Reintroduction to the wild
I've decided to reintroduce myself, since I came along here a couple of years ago, but then had to bail out to Sort Out My Life™ (and therefore put my relationship to relationships on hold) for a while.
<labels alert>Late 40's, male (physically), ambisex by psyche, it would seem, and bisexual by orientation.</labels alert>
Since I was 11, I've been having dreams about being part of an MFM triple (as Samuel Delany calls them - I've never been fond of the term 'triad', which makes me think of cocaine barons). In fact, reading Delany's Babel-17 in my teens was what brought those dreams into waking consciousness.
I've never acted on that desire, but then I've been busy making enough sense of a gender/sexuality/psyche influenced in part by sexual abuse from both my parents (independently of each other) and influenced in part by a culture with condemnatory attitudes towards anything not following the unambiguous unambivalent sharp-edged boy-meets-girl model.
And now I'm ready to live my own life, for a change (having spent 20 years hiding from myself to some extent behind a Buddhist group - which I'm still part of, but no longer seeking approval from), so I'm moving to Devon (because the south west of England is where I feel most at home) to get on with weaving and drumming and singing, to make new friends, and to start to explore the possibility of finding a man and a woman to be involved with.
As far as those slippery label things are concerned, I find I'm more inclined to polyfidelity than polyamory - because the definition of polyfidelity fits better what I'm looking for, which is to be part of a committed triple who are all primaries to each other and sexually exclusive as a group (a three-way handfasting!). But that's just my ideal, and I've no idea what's going to actually happen along the way as I meet actual people. So I'll be happy with one - but happier with two. And I'll enjoy the journey, which is sure to be a white-water experience for at least parts of it. And meanwhile, happy with myself, as that's the first port of call on my itinerary, and somewhere I hadn't really visited before now.
Actually, a poem I wrote years ago keeps cropping up at the moment, so here it be:
So there’s the great ocean there
And one day, you glance out
Out beyond the land
And you know something bad is coming
Gulls start from the waters, yarring
Bubbles and things rise, float
Stillish seas no longer still
Disturbed sun shatters in sparkles
Long ago foretold, long feared
Rising from the very roots
Finally you glimpse it
Dark vast shape surging
Inescapable through the depths
The ocean dances and bows to it
And it breaks through the surface
And it looks at you
And looking into its eyes
You see your scared reflection
And then with fine cloth, and your warm breath
You gently begin to polish it