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Old 01-26-2011, 03:25 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
I've been knocking around on the forum for a bit now and would like folk's thoughts on ethical friends with benefits relationships.

By friends with benefits, I mean relationships that are not meant to be primary bonds.

Here's the background - always helpful to know! As you know, Beloved is my wife; Pool Boy is her male lover. I've recently started seeing SW, the friend with benefits in question.
Hi opalescent. Nice name. I'm going to comment, and so you know, I am a 55 year old pansexual woman, open to relationships with straight guys, lesbians, transgenders, genderqueers and bisexuals femme or butch, whether they have a cock or a cooch, or something in between down there.

I've got a primary who is a transwoman, and a secondary who is a young straight male. I also date others that pique my interest.

I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with SW, and I've also enjoying exploring heterosexual sex with him. (I was a 'gold star' lesbian e - a term for a lesbian who has never had sex with a man. I've never liked that label, it was largely by accident of life experiences that I had not slept with a man before. Anyhoo, that's probably a whole other thread...)
Congrats on finally getting to try out the other side! Must be quite fun to explore around a male body/psyche for a change.

Like others on the forum, I do not need to be in love to have sex with someone. (I have no problem with folks who feel otherwise but I know this to be true for myself.) I do need to like and respect them.
I'm the same way.

I care about SW, I want him to be well, I want his other relationships to succeed (he has a primary girlfriend) and so on.

... I know that this relationship with SW is term-limited, at least our sexual relationship. I believe we will remain friends even after the sexual aspects is over. I don't know how long or even why that part of our relationship will end but I know that it will. Perhaps one of us will move, or he may want to try monogamy with his primary girlfriend, or some other scenario I haven't thought of yet. So how to handle the 'term limited' relationship? Anyone else been in a similar situation?
Yes, I am in a similar relationship. My boytoy, D, is 33 years younger than me. When we met he was a junior in college and working 30 hours a week at a pizza place. At finals and mid-terms times, he wouldnt communicate at all, and I respected and didn't question his need to focus on his work. Now, he's got his first real job (he's in finance) and works 9-5 and has seemed to have more time and energy for feeling more romantic and cuddly with me, besides the fantastic sex and nice talks we used to share. It's quite interesting. I never pushed him or had long drawn out talks about what our relationship means to him etc, because I sensed if I pushed him to feel more "boyfriendy" he'd withdraw. He hasn't sought out any other women besides me in 2 years (besides one short fling last summer that fell into his lap) because he knows he wouldn't be able to give a girl his age the attention a real gf deserves. I appreciated his ethics around this, and the sex and laughs we share are so precious to me, I've never pushed for more than he was able to comfortably give.

I know he now has a plan in place to continue working in NH for a couple years, then move on to Boston, NYC and ultimately the music biz in CA. So, yes, our relationship will change eventually, especially if/when he moves to NYC. Plus I also know there is always the potential he might meet a special girl and want to be mono with her. It wouldn't break my heart. I will treasure all the intense and fun times we did have together. I'm so grateful for being able to share time with him, I mostly just concentrate on the NOW.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags, F, 60, poly-dating, loving and living with
miss pixi, F, 38
Punk, 41, M
Old Friend, gender fluid
Nick, 35, M (occasional lover)
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casual sex, friends with benefits, fwb

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