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  #11  
Old 01-26-2011, 04:38 AM
sohuman sohuman is offline
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I read everything in a slow and careful manner so as to absorb. Thank you for the warm welcomes and thoughtful replies. I hope my husband reads it and sees that you guys are a cut above, because as you may have guessed, he's on the fence, and I am not.

You're probably right about us each having already met poly people but just not knowing, and about conversion being potentially obnoxious.

Good night, sweet polys. <3 <3
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  #12  
Old 01-26-2011, 04:49 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sohuman View Post
You're probably right about us each having already met poly people but just not knowing, and about conversion being potentially obnoxious.

Good night, sweet polys. <3 <3
I was 95% there on my own and just needed someone to tell me the word to get me over the line. Once I had the word...I read like mad..

Strangely enough, the person that gave me the word almost put me off...due to their style of poly being so radically different to what my research had given me (ie. too much deceipt)..

Eventually I worked out I was fine with poly, but I'd just develop my own way. And is was largely the people on this forum that helped me make the decision to reject the style I initially encountered and have the strength to develop my own.
In case I've not said thanks yet - THANKS !!
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  #13  
Old 01-29-2011, 07:55 PM
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MrRusty MrRusty is offline
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Quotes:
"I'm not certain that conversion is possible . . and . . In case I've not said thanks yet - THANKS !!"

From where I have been for 25 years I AM a convert - intellectually I had no idea it was possible to be so loving as to share your intimate friends.

So: meeting - albeit virtually - poly people has converted me from a reluctant mono to an enthusiastic poly.

By that token I'm a convert, intellectually, to where I have always been emotionally and spiritually. If I'd been approached by a poly woman years ago maybe I could've saved my close ones a lot of grief caused by me trying to be something I'm not.

I guess there is a parallel to being gay here - but if no-one else ever admits to it you just imagine there's something wrong with you. As soon as you meet others with the same predisposition, well, then you have - as I feel - found home at last.

So again, THANKS!

Rusty
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  #14  
Old 01-29-2011, 10:38 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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"Are we real"? Well...Define "real" please. I FEEL real....And if you ever get to Clearwater Florida, you can come here to meet my wife and I in person. We're actually kinda nice. (Unless you deserve a spanking! LOL )

How do we "identify" each other in the "wild"?....Well...I've often wondered this myself. But let me tell you a quick story: I was at work one day. A fairly new job, mind you. Onlyu been there for about 2 weeks or so. My wife and I are openly poly and have no issues with who might know. I mentioned to my supervisor that my wife had a date that night. He said "Oh, so you need off early or what?" I asked what for....He said "So you can go get ready." I told him nope. She's going with her boyfriend. He said "Oh yeah? So you guys are like that too huh? My wife and I have a girlfriend. In fact, if it wasn't for our kid, I think my wife would be an all out lesbian! haha." I was floored. I engaged in an open conversation about how l,ong they had been living like this, and how they came to meet their unicorn. He was very open with his information and asked me a lot of questions regarding my wife and I's dynamic as well. It was somewhat refreshing.

It has been my experience that as long as you aren't trying to shove it down someone else's throat, they are usually pretty receptive. (Unl;ess you live in the bible belt. LOL) Some have told me that's not for them, and I agree with them that it doesn't work for everyone, and that they probably shouldn't delve into it. Once you give them a beter definition of "Polyamoroy" and "polygamy" and "swinger".....They usually calm down a bit and get inquisitive. It also helps to let them know that you're not trying to "hook up" with them. LOL

My advise? Be open and honest about what you are looking for. Go into relationships as you would normally. When someone asks about your significant other and how that works, explain to them that you SO is fine with it, and if they would like to verify, they would be happy to meet and give the ok.

A word of warning: Single guys are usually not looking for this dynamic. Usually, they are simply looking to get laid. If that works for you, then great. But if you want a deeper connection....Well, proceed with caution.
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  #15  
Old 01-30-2011, 12:28 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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"Conversion" is certainly possible.
Probably not for everyone, no (and that is fine!!)

The whole basis of change within society is that people begin to feel differently as ideas and knowledge and exploration comes to them.

People convert their religions, which is a fundamental value system for some people.
People become vegetarian.
People change who they vote for based on their changing beliefs and values.
Economic systems change when people believe there are alternatives.

Human beings are capable of significant, ongoing and phenomenal transformation. A fact that never ceases to amaze me !
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  #16  
Old 01-30-2011, 09:33 PM
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yoxi yoxi is offline
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Liking "feelin the amory" - makes me think of: smoothing the bumpy surface of life with amory paper!
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  #17  
Old 01-30-2011, 10:56 PM
stclare stclare is offline
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Hi! Your questions echo ones I've had at times. I was mono for years--in theory. But I had close friendships that, while platonic, were emotionally intimate. Being mono only "worked" for me because my husband was generous about sharing my time and attention.

Eventually, a close friend introduced me to poly, and I realized that for years, I'd been in a non-sexual version of it. It became obvious to me that I had to take the next step and be open to non-traditional relationships in every sense of the word.

"Recruiting" is viable, if you've done your homework and understand the lifestyle and choose people who you see signs of poly-inclination in, I think--but I say that knowing that for many people, the moral and emotional jump is just too big.

Glad you posted--thanks for making me think!
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  #18  
Old 01-31-2011, 03:23 AM
sohuman sohuman is offline
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This has been a period of information absorption, reading (this forum, Opening Up, the Ethical Slut, and I am ordering Sex at Dawn), and incredible growth. On Friday my husband let me go out for coffee with someone I said in advance that I might be interested in romantically, and it was not easy for him. We talked about it on several occasions (was he ready? was I?) and then talked about it solidly and with full concentration for an hour and a half beforehand. He was feeling threatened and disappointed in me, rejected and deficient. I reassured him that those were cognitive messages that maybe he could reshape by speaking the truth back to each message.

1. Threatened: that even if this person was incredibly attractive (I had met him once in person before but couldn't remember if he was attractive) and shit rainbows and unicorns, any feelings I developed for him, if we did go down that route, would still not be a threat to our marriage, because I now know not to make any decisions during NRE. And let's just say that the love lasted through NRE - it still would not threaten my preference to stay married to someone with whom I get along famously, with whom I have an incredible child, with whom I regularly have mind-blowing sex, and most importantly, with whom I have built a life and pursued my dreams side-by-side for a decade and a half now.

2. Disappointed in me: he asked me why I am seeking any new romantic relationships now. The honest answer is that I get off on NRE and seek it out the same way a person who gets high seeks out pot (I am trying to make NRE happen, it is far more important than sex to me), but also that beyond just the rush of getting off on NRE together, I learn from connecting with people, getting to know them, exchanging ideas, and, once reality shows itself through the haze and time goes by, I actually enjoy working through interpersonal things with people, even though it can be painful... it helps me learn who we are better, learn how not alone we are and yet how unique... and lastly, the answer to "why now" is that I see enormous potential for growth in sharing honestly one of these trips with him, not hiding it, having him see that part of me... and asked him to consider not being disappointed, to maybe even cultivate compersion for me as I was trying to do right now for him too. On Thursday we had gone out and with his newfound freedom he had struck up a lengthy conversation with a really pretty talented girl and I didn't interrupt. I cultivated compersion, and that was a new thing to do in real time for me. I realized that jealousy is a lot like anger - you can have it and not beat yourself up for having it, acknowledge its purpose, but perhaps take a deep breath and choose your behavioral reaction (to a point) if you make it your goal to cultivate such control. I have to cultivate control all the time with anger at work. My work involves frequent intense and personal rejection and if I don't express my feelings about that appropriately I could change how people see me and jeopardize eventually getting promoted, that is a reality. Learning how to express visceral emotions like anger, fear, disappointment, or jealousy - and to whom - is a very useful skill.

3. Rejected: that there is no way that this action, going out for coffee with a romantic prospect, is a rejection of him or our relationship. It is an hour and a half that we will not be spending together, but in no way could it ever change my wish to stay together and keep cultivating our marriage.

4. Deficient: OMG it is so the opposite. I am so thankful to have the love of my life be someone so compassionate and open-minded. The fact that he is willing to deal with his jealousy in a cognitive-behavioral model and take this leap of trust and faith in me within our new honest paradigm, it is the opposite of a deficit - it is a new additional amazing quality that makes me love him even more.

He decided to give me the okay. Well I knew right away when I saw this guy at the coffee place that I was not attracted to him, and we did some good professional networking (the pretense for the coffee), and then went separate ways. I called my husband immediately afterward to brief him.

I am amazed that I found my husband. This could-have-been-date on the up-and-up deepened our connection. I finally feel that honesty and truth have made our relationship real. I love him even more than if he shit out rainbows and unicorns plus burlap sacks of gold.

Anyway, our story is lengthy and sordid, I started writing it up but realized I can't just have it out in public. Thank you all for sharing so much, I'm just sorry I can't fully reciprocate by laying our full story out here - I got seriously royally screwed by an internet forum in the past.

Anyone going to the conf in Atlanta in March who wants to share about themselves and learn more about us, please send me a PM.

Amory to all, and to all a good night.

I leave you with an awesome quote from Better Off Ted (just discovered it on netflix) - I'm still keeping Fantastic Mr. Fox as my signature but behold:

"Linda: I can't believe the company is treating you like this. Doesn't it make you wanna scream or put your fist through a wall... or rub your junk on the C.E.O.'s chair?
Ted: Yes... Yes... and I only use my junk for good, not for evil. With great junk comes great responsibility."

Last edited by sohuman; 01-31-2011 at 04:35 AM.
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  #19  
Old 01-31-2011, 01:08 PM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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Well done on all accounts. Please know that this post provided me with some invaluable perspective. I look forward to following your journey.


Quote:
I love him even more than if he shit out rainbows and unicorns plus burlap sacks of gold.
This had me nearly snorting coffee all over my computer.
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  #20  
Old 01-31-2011, 02:45 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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I'm new too -- loved your post! I have never known anyone poly in my life. So of course the whole idea seemed crazy to me until I came here and realized it's not so crazy afterall. How can more love be a bad thing? I hope to go to a convention someday to meet some real live ("thinking") polys face-to-face. From what I've read, the people here are intelligent, creative and brave. There is something so non-asshole-ish about being honest about your feelings, as opposed to the assholes who are out there pretending to be monogamous. For those who are happy, that's great, but I have known so many people living miserably (or at least unfulfilled) in monogamy that I am refreshed and encouraged by this forum.

I tend to babble in my posts -- I guess I'm often quite lazy -- but it is wonderful to be a member of this forum. I feel very lucky to be here
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