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Old 06-20-2010, 05:02 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Default Having the strength to do what’s right

I often wonder if people in general have the strength to do what is right despite the initial pain it will cause.

I was lying in bed beside Redpepper this morning struggling with the idea that I am holding her back from other relationships with men. We have a good friend who she met at the same time as me. I sidetracked the development of their relationship, not intentionally but through the evolution of our own. She loves him and has recently been quite honest that if it wasn’t for me they probably would be sexual. He is lovingly referred to as her non-sexual boyfriend and they have dates once a month for movies or drinks. He is also part of a family that we all go camping with and enjoy each other’s company. If there was anyone in her life that I felt would treat her with the respect and true feeling that she deserves and requires it is he. If I could pick some one to actually replace my love in her life it would again be him. But that is not the issue. I do not worry about being replaced, as is the fear of some, because Redpepper’s love is unwavering and seemingly timeless for those she has invested in. That is not the issue.

The issue is I have no control over what happens to my energy and connection. Before anyone says, “sure you do” well my response to that is that it would be equal to having total control over whom you love (if that was the case why are so many people in pain over the love their partner’s have for others on here?). We all know, especially in the world of poly it doesn’t work that way. Some things just happen. If I experience something that threatens my connection with Redpepper I feel my energy withdrawal in a negative manner, it pools and becomes focussed for destructive purposes. I have talked about this in other threads, the eyes sinking, my face hurting, etc, etc. In these moments I just want to end it all, walk away and be done with it. We have worked through these moments before. But this is not what I felt this morning as she was sleeping next to me.

There is something different that happens to my connection when I am confronted with something that conflicts with my healthy expression of love for her; such as this recent knowledge of her interest in our friend. Instead of all my energy withdrawing and pooling I feel it dissipating: not all of it, the connection is still there but the portion that desires to express it sexually or intimately just goes away. In its wake is the healthy friendship expression of that connection. It is a painless phasing in and out between two forms of expression. My connection remains but the medium of expression simply shifts. I felt this, this morning. I was thinking about her holding back on the sexual side of her relationship with our friend and I felt my intimate connection dissolve in the air around us. She woke up in an amorous mood but I made excuses and tried to avoid sex. Eventually I told her what I was thinking and the pain it causes me to think I am motivating her to deny the life she has worked so hard to achieve..one of open loving towards people of any gender….one that I cannot be a part of at least as I am now. I tell her all the time that I can change how I express my love for her to enable her freedom and in doing that can still be a healthy part of her family.

I do not fight for love and certainly not for the chance to have sex, never have, never will. If I have to fight for love I don’t believe it is really mine. Sex for the sake of physical release isn’t important to me. I will work to maintain a connection, but I won’t make myself unhealthy in the process. I’ve been unhealthy in the past due to connection issues and it lead to disaster. I would step aside in a heart beat if she asked me to and I would prefer she ask me to do that rather than accept another man into our lives sexually…that’s just being honest and is not meant to sound cruel or uncaring or a cop out. My health as an individual is the only thing I put above her needs. Everything and everyone else comes secondary, as she is the one person who has stood by me and offered me love when every one else turned their back on me.

So after we talked, and I was again trusting that I was worth it for her for now, my intimate connection returned and we “communicated” sexually and very intimately.

One of the things that I have to look out for is making any decisions based on what I think she and her husband really want/need to be healthy. My presence affects more than her. It affects what they as a couple can experience as well. There are times where I run through speeches where I sit them down and tell them I have to change the expression of my love, to become family and best friends as opposed to lover. Why…because I project the belief that it is what they truly need to live the way they find fulfilling. It is not what any of us want right now but the thoughts linger for me. The recent knowledge of how deeply she cares for our friend has brought these thoughts to the forefront, made me reflect on many things, and so we get to deal with them and ensure that I trust in their words. Left to my own devices and perceptions I probably would not be here now. I wouldn’t be on this forum, or a social presence in our community. I would be their dear friend and an uncle figure to their son.

Why did I pick the title for this thread? Because I trust that Redpepper and Polynerdist will have the strength to tell me what they need to be happy no matter what the impact. I also need to trust in what they say and do what is right base on that and not my wandering thoughts.

We all need strength and will feel pain in life. I’ve brought a world of it to myself and people I love dearly in my past. But we get through it. Be strong and be true to yourselves. That is all I want.

Peace and Love
Mono
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 06-20-2010 at 05:35 AM.
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Old 06-20-2010, 02:10 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Well written mono. And a great synopsis on how you process through any challenge. Thanks for sharing

Ari
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Old 06-20-2010, 02:17 PM
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You're welcome my friend.
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Old 06-21-2010, 01:32 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
the connection is still there but the portion that desires to express it sexually or intimately just goes away. In its wake is the healthy friendship expression of that connection. It is a painless phasing in and out between two forms of expression. My connection remains but the medium of expression simply shifts.
Thanks for sharing Mono! I have experienced this "phasing in and out between two forms of expression". It reminds me that the human psyche is an incredible force which is constantly making subtle (and not so suble) adjustments whether we realize it or not. These adjustments assist us in navigating our way through relationships and life in general.
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Old 06-21-2010, 05:56 AM
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These adjustments assist us in navigating our way through relationships and life in general.
Nice
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Old 06-21-2010, 05:58 AM
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I think it's important to realize that when you look at your partner and wonder why they are holding you back, sometimes it's not because they don't want to lose you....it's because they don't want you to lose them.
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Old 06-21-2010, 07:25 AM
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Well, I seem to have bumped into this and didn't know it was here.

I want you to remember my love that I don't feel in any way that I am "missing out" other than my wondering what it would be like to have an intimate friendship with him. When I think about the situation and the changes it would bring if our friend were closer to me, I don't feel it would add to what we already have. At lease what I already have with him. I am positive that it would add something for him, but if I began a sexual relationship with him, because he would benefit, then I would be going back to what I used to do in the past... have sex just because someone asked me to.

You are right, he is a loving and caring man towards me and our family. If we began to be sexual he would certainly be someone who would be everything that I require in a partner, but he is everything I require as is.

The dread I feel when I look into your eyes and feel you shrink from me is unbearable to me. I would not give up our closeness for my curiosity and to make someone feel fulfilled. I just wouldn't, it isn't worth it. End of story.
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Old 06-21-2010, 02:38 PM
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End of story.
Letting it go Lilo, but not forgetting the compromises you and Polynerdist make. They are always on my mind, nothing is taken for granted.
I love you
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Old 02-01-2011, 06:12 AM
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Default Who would have thought

I must admit I don't like re-visiting this post but here I am. I feel something a little different this time though...something I didn't expect to feel with any intensity ever again. Loss. Not the loss of anything given to me..but in my ability to give of myself. I'm working through it, there is a tremendous conflict in me but as always I trust in the words of the people I love. Doing what is right is listening to those I trust more than anything.

This is not easy. I don't think it ever will be. Things have changed, we are looking inward as well as outward. We always support each other.
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Old 02-01-2011, 08:06 PM
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Hugs.
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