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  #21  
Old 08-27-2009, 07:03 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Your best gift to those you love is your own happiness.
I can attest to the fact of this. My husband, Cajun, and I have the same libido problem. Mine is terrible and he's always ready to go. When Elric and I started talking after all these years, my happiness was visibly altered. People actually commented about how much happier I seemed lately and my libido soared...which I shared with my HUSBAND. Ok, so Elric is 400 miles away, but just the happiness that I felt and feel now that we are starting to get our friendship back on track has helped me with my mood which in turn helps my libido which in turn make Cajun very happy.

Happiness = better libido = more sex = more happiness...it's a nice little circle.

*edit* I would also like to add that Cajun and I spend about 90-95% of our free time together. I hate when he has to go out of town for work, which luckily is very rarely. I used to try to encourage him to do things on his own and I would try to do things on my own as I don't want to increase my slight co-dependency problems (part of my anxiety issues) but we still end up doing most things together.
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Last edited by vandalin; 08-27-2009 at 07:10 PM.
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  #22  
Old 08-27-2009, 07:24 PM
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That's all true. About the libido typically being better with happiness (as well as overall health). [Want really good sex? Eat well, exercise, stop smoking, and don't drink too much! -- in other words, get healthy.]

But there's also the fact that people who want to be happy very much prefer to be around other people who also want to be happy and who are happy (or at least willing to give it a try). It's much easier to be happy while around happy people. Being happy around miserable people is for saints!
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  #23  
Old 08-27-2009, 08:51 PM
AJbear77 AJbear77 is offline
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JRiver - did you ever know that you're my hero...you are everything I wish I could be Come on, you know the song!!
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  #24  
Old 08-27-2009, 08:55 PM
AJbear77 AJbear77 is offline
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Default Thanks Mono

I feel schizo lately with this. I think overall I am getting better, though. I can imagine you must have difficulties as well. While you very much love and respect those in your life, I can imagine it is still a tough position with your ideals and such. Your love seems strong enough to transcend those ideals, but I still imagine it is tough. So much growth, so much growth. Good for you
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  #25  
Old 08-27-2009, 09:16 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by AJbear77 View Post
I feel schizo lately with this. I think overall I am getting better, though. I can imagine you must have difficulties as well. While you very much love and respect those in your life, I can imagine it is still a tough position with your ideals and such. Your love seems strong enough to transcend those ideals, but I still imagine it is tough. So much growth, so much growth. Good for you
I became extremely torn when I fell in love with Redpepper. We fought for what we have now which required months of intense sharing, communication and heated arguments. We almost lost each other too which was horrible.

Today I have no issues with our relationship or the people in it....none. This seems completely normal and comfortable to me. This was only possible because we both clearly identified what we needed to be healthy and true to ourselves. We trust each other and want a future together involving all our chosen family.

I think we are rare in some ways. We certainly are lucky considering our different natures and backgrounds. Our love is total. Without that, I wouldn't be here at all and we would be friends but not intimate friends.
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  #26  
Old 09-01-2009, 02:20 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Default A little late,

But Hello, and welcome to the forum.
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  #27  
Old 09-04-2009, 08:52 PM
learner learner is offline
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My husband and I have agreed to try something that falls probably somewhere in between swinging and polyamory - basically neither of us wants to have anonymous or casual encounters, but I don't think either of us intends to fall in love with anyone else either, although we haven't ruled out the possibility of this happening. We've talked and talked about it and discussed every possibility, and we've decided not to make any hard and fast rules except not to hurt each other, or at least to do our best not to.

We both live in the area in which we grew up, where everybody knows everybody and everyone's business. We also have 3 kids, and we really want to try to be as discreet as possible, especially having witnessed a few of our more open minded friends' reactions when we have discussed this with them, we dread to think what the reactions of the less open minded ones would be!

We've started going out more and meeting more people, and there are a few people who have become quite good friends recently who have shown an interest. However, these people are at least on the periphery of our social circle, and we're both finding it very hard to work out how to broach the subject and potentially have a relationship with these people without raising eyebrows. Does anyone have any advice to offer?
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  #28  
Old 09-05-2009, 05:22 PM
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My husband and I have agreed to try something that falls probably somewhere in between swinging and polyamory
Many or most things involve some grey area between this and that, some blending and intermixing. But I don't think this is so with regard to swinging and polyamory. These are apples and oranges. The gap between them is far too tight to slip a butter knife in. One is either pregnant or not; the light switch is either off or on; you've either won the lottery or you have not....

Polyamory is about loving, and you really can't control love--, to be sure that it stays at a constant level "somewhere between swinging (not about love) and polyamory (all about love)."

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Originally Posted by learner View Post
However, these people are at least on the periphery of our social circle, and we're both finding it very hard to work out how to broach the subject and potentially have a relationship with these people without raising eyebrows. Does anyone have any advice to offer?
Start with friendship that builds trust. Once trust is established, there should be no problem. There's no need to rush in.
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  #29  
Old 09-05-2009, 09:13 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by learner View Post
However, these people are at least on the periphery of our social circle, and we're both finding it very hard to work out how to broach the subject and potentially have a relationship with these people without raising eyebrows. Does anyone have any advice to offer?
I think you are referring to the very different social, possibly political and maybe even spiritual views of the poly friends you have.

This is not new to me. I am from a very different background from most of my poly friends and certainly from a different political/spiritual background than Redpepper. Would I be fair in saying that these friends would stand out in their physical appearance as well? Most of my poly friends would stand out in my old social circle and in fact would probably not blend well. It is almost two ends of a political and economical scale. Certainly priorities are different.

I have essentially lost most of my old "traditional" social circle. Luckily I don't feel "friendship" in the same way as Redpepper or I would probably be crushed.

There are two influences in any relationship structure:
Internal - those from within that require fundamental agreement between those involved, and
External - those that are exerted by family, friends, and society.

The question is:
“Is what you are looking for internally worth the affects it will have on you externally?”

For me it is 100 % worth it!!
I am an individual and can only speak for myself. You will have to find the answers for yourself in this.

Best of luck and welcome to the forums
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  #30  
Old 09-07-2009, 08:14 PM
learner learner is offline
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Well, I did say that we hadn't ruled out the possibility of falling in love, but I would also have thought that it's possible to love in different ways and with different intensities - the love I have for my closest friends for example is different to the love I have for my husband - I don't expect to ever love anyone in the way I love him.

However, the main difficulty we have is that there is almost no social circle outside of ours - the area we live in is like one big community which is lovely in some ways but very difficult if you intend to behave outside of society's norms, which from the response we have had so far, we would be - I just find it so hard to believe that when there is honesty and trust in a relationship whilst giving enough freedom to enjoy the company of others, it is regarded as almost as much of a taboo as cheating (comments I've had so far include 'well why did you bother getting married in the first place?' etc. and these are from the more open minded people we know!)
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coming out, coming out poly, communication, dating, disclosure, help sought, ldr, long distance love, new and confused, new to poly

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