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Old 02-02-2011, 04:13 PM
Nanda Nanda is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Brazil
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Default What do i do now?

Hi, i'm from Brazil, i'm 35 years old, lesbian and as a lot of people here i'm in the middle of my first time polyamory situation. I need to write it for you here because i don't have anyone to talk about it and i'm going crazy. I'm sorry about my english cause is not my native language. But i'm glad i can understand it and find this so helpfull forum!

I left my town to live with my partner (23 years old) about 6 months ago.
Well, since we met online (about 1 and a half year ago) and begin dating in LDR (yes, i'm reading this forum over 20 hours and now i can understand some of glossary words...lol) i always said to her that i never believed monogamic relationships and she said the same for me. A couple of times i said to her: "You know, ppl come and go into our lives everytime and sometimes we fell something for them and that is normal. But in monogamic relationships we can cheat or supress fellings and desires and i don't think that's the way we can handle it."

But in fact we never really get deeper in that subject. We were living a monogamic live with an idea that we could fall in love with another people someday and we could figure it out how to manage it.

About 3 weeks ago we met a girl online and we started a flirt, the 3 of us. And sunddely she became far from me and near my partner. And that was when the drama begin. My partner, i will call "L", was completly in love with her and spent hours with her online, many many hours, and i was jealous about it cause she focused all her energy for her new love, that i will call "R". I guess this is NRE right? Sometimes she spent more the 15 hours online and awake talking and laughing with R and i was here sitting next to her, completely apart from all of it. I didn't fell confortable at all. R is from other country and i thought: "how is it going to work? i was like 1000 km away from her but we moved together, but someone we never saw and from another country... i don't know. How is it going to be? Hours a day dating her online while i'm here watching in silence?". Well, the rest you can imagine, cries, struggles, insecurity, jeaulous all over the place (that was me, of course).

After i asked L a zillion times what's was going on between them and finally L told me that R was jealous about me, that R was in love with her and she couldnt handle our "marriage" (we dont have legal gay marriage in here but we live together). I just freaked out! I was felling lonely, aparted from them.

I fell like L doesn't want to let her go. She was sad when R logout and didn't come back. That was yesterday and L hopes she come back to her. Then i cried like a baby and tryed to set up some rules, wich we couldn't do it at all until now. I really wanted to get close to R again but she wants to live that relationship with my partner and completly apart from me and our marriage and i'm not fine with that (I exist!). And L wants to stay with her even if R wants a way that i don't agree. I'm trying to handle it but we just can't because we argue all the time. So, that's where i am right now. I don't want the 3 of us living that way and L wants it. I want to please her but i don't know how, since i'm not ok with that relationship beeing that way.

I know that we have to go trough it, but i fell like is too late to set rules and foudantions because it already happened and none of us wants to give up our ideas about R in our lives.
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Old 02-02-2011, 04:48 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Location: New England USA
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Hi Nanda,

You are correct on the NRE issue. And this is always the hardest phase for everyone involved. Calling it what it is and talking about how traumatic it is, is the only medicine.
Let your GF know that you understand, but are human and have feelings too. Ask for a little consideration is this too please. How she reacts will tell you a lot about the real depth of your relationship.
The NRE passes in time for everyone but it's never a painless process. Try to be patient and understanding, but keep communicating about your needs and your own relationship.

GS
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Old 02-03-2011, 10:15 AM
Nanda Nanda is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Brazil
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Tks for suport!

Well, today we had a conversation, the 3 of us and i was surprised how R reacts about all of it. I tryed to suport L but i really needed to talk with R about what was happening and how all of this was new for me as it was for her. I told i was jealous about it but that i was trying to be ok with it. So she told me that i was just saying yes for their relashionship because i dont want to loose L. So we talked and i tryed to explain all and she asked me things like: "What will be in christmas, vacations and birthdays? What if she wants to spend vacation time in ours country or asking L to go to her country, how if she wants to cuddle with me around and etc." I really felt like she wanted to be with L and try to be only with her, like a dispute. L doesn't think that is it but i do. R just couldn't handle my honesty and L, for some moments, thought i was being tuff about telling how i was felling and that was what made R give up on L. I'm pretty confuse because the subject i read often here is about how important is to be open and honest. That was exatcly what i was trying to do but L said i was like a topugun shooting. I was not rude in any moment and i was trying to convince R to stay, actually.
Anyway, R said to me that nothing will going to happen after i said to her about how i felt and wanted to deal with it. And that is where i am. I hope i can set up rules with L like no more online attachments, cause i think i will be more confortable if the person can live near us and share our reality on this moment. We r just 6 months living together and we need to settle so many things in our life together yet. And yes, i want to live in polyamory bases but i need to fell that my relationship is strong enought to go on with it.
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Old 02-03-2011, 02:48 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
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Hi Nanda,

Not a bad start at all ! I've seen worse


Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanda View Post
.....how all of this was new for me as it was for her. I told i was jealous about it but that i was trying to be ok with it. So she told me that i was just saying yes for their relashionship because i dont want to loose L.
I think you should acknowledge SOME truth in this (trying to keep your relationship) but if I were you I'd focus on and emphasize more the point that this is all new and you don't know how to do this - YET ! Everyone needs to cut each other some slack in the learning process. Mistakes may be made but as long as you take ownership of them and don't repeat them it can progress.
Does that make sense ?




Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanda View Post
.....So we talked and i tryed to explain all and she asked me things like: "What will be in christmas, vacations and birthdays? What if she wants to spend vacation time in ours country or asking L to go to her country, how if she wants to cuddle with me around and etc."
Those were good and legitimate questions ! Things that can be emotional trigger points that need to be thought about a little in advance. Especially feelings that come up when the 3 of you are together...the cuddling, sex, etc. Picture them in your mind and see what kind of emotions it evokes. Then ask yourself WHY am I having these reactions ? Do they make sense ? How can I create better reactions that are more in line with the truth than unwarranted fears?




Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanda View Post
I really felt like she wanted to be with L and try to be only with her, like a dispute. L doesn't think that is it but i do. R just couldn't handle my honesty and L, for some moments, thought i was being tuff about telling how i was felling and that was what made R give up on L. I'm pretty confuse because the subject i read often here is about how important is to be open and honest.
Good. Important to be open & honest ! But maybe think a little bit about how you choose your words. Try to be kind and empathetic. Everyone is new to this right ? So everyone is a little on guard and sensitive. Get your point across in as kind a way as possible without being confrontational.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanda View Post
Anyway, R said to me that nothing will going to happen after i said to her about how i felt and wanted to deal with it. And that is where i am.
Again, some jealousy is / should be expected by everyone. The fact that you are willing to work past it is a positive sign. The more you acknowledge jealousy and talk about it openly the sooner you can put it in it's proper place. As fears diminish the jealousy will follow. Talk about what you are fearful of and look for evidence that those fears will not come about.


Good luck and let us know any way we can help.

GS
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