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  #31  
Old 01-31-2011, 06:28 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I could understand if she was a little insecure about the wedding. I mean, you two getting married might call into question her role in your lives ... but not even able to talk about it in front of her? That smacks of cowgirl to me.

Speaking as someone recently married, my boyfriend was completely supportive of hubby and me. For our part, we reassured him that his role in our lives would not be changed just because of a party, a piece of paper, and two shiny metal rings.

Boyrfriend wanted to be at the wedding because it was an important day for hubby and me and therefore, important to him.
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  #32  
Old 01-31-2011, 07:07 PM
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Having read all the responses over the last days and having read the portion that came from your last thread, I see some stuff that I wanted to point out for you take or leave as you wish;

It seems that all of you are pussy footing around issues and feelings and not being radically honest about what is going on for you. You all seem to have needs that aren't being met because you all don't seem to be willing to put them on the table.

The needs I see here for all of you are as such (and please correct me if I am wrong); you need time with your fiance that is not involved with her and is focused on you, you need him to be present and engaged in you and your relationship so that you can make your own plans and be a strong couple. He needs time with your girlfriend and on his own in order to re-energize, feel like he has a life beyond your illness, and a future that is his; he needs to be a primary to himself. She needs to feel like she is part of your relationship together and that she is needed and wanted at your home and in your lives.

So, if this is the case, is it not possible to sit and divide up time between all of you? Be perfectly honest that this is what you all feel you require to be happy... and then when something isn't about you, you can can know that it comes around to you at 5 pm tomorrow. That way time is divided into chunks that are workable and fair... you can feel happiness with your compersion that they are together and you will have his undivided attention later, because a balance is created. Does that make sense?

I am not convinced that what you have is a triad really. It is in terms of relationship, but not romance. I don't hear of anything that makes me think you and her have an intimate relationship or sharing that doesn't involve him, yet she is involved with him in this way and so are you. Maybe redefining your relationship would help?

I am the hinge of a vee yet the two men that I live with are good friends and help each other out. When shit hits the fan in my life they work together to make things easier for me... one or the other gives up their time with me, looks after our child, takes care of mundane daily routine stuff. They get together and talk, support each other where I am concerned... we are a triad in relationship, but not romantically. Perhaps this is more fitting to what you are in your dynamic.

This really doesn't seem so much about your illness as perhaps you think... it seems to me like a matter of taking the situation, not feeling sorry and bad about it and getting on with organizing time and being radically honest about what is going on...

I wonder why they can't go to her house? Why does she always have to be around. Can't he go there for a few hours, come back and spend a few hours with you and then a few all together? That right there is nine hours of the day... anther three hours he could do something on his own while you and her spend time together. That is a whole day, 12 hours. Maybe planning it out this obviously for a time will shift things and make a natural balance occur.

In my day I spend the morning with my boy and PN until I go to work. In the afternoon after work I spend time with Mono, then I spend time just with my boy, then with the boy and PN, then some time with PN and then time with Mono. The whole day is purposely broken up into chunks of time... somewhere in there I spend time alone or with others... I spend work time connecting with Derby and Leo and often write on here. Such is the nature of my job, luckily...

I hope this has helped. Its a bit scattered. Take it for what it's worth
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  #33  
Old 01-31-2011, 07:53 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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So the gf says she wants a poly lifestyle.....where's her sense of compersion???? I'm not saying she wouldn't have some feelings of insecurity, but the idea is to work through them, not avoid discussing anything that triggers insecurity. I'm wondering if you're afraid to set a firm limit with your fiance? Are you afraid he might choose her over you if push came to shove? It sounds to me that your lovely wedding day isn't going to be so lovely if it can't be talked about.....shared....etc. Seems to me she can be given a choice of being around your place and dealing with the wedding planning going on with her there....or staying away more if it's so upsetting to her. I think your fiance needs to get a backbone on some of this, too, if he really does care about how it's affecting you. The gf can't make anything happen or not happen in the relationship unless your fiance goes along with it.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 01-31-2011 at 07:55 PM.
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  #34  
Old 01-31-2011, 08:04 PM
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some compersion all around would serve everyone well, but really that doesn't come, in my experience until everyone's needs are being met to the best of EVERYONE'S ability... I hope you get there!
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  #35  
Old 01-31-2011, 08:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by truckerpete View Post
... But not even able to talk about it in front of her? That smacks of cowgirl to me.
^^^^
this!
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  #36  
Old 02-01-2011, 03:14 AM
koifish koifish is offline
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I think what we have is working towards a triad. I felt so alienated from the situation for so long that it was difficult to feel at all romantically towards her. She was just part of this thing that made me totally miserable.

We have resolved many of our issues with talking, and accordingly I've felt more relaxed and have gotten closer to her. I liked her and now I'm starting to love her. And I'm really attracted to her too.

We tend to have sex together rather than in couples and it's generally very good.

So there's that.

We are pussyfooters extraordinaire. My fiance is a very empathic person and happened to grow up in a culture where there was a lot of care-taking going on and not much outward conflict permitted. So he's good at reading people and good at soothing people. But he likes things smooth. So we have this open ended semi-moratorium on speaking about the wedding in front of GF.

I asked him how long this will continue and he says that she feeling sensitive about it right now and we should avoid mentioning it around her. The thing is that I don't remember her ever not being sensitive about it and I don't see some sort of defined trajectory for her becoming less sensitive.

This sort of drives me nuts. My inclination is to talk to her about it and explain that we've been not talking to her about it and that it is not working for me and we need to address her fears in a different way. Fiance wants me to check with him before I talk to her about it.

We have assured her that our marriage means nothing with respect to how we feel about her or the place she holds in our lives. She has trouble with the fact that it means my fiance and I are a COUPLE. She doesn't want to see this evidence, I think, that my fiance and I are so very bound up in one another. But this is blinders. We simply are bound up, the two of us. We are just getting up in front of everyone and saying so.

She is afraid we will leave her and so to some degree we all pretend that each of us has equal status in the relationship. How do all the secondaries out there do it? How are they okay with not being primary? Again, we treat her well and she is dear to us. We try to attend to all her needs and include her as much as we can. But my fiance and I have know each other for half our lives, we fell in love and decided that we wanted to always be together prior to even meeting her.

I hate pussyfooting. Pussyfooting got me 3 months of a virtual stranger sleeping in my fiance's bed 5 days a week.

While fiance is steady and uber-sensitive to everyone's needs, GF and I are a bit of a handful. We were both abused as kids by our mothers. We both have trouble trusting people (working on it!) and tend to withdraw when things feel emotionally dangerous. When gf has needs that aren't being met, she tends to freak out, and conclude that her needs are not possibly going to be met (maybe because mom didn't meet them), and that she has to withdraw and squish down the feeling of needing something to try to feel normal (and perhaps loveable?) again.

I assume she must also have fears of abandonment because she's so very afraid of investing in our collective relationship because we might leave her.
So we are hiding this thing that signifies to her that she is on the outside and might get left.

We have had not very good times some times because of her issues and mine and fiance wanting to smooth things.
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  #37  
Old 02-01-2011, 04:10 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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It sounds like your fiancÚ needs to step out from between you and the gf so that you can develop your own relationship.
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  #38  
Old 02-01-2011, 06:21 AM
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I agree that the whole not wanting to see/hear anything about wedding business is a red flag. I can definitely empathize so I feel confident speaking on this subject. I became friends with O, who was engaged to A. O and I began dating a week before the wedding. We'd been interested in each other for awhile but I'd never done anything poly before. I helped a lot with wedding prep and then attended the festivities. It was challenging beginning while they were getting married. But I'm glad i was there for the wedding. It was hard in some ways but it told me a lot about them and was an important day for them. I wasn't always sure where to fit in but I did my best to be helpful and figure out a way. I think it is unrealistic to come into an existing relationship and demand primary status. It doesn't mean the existing relationship is superior, it's just been around longer. I can sympathize with her feelings about the wedding but that's what happens when you're with a couple. Especially an engaged one.
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  #39  
Old 02-01-2011, 06:45 AM
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In regards to how secondaries deal? I suggest doing a tag search and finding out. Generally the term secondary goes by the way side as hierarchies don't seem to have a good shelf life in a poly lifestyle, at least from what I have known anyway.
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