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Old 02-03-2011, 06:14 AM
EpsilonLyr EpsilonLyr is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Pacific Northwest, U.S.A.
Posts: 27
Default How do I tell her?

Hello, and thanks for reading/replying.

Days ago I didn't even know what polyamory was, but I already have a lot of respect and admiration for those of you who have nurtured such complex, beautiful, and at times stressful relationships as those I've read about here. I was hoping to share my dilemma with you. It may not be unusual, but it's been giving me hell.

The story:

My wife (let's call her Sofia) and I have been together for six years, married for two. We took it slow, lived together, talked things out. We are very compatible. People around us believe we are exquisitely happy together. In truth, we are... most of the time. But twice now, another woman has walked into my life and spun my world out of control. I'm not talking about lust. It's something much deeper than that. I have feelings for these women. They are special to me. I still think about them fondly today, even though nothing ever happened between us. I never cheated or even tried to go out with these girls. It's just a lot of guilt and frustration that I never tell Sofia about. I just swept it under the rug and all is supposedly forgotten.

Fast forward to last November:

It happened again, the 3rd time. When I met this woman, (Emily) the sparks were flying right away. It was completely unexpected! I didn't go after her, it just... happened. But Emily feels different from the others. It's not just some infatuation for me. And I am certain she feels the same, though it must be confusing for her to be interested in a married man. I see Emily for two precious hours every Monday at work and I am in heaven. We talk and talk. I can just FEEL the connection between us. Honestly, I couldn't escape this even if I wanted to (which I don't). I look forward to those precious few hours all week. I believe I am falling for her. All last month was miserable. I questioned my marriage, wondered about divorce. How could I keep doing this to myself? Finally I told it all to a good friend. He had helped me last time. I cursed monogamy, asking why people can't share their love and why we have to force ourselves into these restrictive social contracts that so often don't work! And he said, "I wonder if you're polyamorous." To which I replied, "poly-what?"

It was an awakening. I've done a good bit of research in the last few days and it led me here. I am confused. I believe I'm in love with two women. I think of Emily all day and dream of her at night, wishing that I could just act on the feelings we have share... and in the morning I want to reach out and touch Sofia but I hold back because of the guilt I've been programmed to feel for having "non-monogamous" thoughts. It is damaging an otherwise happy marriage. If only I could openly share my love with both of them, I would be happy. But I am afraid that neither would understand or be willing to entertain the possibility.

What do you think?
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