poly, but I sent it to his work address!!!! 2nd time I've done that! That's bad, I get excited to find something that may help and I don't think to change the default email. Uggggg

By the way, we don't have internet (live out in the sticks) other than our phones. To set up this account I had to go to the library and do it on their computers bc registration requires you to type in the scrambled letters and my phone doesn't show it. I've received messages from people here and I'm having trouble trying to reply etc... Please have patience if I don't reply quickly!
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  #13  
Old 01-10-2011, 07:58 PM
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hello midwestmama. Perhaps looking at the "book recommendations" thread and ordering some books would help... that way you can do some reading at home when you can't get to a computer. Just a thought.
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  #14  
Old 01-10-2011, 08:01 PM
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Mama,
No worries about any slow replies. I totally understand what you mean about the dying thing. My wife was ok with me and my girlfriend being in love with each other. She knew I wasn't going to leave, and knew that it didn't diminish my love for her (my wife) at all. She was there for me the entire time through the break up. I still remember hearing myself say "good-by D*******" the last time. For about a month after, I would go to work in hopes of hearing her voice on her hubby's cell phone, or possibly see her come into the shop. And the first time I saw her, she ignored me. She did this because of her husband. Not because of me. It is totally gut wrenching....but...as with all things....with time....it all passes.

My ex's hubby told me the other day that she came to him crying because my wife and I don't talk to them anymore. I simply said "I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm trying to keep my work and my personal lives seperate. So I would appreciate your co-operation on it." He dropped it, but I could tell he was upset. He has told me that since we all broke up, him and his wife have not played with anyone else. I told him I was sorry to hear that, but it would never happen again with them and us. He got upset about that. Basically, because he couldn't handle his wife and I being in love, all his sex play got kicked out too. Oh well. I really don't feel sorry for him.

My advice to you? Be patient. Your husband may yet come around. My wife has bouts of jealousy about me and our girlfriend. How does she get over it? I have no clue. But when she tells me something makes her uncomfortable, I listen, and don't do it again! LOL So be patient Mama....It may yet happen. Just remember, the journey of 1000 miles, begins with but one step.....and is completed through countless hours of hard work and determination.

My wife feels jealousy easier than I do. I think the reason, is because earlier in our marriage, when we would argue, I would tell her I was leaving her. She NEVER ONCE told me that. Soi she feels that if I find someone better, I'll leave her for the new person. I continuously tell her I'm not going anywhere, but it is a rough road to go. That's for sure.
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  #15  
Old 01-25-2011, 09:23 PM
midwestmama midwestmama is offline
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We went to our first therapy session. It was very good. Now we have to wait 3 more weeks for the next one. My husband still won't let me talk to my friend though.

My friend's wife is one of my best friends. She told me yesterday that if my husband ever said it was ok to talk to him again, she'd probably say no. She didn't like how he becane controlling of me when this all went down. She doesn't want to see or talk to him ever again.

I was just devastated hearing this. Here we have been working hard to get US ok. Working on us as a couple & also figuring out how to live with someone else in my life too. And while we aren't there, her saying that took away the light at the end of the tunnel.

My husband says he wishes he could snap his fingers and be ok with poly, but he isn't. Therapy was interesting but was with only one session, we're not there yet.
So, there is my update. I'm so glad we found an accepting therapist.
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  #16  
Old 02-04-2011, 02:25 AM
midwestmama midwestmama is offline
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Ok, I have a new issue/question for you... but I'm leaving it on this thread so you can know the background on our situation. It is nearing two months now since I talked to my boyfriend due to my husband's decision. I have recently told him this was just more than I can handle. We're still going to therapy and working on how I can talk to him again.

So... we have a couple that are friends of ours. The husband is my husband's friend and over time we have become friends with the wife. They are pretty good friends now and my husband has always been attracted to her physically and he has often said how much he enjoys her company. They are both poly. She was going to look for a boyfriend awhile back and my husband joked to me that perhaps he could be her boyfriend. He made that comment again a month or so ago. (after the break up of my boyfriend and I) We were to go out with them last weekend. She and my husband kept talking about how happy they were to get to see each other again and how much they wanted to dance together.

Today the wife and I were talking again. She knows everything about our poly issues. She still likes my husband. Today she was talking about how she had been looking on some dating sites for a boyfriend but couldn't find anything that made her want to even send an email. We were talking about how I had considered setting my husband up with someone so he'd get a feel for the poly from the inside, not the outside. She joked about asking him out. I pointed out that he wouldn't make much of a boyfriend because he was so terrible at communicating. Really, absolutely terrible. He's an engineer if that helps explain things. But, her husband is an engineer too and she's so used to this.

So... I talked to my husband tonight. I asked if he was interested in a physical only or emotionally involved relationship with her. I know he'd be interested in physically only, as he has always been attracted to her. She is looking for a emotionally involved relationship. He said he doesn't know. He's not sure he has enough time to devote to it. He doesn't know how it would be a good relationship idea (for us) for him to be gone even more. These are all valid points of discussion.

However.... am I wrong for being slightly frustrated that I am not even allowed to TALK to my friend when he is willing to consider the idea of himself being involved in a poly relationship??? I keep hoping that if he gets in one than he'll realize it was nothing to fear. However, this is my friend we're talking about. I don't want him to get involved with her and be freaked out and act poorly, possibly hurting her (feelings, not physically)

Should I be helping them or stay out of it (in which case no relationship will develop... she's the only person he texts other than me, and he texts her about every other month) She's a good match for him, I trust her and like her. Her husband is in a poly relationship already so she knows what is involved and what it feels like from the outside.

I'm confused.
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  #17  
Old 02-04-2011, 02:45 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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If it were me, I'd at least open the lines of communication with him on this topic. It looks like there is potential for benefit and growth for all parties.
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  #18  
Old 02-04-2011, 03:20 AM
midwestmama midwestmama is offline
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I should add that if he gets to date her, I would get to talk to my boyfriend again. So, I am motivated for this to work. But I don't want to push him and my friend into something for greedy reasons either.

I am not sure if they would work out of course, but the fact that he has always contemplated it made me think it may be worth a look...
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  #19  
Old 02-04-2011, 05:04 PM
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midwestmama,
I am feeling your pain, it must be breaking your heart not to be able to speak to your beloved. I've been there. My husband is so afraid of losing me -- but when he restricts me from loving, he IS losing me, on the inside Fortunately we are in a better space today, but this journey has had its rough spots, for sure. Sometimes I truly wish I had never fallen for the other man -- but then I remember that old saying, "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." So true.

You are not alone -- so many of us here have gone through much of what you are experiencing. That's why I keep coming here -- it helps. Oh -- and my husband also gets freaked by some of the stuff on here! Everyone's situation is unique, and no one really knows what's best for you. I just like reading other people's stories and realizing I'm not alone. I'm learning to "take what you like, and leave the rest."

I'm a midwestern mama too -- in Ohio, maybe we're neighbors?
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  #20  
Old 02-04-2011, 05:18 PM
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"And another important thing is that J. and I promised to never let our primary partners have the power to end our relationship. It only stops if J. and I want it to stop. J. and I needed that promise to feel safe, trusting and secure in our relationship."

Joyce,
I think that is beautiful. I never even considered making that promise with my OSO, but I've felt a desire to do so! How loving, to protect his feelings, too!

I have cut things off with him before, and left him sort of lost and wondering, missing me and wishing we could at least TALK. The hard part is, he and my husband are best friends, and I don't want them to have hard feelings if it is my husband who is struggling. I also don't want to make my husband look bad, like, "I'm feeling jealous and threatened by you, man".... I always want my OSO to think everything is ok, so he won't feel guilty about being with his best friend's wife! Sometimes I'm afraid my OSO will call it off, to avoid hurting his friend!

Communication really is important, but it gets awfully complex when there are more than 2 (which is hard enough, right?!)

I am a classic people-pleaser, so I have to resist worrying too much what is going on in everyone else's head! And yet, still be sensitive...

This is tough stuff! I really think poly calls you to a higher level of honesty. It is very challenging! But -- here I am, right?? Here WE are!! What a boat
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