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  #11  
Old 01-27-2011, 01:24 AM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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PolyMatchmaker might be another venue to try as it is specifically about poly people. And even mono single people take forever to find a match, so it is about patience! My husband and I are having similar experiences in frustration, though he is more of a swinger, and I am more poly oriented.
Warning! your comment really hit a nerve with me. So I warn you of the long post!

I know this is not really related to the original reason for my post -hopefully the Admins won't smite me- but how does that work for you, having a husband with a slightly different slant on poly? I ask because I am in a similar situation. Jazz, my man, has a very BDSM oriented mindset towards relationships. I have grown into more of -I'm not sure of the real term- a free love mentality. We met when I was really young, 19. The thought of being dominated was very exciting to me. He always told me he needed a submissive. I felt in my heart that I could not always be submissive, but I was young and unable to communicate that because I was afraid of loosing him. Well, needless to say all of this left unsaid created some friction, mostly just a disconnect between the two of us. Instead of legitimizing his feeling of loss when I no longer felt, or acted submissive all the time, I made him feel judged. I don't think I completely appreciated his need for a sub. I think I projected myself on to him, and wondered why he couldn't be more flexible and exploratory.

Now years have passed and I only now understand why we have been feeling so disconnected for the past couple of years. We've been loving to one another but the intense spark we once had was fading -and only recently has been coming back-I understand now that I was immature when we first met, unsure of who I really was. Now I understand who I am, and I am comfortable with it. I enjoy the submissive role. I also enjoy the dominant role. I enjoy a lot of things! I am an exploring kind of person, attracted to new experiences. Joe is the same way, except that he really has this expressed need to be a Dom, and I don't completely fill his need. I've known this for a while, and instead of legitimizing this, I tried to make him feel bad. I miss the D/s connection that we had, and I worry that it is perilously damaged due to my being judgmental for so long. The good thing is that through this all he has been patient, and tried to make me happy by not exploring his D/s needs. Needless to say, this has not made either of us being happy.

We've talked about all of this recently, and he still can't believe that I won't jugde him anymore. He is still hesitant to talk to me. I think I have traumatized him a little bit! Long story short, is we have different needs, which make us have different ideas about poly. We are now supportive of each others conceptions, though I worry that we will never find anyone who can fit with us, who can meet both of our needs. One of our few boundaries is that we be in a relationship together. We would never want me to be in a relationship that he wasn't involved in, and vice versa.


So, here is my question-and I completely understand if you did not make it this far-Have you had any difficulty related to your different viewpoints on relationships?
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  #12  
Old 01-27-2011, 02:31 AM
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In my experience the best place to meet like minded people is at poly functions. They seem to yield a very diverse amount of people and I often find people that I relate to.

If there isn't a group near you then start one... even if its just out of those you meet on OKcupid getting together for coffee because you have noticed that they have "polyamorous" tagged in their profile. I'm a big fan of creating what I am missing in life. I wanted to meet with women to talk about my relationship, so I started a women's group. This past Christmas I decided it would be fun to go bowling so I planned an event for the poly community here and invited everyone. I like to dance and planned a poly night out to go dancing... just plan stuff and people will show up if you make it open enough and don't be exclusive... that has been the best way to meet those in my life now. Well Derby actually... Mono I met on plenty-of-fish and Leo there too. The rest of the community I met on OKcupid.
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  #13  
Old 01-27-2011, 03:00 AM
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Well Derby actually... Mono I met on plenty-of-fish and Leo there too. The rest of the community I met on OKcupid.
Are you insinuating that I'm sane?
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  #14  
Old 01-27-2011, 03:02 AM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
In my experience the best place to meet like minded people is at poly functions. They seem to yield a very diverse amount of people and I often find people that I relate to.

If there isn't a group near you then start one... even if its just out of those you meet on OKcupid getting together for coffee because you have noticed that they have "polyamorous" tagged in their profile. I'm a big fan of creating what I am missing in life. I wanted to meet with women to talk about my relationship, so I started a women's group. This past Christmas I decided it would be fun to go bowling so I planned an event for the poly community here and invited everyone. I like to dance and planned a poly night out to go dancing... just plan stuff and people will show up if you make it open enough and don't be exclusive... that has been the best way to meet those in my life now. Well Derby actually... Mono I met on plenty-of-fish and Leo there too. The rest of the community I met on OKcupid.
This is really great advice, something I didn't think to do! Thanks!
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  #15  
Old 01-27-2011, 06:35 AM
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Someone said I should try "fetlife.com" too... im looking into it, it seems to encompass all fetishes & alternative lifestyles. It would be nice if there were some more "meet & greets" maybe we could organize something...
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  #16  
Old 01-27-2011, 05:38 PM
Athena Athena is offline
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Originally Posted by polycouple View Post
Warning! your comment really hit a nerve with me. So I warn you of the long post!

I know this is not really related to the original reason for my post -hopefully the Admins won't smite me- but how does that work for you, having a husband with a slightly different slant on poly? I ask because I am in a similar situation. Jazz, my man, has a very BDSM oriented mindset towards relationships. I have grown into more of -I'm not sure of the real term- a free love mentality. We met when I was really young, 19. The thought of being dominated was very exciting to me. He always told me he needed a submissive. I felt in my heart that I could not always be submissive, but I was young and unable to communicate that because I was afraid of loosing him. Well, needless to say all of this left unsaid created some friction, mostly just a disconnect between the two of us. Instead of legitimizing his feeling of loss when I no longer felt, or acted submissive all the time, I made him feel judged. I don't think I completely appreciated his need for a sub. I think I projected myself on to him, and wondered why he couldn't be more flexible and exploratory.

Now years have passed and I only now understand why we have been feeling so disconnected for the past couple of years. We've been loving to one another but the intense spark we once had was fading -and only recently has been coming back-I understand now that I was immature when we first met, unsure of who I really was. Now I understand who I am, and I am comfortable with it. I enjoy the submissive role. I also enjoy the dominant role. I enjoy a lot of things! I am an exploring kind of person, attracted to new experiences. Joe is the same way, except that he really has this expressed need to be a Dom, and I don't completely fill his need. I've known this for a while, and instead of legitimizing this, I tried to make him feel bad. I miss the D/s connection that we had, and I worry that it is perilously damaged due to my being judgmental for so long. The good thing is that through this all he has been patient, and tried to make me happy by not exploring his D/s needs. Needless to say, this has not made either of us being happy.

We've talked about all of this recently, and he still can't believe that I won't jugde him anymore. He is still hesitant to talk to me. I think I have traumatized him a little bit! Long story short, is we have different needs, which make us have different ideas about poly. We are now supportive of each others conceptions, though I worry that we will never find anyone who can fit with us, who can meet both of our needs. One of our few boundaries is that we be in a relationship together. We would never want me to be in a relationship that he wasn't involved in, and vice versa.


So, here is my question-and I completely understand if you did not make it this far-Have you had any difficulty related to your different viewpoints on relationships?
It took us a long time to agree on boundaries, and what would make us feel hurt or not. My husband emotionally just wants to be bonded to me, and therefore to always be my primary attachment, but he wants sexual variety and to try some things he just is pretty sure are not so much to my relatively vanilla taste. I enjoy sex, but am fairly vanilla about it, and like to feel at least a deep friendship with some one to want to start physical contact, which makes me more poly and him more swinging. My husband fears drama if I start up with some one single, so I have agreed with him that I will date members of couples (or both in a couple depending on the situation). It took a lot of talking, and we even used a professional therapist to deal with some issues. I don't know if that helps you because the exact issue is a bit different, but mostly I think even with your issue it is showing each other respect, talking openly and doing small affectionate things for each other which may or may not involve sexual acts.

Hope that helps!
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  #17  
Old 01-27-2011, 09:06 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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Originally Posted by Athena View Post
It took us a long time to agree on boundaries, and what would make us feel hurt or not. My husband emotionally just wants to be bonded to me, and therefore to always be my primary attachment, but he wants sexual variety and to try some things he just is pretty sure are not so much to my relatively vanilla taste. I enjoy sex, but am fairly vanilla about it, and like to feel at least a deep friendship with some one to want to start physical contact, which makes me more poly and him more swinging. My husband fears drama if I start up with some one single, so I have agreed with him that I will date members of couples (or both in a couple depending on the situation). It took a lot of talking, and we even used a professional therapist to deal with some issues. I don't know if that helps you because the exact issue is a bit different, but mostly I think even with your issue it is showing each other respect, talking openly and doing small affectionate things for each other which may or may not involve sexual acts.

Hope that helps!
Thanks, it helps to know that it was difficult, but you worked it out! We have been doing a lot more open and honest communication recently, which has helped a lot.
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  #18  
Old 01-30-2011, 05:13 AM
preciselove preciselove is offline
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I posted somewhere on my introduction about this. I think a fast growing segment of polyamory is of the polyfi type, people expanding their relationship to include more people, but in a closed format. A lot of mono people can understand this, due to the economic, time, and fun reasons.

These people run into the "open poly" people that can sometimes be very weird (not that it's wrong to be weird). I just think when you're trying to meet people like you it's not necesarily the best way to find people simply by the whole "I'm poly, you are too, hence we should be friends". Poly is way too broad for that. My advice is to find people that you like, regardless of their "sexual or relationship orientation" and "convert them", if they are open to it, to your values. There are many logical paths to take for such a thing and most intelligent people are responsive to it, they just need someone to educate them.
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  #19  
Old 01-30-2011, 03:05 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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Originally Posted by preciselove View Post
I posted somewhere on my introduction about this. I think a fast growing segment of polyamory is of the polyfi type, people expanding their relationship to include more people, but in a closed format. A lot of mono people can understand this, due to the economic, time, and fun reasons.

These people run into the "open poly" people that can sometimes be very weird (not that it's wrong to be weird). I just think when you're trying to meet people like you it's not necesarily the best way to find people simply by the whole "I'm poly, you are too, hence we should be friends". Poly is way too broad for that. My advice is to find people that you like, regardless of their "sexual or relationship orientation" and "convert them", if they are open to it, to your values. There are many logical paths to take for such a thing and most intelligent people are responsive to it, they just need someone to educate them.
Hi Preciselove! Thank you for the thoughtful response. I know there is so much diversity in the realm of poly, and it is hard to define for oneself where to fit in, and even more difficult to verbalize that to others sometimes. I think I have failed to represent my take on poly, because Jazz and I are not "open poly." We in fact want to be in only "closed relationships," where all people involved are committed to being only with those in the relationship. Now that I think about it, that is not free love. SO, I will stop using that term in reference to my brand of poly. Jazz and I agree on being in "closed relationships". Where we differ is in the dynamic of the relationship. He has a BDSM mentality, and wants to bring in only submissive (though I have recently learned he is flexible with this). I, on the other hand have a connection to BDSM only as something that is sexually exciting, but does not typically leave the bedroom unless when the BDSM-scenerios/roleplay takes us out of the bedroom (the most fun ones do ). I hope that makes sense! So he wants a submissive in a relationship, where as I would rather view my loves as equals. It's all very confusing sometimes!

One thing, I think you are right about is, that we may seem weird but we are just just two thinking, open minded folks, trying to see how we can live a fulfilling life by our own rules, not society's mandates.

Rambled a little bit there! woops!
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