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  #11  
Old 01-26-2011, 03:25 PM
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
I've been knocking around on the forum for a bit now and would like folk's thoughts on ethical friends with benefits relationships.

By friends with benefits, I mean relationships that are not meant to be primary bonds.

Here's the background - always helpful to know! As you know, Beloved is my wife; Pool Boy is her male lover. I've recently started seeing SW, the friend with benefits in question.
Hi opalescent. Nice name. I'm going to comment, and so you know, I am a 55 year old pansexual woman, open to relationships with straight guys, lesbians, transgenders, genderqueers and bisexuals femme or butch, whether they have a cock or a cooch, or something in between down there.

I've got a primary who is a transwoman, and a secondary who is a young straight male. I also date others that pique my interest.

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I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with SW, and I've also enjoying exploring heterosexual sex with him. (I was a 'gold star' lesbian e - a term for a lesbian who has never had sex with a man. I've never liked that label, it was largely by accident of life experiences that I had not slept with a man before. Anyhoo, that's probably a whole other thread...)
Congrats on finally getting to try out the other side! Must be quite fun to explore around a male body/psyche for a change.

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Like others on the forum, I do not need to be in love to have sex with someone. (I have no problem with folks who feel otherwise but I know this to be true for myself.) I do need to like and respect them.
I'm the same way.

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I care about SW, I want him to be well, I want his other relationships to succeed (he has a primary girlfriend) and so on.

... I know that this relationship with SW is term-limited, at least our sexual relationship. I believe we will remain friends even after the sexual aspects is over. I don't know how long or even why that part of our relationship will end but I know that it will. Perhaps one of us will move, or he may want to try monogamy with his primary girlfriend, or some other scenario I haven't thought of yet. So how to handle the 'term limited' relationship? Anyone else been in a similar situation?
Yes, I am in a similar relationship. My boytoy, D, is 33 years younger than me. When we met he was a junior in college and working 30 hours a week at a pizza place. At finals and mid-terms times, he wouldnt communicate at all, and I respected and didn't question his need to focus on his work. Now, he's got his first real job (he's in finance) and works 9-5 and has seemed to have more time and energy for feeling more romantic and cuddly with me, besides the fantastic sex and nice talks we used to share. It's quite interesting. I never pushed him or had long drawn out talks about what our relationship means to him etc, because I sensed if I pushed him to feel more "boyfriendy" he'd withdraw. He hasn't sought out any other women besides me in 2 years (besides one short fling last summer that fell into his lap) because he knows he wouldn't be able to give a girl his age the attention a real gf deserves. I appreciated his ethics around this, and the sex and laughs we share are so precious to me, I've never pushed for more than he was able to comfortably give.

I know he now has a plan in place to continue working in NH for a couple years, then move on to Boston, NYC and ultimately the music biz in CA. So, yes, our relationship will change eventually, especially if/when he moves to NYC. Plus I also know there is always the potential he might meet a special girl and want to be mono with her. It wouldn't break my heart. I will treasure all the intense and fun times we did have together. I'm so grateful for being able to share time with him, I mostly just concentrate on the NOW.
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  #12  
Old 01-26-2011, 10:58 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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I have at least one that transcends all that, I just can't prove it; and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
It may not pass until the two of you are mouldering in the grave. Those are the really fun ones.
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  #13  
Old 01-26-2011, 11:24 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Magdlyn,

Can I be you when I grow up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I am a 55 year old pansexual woman, open to relationships with straight guys, lesbians, transgenders, genderqueers and bisexuals femme or butch, whether they have a cock or a cooch, or something in between down there.

Congrats on finally getting to try out the other side! Must be quite fun to explore around a male body/psyche for a change.

It wouldn't break my heart. I will treasure all the intense and fun times we did have together. I'm so grateful for being able to share time with him, I mostly just concentrate on the NOW.
It has been! Although I have to admit I expected sex with men to be more different than sex with women than it has turned out so far. Still it's all good

You and NYCindie both understood what I was ineptly trying to say - there is lots on this board on managing multiple love relationships - and it's super helpful - but not a lot on managing those less intense relationships. Thanks for teasing that out better than I managed to do.

I often have trouble staying in the NOW - something I'm working on. And this FWB relationship is good for that!
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  #14  
Old 01-27-2011, 02:17 AM
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I'm not sure what it is that is a concern... it seems all good to me. You have a friend and you get to have sex with them without complications of love and partnership... *meh* go for it and just enjoy. It will change when it changes and unless your feelings change before that time I don't see why you would have to even dwell on what you are doing.

Congrats on the new body to explore. I remember exploring PN after a 10 year break from men... There are just different ways for doing it, but it all ends up the same... the journey to orgasm or someone else's is just different. Each erotic and exciting and fun,,, just different.
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  #15  
Old 01-27-2011, 03:41 AM
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Magdlyn,

Can I be you when I grow up?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn
I am a 55 year old pansexual woman, open to relationships with straight guys, lesbians, transgenders, genderqueers and bisexuals femme or butch, whether they have a cock or a cooch, or something in between down there.
Mags does have a way with words, doesn't she?
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  #16  
Old 01-30-2011, 06:16 AM
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MaybeSparrow MaybeSparrow is offline
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I have a great fwb. We've been hanging out for over a year now, he's a great guy and we have good chemistry, but neither of us are willing to make the necessary concessions to mesh our lives together beyond one night a week or so. We had the talk confronting that this isn't a forever thing and it's not going to the next level, which was sad, but the sadness came from acknowledging that one day I'll lose something that has brought me a lot of happiness. I'm glad I didn't walk out of that conversation with a boyfriend. And I think that's how I know that we're doing right by each other.
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  #17  
Old 02-01-2011, 09:42 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by MaybeSparrow View Post
I have a great fwb. We had the talk confronting that this isn't a forever thing and it's not going to the next level, which was sad, but the sadness came from acknowledging that one day I'll lose something that has brought me a lot of happiness. I'm glad I didn't walk out of that conversation with a boyfriend. And I think that's how I know that we're doing right by each other.
I too will be sad when my FWB relationship becomes a 'mere' friendship for the same reasons you note - 'something that has brought me a lot of happiness'.
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  #18  
Old 02-02-2011, 12:22 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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hmmmm..I understand you see the FWB ending in mere friendship. But why does that have to end, or is it just in this case?

An FWB...can be something truly intimate and long term. Its range is pretty massive and its meaning can be pretty vague.

I read a lot, and take this as conjecture as I suck at fluidity...relationships can be very fluid, especially in poly. The slide in an out and move around the core context of love between people. I find it fascinating and an FWB can fit in there as well (obviously if there is love with an FWB...)

anyways, just my babbling and musing. I find it an interesting topic. Especially considering how many people have so many different definitions of what an FWB is.

I guess the short of it, in poly, why do you need to ever lose the FWB...unless of course the FWB is mono?

As for handling term limited relationships. Well, in my experience. I suck at them. I have a hard time entering into relationships when I can see an end. I end up focusing too much on the end and not having fun. In my case, I can learn,..I have before and I am not, but I am not sure I would care to enter into a term limited relationship. It is one of the few relationship styles I might just avoid haha..

to put that into perspective, I used to say the same about long distance too. Apparently I am not good at holding to my own rules anyways.
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  #19  
Old 02-02-2011, 03:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
hmmmm..I understand you see the FWB ending in mere friendship. But why does that have to end, or is it just in this case?
I suppose it's possible for a FWB arrangement to be long-term or lifelong. The one I'm currently involved in is the longest I've experienced. He's indicated to me that if he were in a Relationship, it would be mono (although he doesn't like being in Relationships and isn't seeking one out). That, and considering that our social circles and activities don't overlap well, even in the best of circumstances I don't really see us maintaining an active friendship after we stop having sex with each other, even if we do end it on good terms.
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  #20  
Old 02-02-2011, 04:08 AM
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I never see friendship as something to be called "mere."
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