Opinions please

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by BaconWrappedCupcakes

I'm not poly, I don't want to be poly.

What does not being or wanting to be poly have to do with meeting her? It's not an infectious disease. Nobody gets a toaster oven for recruiting monos. Meeting her involves nothing more than meeting with somebody and having a discussion.

I'm wondering why you tossed that in your post. Your statement that you are mono covered that thoroughly, so why the reinforcement of the idea, especially directly after stating you don't want to meet her?

[redpepper]

Can you ask for some stuff before hand? "Please don't show affection around each other the first time we meet, please let me have my say when I need to go or need to say something, please respect that I am terrified that my relationship will end if I do this and show me that you love me.... and this is how?"

All this seems negotiable to me. I think that in talking about your needs you might come to a place where you are ready and willing to move forward. Everything is possible if you decide it to be so... this is my philosophy anyway.

[LovingRadiance]

FYI-
Being mono isn't a problem, and meeting her certainly won't change that. You know that right?

I sense that there is something underlying your fear/concern. But I'm not catching what it is.


I know that for GG (my boyfriend), he's mono-but he's very secure in our relationship and enjoys meeting people in my life.

On the otherhand, Maca (my husband) is poly and he's so insecure that he can barely handle dealing with GG....


I'm still very curious as to exactly what it is about meeting her that upsets you. If it's THEM and the affection-it seems an easy solution to meet with her when he's not there.
Is it maybe somethign else?

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

What does not being or wanting to be poly have to do with meeting her? . . . I'm wondering why you tossed that in your post. Your statement that you are mono covered that thoroughly, so why the reinforcement of the idea, especially directly after stating you don't want to meet her?

Oh, I totally get it. I believe what she meant was that, to her, it seems that poly people think of meeting the mates and partners of their SO's as perfectly normal and natural. Doing so, however, is completely out of her reality, even though they have spoken. The idea of it makes her uncomfortable, and she sees no need for it herself -- and therefore she's saying "I don't want to be poly" because she's associating such ease with a meeting like that as a natural part of being poly. And it's funny how many of the people who responded are like, "What's the problem?" -- which kind of illustrates her point (if I've interpreted it correctly).

As a mono she prefers to simply enjoy her relationship without having to meet anyone else he may be involved with, even though she's accepting of it. She appreciates what she has with him, doesn't ask questions about the gf, and has no need to feel a part of a "network" or other poly configuration. Meeting her partner's gf just makes her feel more of a part of something she doesn't really want to think about.

Did I get that right, Bacon? (love the username)

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by nycindie

As a mono she prefers to simply enjoy her relationship without having to meet anyone else he may be involved with, even though she's accepting of it. She appreciates what she has with him, doesn't ask questions about the gf, and has no need to feel a part of a "network" or other poly configuration. Meeting her partner's gf just makes her feel more of a part of something she doesn't really want to think about.

I would say this is the most likely scenario. Meeting her could change a lot of things in my opinion. Actually embracing a relationship is a lot different than "handling" it or dealing with it.


If she is happy with what she has and everyone is satisfied that there is knowledge of each other and this isn't moving towards something deeper or closer physically, why not just enjoy it and stop pushing the meeting?If they are wanting something closer nit they should be upfront so she can decide if that is something she is even interested in.

She might be purely interested in him and want nothing to do with poly beyond that.

[GroundedSpirit]

This seems a difficult situation, at least for me, because I can understand both sides of the equation.

It seems it's fear driven from both sides.

The mono person doesn't want to do anything that might threaten her self image and identity (mono). Must be really important for some reason ? Being forced to meet the other love really drives home the fact that she is NOT in fact involved in a mono relationship except in her own mind.

On the other hand, the poly GF likely needs to have a certain sense of security about who she is indirectly involved with and feel good about that. Because meet or not - they ARE involved ! Can't change that fact. And your warning flags naturally go up when someone doesn't want to meet/acknowledge your existence. What are they hiding ? How could that affect me ? Etc. Natural and wise in most cases.

I guess the only win/win I could see coming from this would rely on the hinge. The poly GF would have to have such deep trust in her SO that she could get comfortable with a total unknown being in the picture. The hinge would have to believe that in at least this case, it's acceptable to nurture someone's else's fears of facing reality and that that behavior won't have any further implications down the line. That's a big leap to me. At least my experience has been that people who insist in burying their head in the sand end up with a mouthful and often smothering to death. Not a pleasant experience for the lover standing (or kneeling) beside them to live through. If you get my drift.

Not a good situation it seems.

GS

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

And your warning flags naturally go up when someone doesn't want to meet/acknowledge your existence. What are they hiding ? How could that affect me ? Etc. Natural and wise in most cases.

Very true GS. Sounds like logical insight into the mind of the hinge's other girlfriend.

Maybe biting the bullet and just meeting her once more would suffice to alleviate the issue. Temporary discomfort for a greater sense of calm.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Temporary discomfort for a greater sense of calm.

I do not understand why the human condition seems to assume that discomfort or adversity is something to be avoided, instead of something to be confronted and moved past. It reminds me of when I was between the ages of 6 and 18, when I had a fear of vomiting and would do everything to avoid it; i think I must have only puked once or twice during that entire period of time. Now, when I feel sick, I try to get it over with as quickly as possible, or at least I don't try to fight it when it happens. It's not as though those few moments have to define the rest of your life. Maybe the fact that I've embraced my predisposition toward pessimism makes it easier for me to realize this kind of thing, because the purpose of looking for problems is to either deal with them or rule them out.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

I do not understand why the human condition seems to assume that discomfort or adversity is something to be avoided,.

You said it yourself and already answered the question I think...it's the human condition.
I don't see why anyone wouldn't gravitate towards comfort. I know people find great payoffs at the other side of discomfort sometimes but for others it's not worth it. It's not a matter of "not dealing with reality"...it's a matter of creating a comfortable one.
Keeping it simple and living in comfort isn't such a bad goal in my opinion.

To each their own I guess

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

You said it yourself and already answered the question I think...it's the human condition.

I didn't say it "is" the human condition. I said it "seems to be" the human condition. If you don't get the difference between those two thiings, don't bother reading what I'm about to say next.

I don't see why anyone wouldn't gravitate towards comfort. I know people find great payoffs at the other side of discomfort sometimes but for others it's not worth it. It's not a matter of "not dealing with reality"...it's a matter of creating a comfortable one.
Keeping it simple and living in comfort isn't such a bad goal in my opinion.

Again, I didn't say people shouldn't "gravitate toward comfort" or that they shouldn't try to "create a comfortable reality". The "reality" IS that discomfort is a normal part of reality. Avoiding discomfort in the short term can lead to MORE discomfort over the long term. Deciding to be in denial never does anyone any good.

To each their own I guess

Yeah, I guess. Everyone's denial is their own