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  #81  
Old 01-01-2011, 10:51 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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Tonberry has asked for a separation.

I think for now my journey into the poly world is over, it will be a long time before I'm ready to date again, even in the sadly unlikely event that she and I do work things out and stay together.

It's been an interesting forum and I've learned a lot here, but I don't think I'll be around much anymore.
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  #82  
Old 01-01-2011, 11:05 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Being poly is part of who I am so I don't think I'll stop coming along here. However, I'm the middle of all of this personal stuff, sorting things through with Ragabash, and then deciding what to do, where to go, and so on. I probably won't be as present either.
I'll probably make a longer post later on to explain things a bit better when I know how to explain them.
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  #83  
Old 01-08-2011, 05:40 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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Sending loads of strength, support, and love as your journeys continues. ~~~~~~~
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  #84  
Old 01-26-2011, 02:21 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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We went to the marriage counselor today.

I found him very fair and understanding. When Seamus was brought up, he asked for details without being judgmental, and he mentioned that he thought open relationships could work wonderfully provided the relationship was solid and worked well prior to being opened up, which he felt wasn't really the case for us (on which I would agree in hindsight).

We have had problems for a long time, and up until recently I wanted to fight hard no matter what and just triumph against all, etc. I refused to even consider the possibility of breaking up.
Recently, when I started considering it, it suddenly seemed like the only way to go, and the best thing for everyone involved.

This relationship wasn't going anywhere, it seemed to me, on several levels. We didn't seem to make much improvement from the very start in dealing with one another, as much as we knew each other well and cared for each other very much. On top of that, I ended up feeling like it was putting my life on hold, again and again. I first stopped my studies and dropped out of school to go to Canada and live with Ragabash. My decision, of course, but I'm adding it because it was the first thing in the list.
Then started a long series of "things will get better when" or "things will improve after". I felt stuck a lot, stuck geographically, stuck career-wise, stuck in the relationship even, as we didn't really seem to get closer, have more projects together, spend quality time, go on vacation, etc.
Once again, I'm just stating these things as fact, I don't mean that Raga was responsible for them any more than I was, it's just how things happened.

I started feeling like by living this relationship I was losing my own life, my own plans, my own projects. I wanted to build my own life. I wanted to get a job and work. I wanted to study. I wanted to feel like I was going somewhere more concrete, more definite.
At the same time, Raga has struggled with depression for a while, and he also needs to work on himself for that. Just like I needed to start doing things instead of waiting for them to happen, so does he. And he has started to feel much better, thankfully.

I know a lot of people would think that I left him at the worst possible time, when he was depressed. He had just started therapy and taking antidepressants and they probably weren't working yet. But the second I thought we should separate, I felt like I had to talk to him about it. I didn't want to delay it. I didn't want it to end up being "yes, I have wanted to leave you for X amount of time, but I couldn't because of your depression". I felt it would be worse for him to realise the last few weeks or months or whatever had been lies, that he would feel guilty for "causing" me to stay in the relationship due to his depression, and that in the end it would just be worse.

Now, on the other hand, I feel like he's best equipped to heal and rebuild a life for himself, because he's seeing a therapist, because he's got support, and because, I guess, in a way because he's hit rock bottom and can only go up now. And I know it's going to be very hard for him but I really hope he can get over it and be happy.
As for polyamory, I'm not sure it was for him to begin with. Me, it's part of who I am, I am still polyamorous and this separation doesn't change that at all. Raga, on the other hand, didn't initiate anything, he only went along with me, and while he found he could go either way, I think ultimately he'd be happier and more comfortable with a monogamous relationship.
Of course, that's for him to know and decide.

I hope to remain friends, but everyone I talked to (up to and including the marriage counselor) thinks we should breaks things off for now and then, later on, once all the healing and rebuilding is over, get back in touch and build a friendship.
I will miss Raga in the meantime, or course, but I think it's for the best. Plus it's harder for him, obviously, so I don't think I am really in a position to complain about things like that.

I'm planning on staying on the forums, even though my relationship is now de facto monogamous, as neither Seamus nor I have someone else at this point. I see polyamory as a relationship orientation, too, after all.
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  #85  
Old 01-28-2011, 06:05 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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The end of every serious relationship, whether amicable or not, is painful and requires some grieving. Condolences.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #86  
Old 02-02-2011, 04:38 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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A few days ago, Seamus posted pictures of us (about three from September, one from December) on facebook, so his friends could finally know what I look like (we'd been together seven months). Anyways, I thought if he put it on his account it wouldn't be a problem, so I sent the pictures to him (they were taken from my camera so I had them and he didn't).
The problem is, I tagged them without thinking. Now, all of what I'm saying next I heard about yesterday from Raga.
Apparently, tagging myself on the pictures alerted all of the people on my friends list, including Raga's family. His brother's girlfriend apparently reacted very badly and strongly, and contacted Raga, presumably to insult me (he didn't give me details, just that she was furious. I assume not with him).
Raga thought I had done that on purpose to hurt him and was saddened by it.

I didn't do it on purpose at all. I thought only his friends would see it, and if my friends saw it I expected them to talk to me and not go yell at him when he's already stressed out enough as it is. On top of that, after Raga informed me, I noticed that she had taken me off her friends list. So without a word to me, she just decided to be upset with me, not check anything, not tell me a word and remove me from her list. Well I guess I know who not to stay friends with >.>

I talked to Raga's brother saying I was sorry about what happened and that I didn't realise that a) they'd all get the pictures and b) they didn't know about Seamus.
I'm going to live with him and Raga's dad is giving me a lift to the airport. I guess I assumed everybody knew about him by now, be it only because I had spent so much time with him lately, if they didn't learn about him they would assume I had been cheating on Raga.
I didn't get to talk to any of them since breaking up, so I didn't get a chance to explain anything, and I guess I shouldn't have assumed things. Anyways, double stupidity on my part.

Raga's brother was fine and perfectly normal, he was his usual self, so I'm not too worried about that. I'm very annoyed with his gf's attitude though. First, I don't get why she's furious in the first place, it doesn't have much to do with her, it's not like I had sex with her boyfriend or something. Secondly, while I could forgive getting upset over that if she went to me, she didn't and instead went behind my back. And thirdly, as if going behind my back wasn't enough, she also went to bother the one person who really didn't need it.
And then she took me off her list without a word.

I don't get it. I value honesty most of all and I'd never go behind someone's back if I thought bad things about them. And at the very least I'd first ask "hey, what is that about?". I feel like she decided to go against me for no reason and it is very annoying, and then she also stressed out Raga with having to explain what it all was about when he hadn't done anything wrong.

Anyway, pointless drama. I don't get people. It's like they like hating on each other. I feel really hurt. What's more, she's cut all ties with me so it's not like I can even contact her and talk about it.
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  #87  
Old 02-02-2011, 04:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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You can remove the tags from the pics.
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  #88  
Old 02-02-2011, 05:07 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You can remove the tags from the pics.
Thanks for the info, but the harm has been done now. The problem wasn't the pics themselves, but that it made people learn about Seamus and I assume think that I had cheated on Raga and was leaving him for my lover. Removing their ability to see the pics wouldn't change that (especially since she's unfriended me anyways).
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  #89  
Old 02-02-2011, 05:23 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh, I know. I totally got what happened, but thought maybe removing the tags would make you feel a little better, like taking some control back in the situation. Sorry it all blew up like that!
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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  #90  
Old 02-02-2011, 05:50 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Ah, I see Thanks for the suggestion, but I'm afraid it would send the message that I'm ashamed to be on these pictures, which I am not! And yes, I'm sorry it blew up too, although I would have been willing to face the consequences if I had to, I'm just annoyed they ended up falling on Raga, and I wouldn't even know anything had happened at all if he hadn't told me himself.
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