How to bring it up?

[learner]

My husband and I have agreed to try something that falls probably somewhere in between swinging and polyamory - basically neither of us wants to have anonymous or casual encounters, but I don't think either of us intends to fall in love with anyone else either, although we haven't ruled out the possibility of this happening. We've talked and talked about it and discussed every possibility, and we've decided not to make any hard and fast rules except not to hurt each other, or at least to do our best not to.

We both live in the area in which we grew up, where everybody knows everybody and everyone's business. We also have 3 kids, and we really want to try to be as discreet as possible, especially having witnessed a few of our more open minded friends' reactions when we have discussed this with them, we dread to think what the reactions of the less open minded ones would be!

We've started going out more and meeting more people, and there are a few people who have become quite good friends recently who have shown an interest. However, these people are at least on the periphery of our social circle, and we're both finding it very hard to work out how to broach the subject and potentially have a relationship with these people without raising eyebrows. Does anyone have any advice to offer?

[River]

Originally Posted by learner

My husband and I have agreed to try something that falls probably somewhere in between swinging and polyamory

Many or most things involve some grey area between this and that, some blending and intermixing. But I don't think this is so with regard to swinging and polyamory. These are apples and oranges. The gap between them is far too tight to slip a butter knife in. One is either pregnant or not; the light switch is either off or on; you've either won the lottery or you have not....

Polyamory is about loving, and you really can't control love--, to be sure that it stays at a constant level "somewhere between swinging (not about love) and polyamory (all about love)."

Originally Posted by learner

However, these people are at least on the periphery of our social circle, and we're both finding it very hard to work out how to broach the subject and potentially have a relationship with these people without raising eyebrows. Does anyone have any advice to offer?

Start with friendship that builds trust. Once trust is established, there should be no problem. There's no need to rush in.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by learner

However, these people are at least on the periphery of our social circle, and we're both finding it very hard to work out how to broach the subject and potentially have a relationship with these people without raising eyebrows. Does anyone have any advice to offer?

I think you are referring to the very different social, possibly political and maybe even spiritual views of the poly friends you have.

This is not new to me. I am from a very different background from most of my poly friends and certainly from a different political/spiritual background than Redpepper. Would I be fair in saying that these friends would stand out in their physical appearance as well? Most of my poly friends would stand out in my old social circle and in fact would probably not blend well. It is almost two ends of a political and economical scale. Certainly priorities are different.

I have essentially lost most of my old "traditional" social circle. Luckily I don't feel "friendship" in the same way as Redpepper or I would probably be crushed.

There are two influences in any relationship structure:
Internal - those from within that require fundamental agreement between those involved, and
External - those that are exerted by family, friends, and society.

The question is:
“Is what you are looking for internally worth the affects it will have on you externally?”

For me it is 100 % worth it!!
I am an individual and can only speak for myself. You will have to find the answers for yourself in this.

Best of luck and welcome to the forums

[learner]

Well, I did say that we hadn't ruled out the possibility of falling in love, but I would also have thought that it's possible to love in different ways and with different intensities - the love I have for my closest friends for example is different to the love I have for my husband - I don't expect to ever love anyone in the way I love him.

However, the main difficulty we have is that there is almost no social circle outside of ours - the area we live in is like one big community which is lovely in some ways but very difficult if you intend to behave outside of society's norms, which from the response we have had so far, we would be - I just find it so hard to believe that when there is honesty and trust in a relationship whilst giving enough freedom to enjoy the company of others, it is regarded as almost as much of a taboo as cheating (comments I've had so far include 'well why did you bother getting married in the first place?' etc. and these are from the more open minded people we know!)

[XYZ123]

In many cases, polyamory is even MORE taboo than cheating. I could never understand that either.

[River]

Originally Posted by learner

I just find it so hard to believe that when there is honesty and trust in a relationship whilst giving enough freedom to enjoy the company of others, it is regarded as almost as much of a taboo as cheating (comments I've had so far include 'well why did you bother getting married in the first place?' etc. and these are from the more open minded people we know!)

People who are happy, loving, loved... and free... are often resented by people who are not.

That, and most folks don't have an imagination all their own. Their minds are off-the-shelf models, and these folks often resent people who own their own minds and imaginations.

[Mark1npt]

Very true words, James....very true.