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Old 02-01-2011, 07:31 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Location: Australia
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I had a quick read of her blog - She comes across as very impressive in her capacity to understand the cycle and her emotions. Ups and downs to be expected, of course.

When I forced my emotionally abusive ex-partner to leave...he dragged out the picking up of his stuff no end. He still had keys at this point..

We'd arrange a time when I would be absent for a number of hours and he would commit to coming and getting his stuff. I'd arrive home after being absent for hours and there was no sign he had come. All his stuff was still here. He would argue he still needed the keys...so he could pick up his stuff....leading me to sleeping at night with bookcases up against the front door...thinking at least if he comes the bookcase falling over will wake me up and I can run out the back door. Oh, to think that was my life !!

The arranging to pick up stuff happened on quite a few occasions. Eventually I worked out this was all part of the behaviour that I'd put up with for so long. He was disempowering me yet again. I had no capacity to get his stuff out of my house (which I really needed in order to close things off). Yet again I had no control. And here I was leaving my house on numerous occasions so he could come get his stuff ? What ? Here I was yet again changing my behaviour/actions and schedule for his benefit.

He turned up at a neighbours party that I was at. He had not been invited and the neighbours looked shocked and appalled....they couldn't work out how to get rid of him...and they were polite. They were aware of the history..

I excused myself and left. I then went home and carried every box, every book, every piece of furniture, lamps, pots & pans out to where he had parked his car - which was quite a distance down the road. It took me a couple of hours. My arms were sore, bruised and bleeding. But I swear - I moved that stuff with the strength of hercules. I was a robot, one box after another...

And I returned to the party and said "your stuff is by your car, can I have my keys back please ?"
Grabbed my keys and left.....I think I heard him complaining that it wouldn't all fit in his car - But I wasn't really listening

I'm not suggesting she has to do that. That's just a story that makes me smile
And a warning that his stuff still being in her house could potentially play a role in ongoing manipulation..
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Old 02-01-2011, 08:18 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Thanks for sharing the link to her blog, red. After reading it, I believe this young woman is going to make it. Her eyes are open and she's looking for the path out of that valley. You've given her good information and support, and she's getting support and help from other sources too. Excellent on all fronts.
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Old 02-01-2011, 08:39 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

update: he came and got his stuff and her dad took her out. He came back for more stuff and she was their.... he just came right in and was angry and self righteous. She hid in her room while her roommate dealt with him. His anger was more around not having a place to live than anything else... there is still stuff there and now she is left wondering if he will show up again, or what she should do with it. I haven't heard what her plan is.
She should:
  1. change the locks
  2. notify the police that she is evicting her abusive former lover
  3. inform her former partner that the locks have been changed
  4. inform him that he will have to arrange a time that is convenient for her to pick up the remainder of his things, and that he must pick up ALL his things within a certain period
  5. have the police on hand when he does come for the rest of his stuff

This course of action sends a clear message that she is now in control of her home, and that his behaviour will no longer be tolerated. Also, having the authorities on hand when he comes to get his things will put an end to any shenanigans.
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abuse, abuse of power, abusing partners, threat

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