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  #11  
Old 01-24-2011, 11:58 AM
Sindris Sindris is offline
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Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
Have you told him that? Knowing what is going on with you is more important to him because he can't go forward in the relationship if you aren't ready.
Talk to him.
We have discussed this, yes. I've been very open about the jealousy/envy feelings I have going on (for various reasons. some very legit and selfless- concern for him, and some selfish) . I was more than thrilled about the open conversation aspect of poly... and I've taken to it quite well. I don't know how much he relays to his primary... and for the time being... I'd feel more comfortable with her left out of things until I can come to terms with my current situation (though I'm starting to have fleeting thoughts of spending some time with her. Albeit, FLEETING). He's been nothing but re-assuring, and take it at my own pace. I think it's more personal guilt that's eating away at me.
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  #12  
Old 01-24-2011, 12:01 PM
Sindris Sindris is offline
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Originally Posted by sage View Post
PS. Is it you or your metamour who is defensive?
Don't quite understand the question. Rephrase? (Sorry!)
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  #13  
Old 01-25-2011, 04:59 AM
Bricklie Bricklie is offline
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Default Ditto?

Sindris, I think we're in parallel situations. Therefore, what I've got to say is more along the lines of commiseration than advice, hope that's okay.

Here's how I work it in my own head. Envy is insecurity, right, it's fear? The fear that there isn't enough to go around, so you can't share. But there is in your case as in mine, I bet. Then the only other thing I might advise is act as though you are secure, even when you're not. They say you can sometimes convince yourself that you're not afraid--like with stage fright--and eventually the fear will diminish. Completely unsure if that's true, but it sounds reasonable. Cognative self-therapy may not be the be all and end all, but it's a straw to grasp. My mantra is "She's a part of him, and I love all of him." Helps. A little.

And please don't slather on the additional heartache of condemning yourself for hurting. I might be new to this but it strikes me that "I should feel" is a phrase that flies in the face of a lot of the values polyamory hopes to espouse. Polyamory seems more about relaxing external expectations and restrictions, and instead serving up authentic feelings, freshly and honestly. Like really good pizza. And, like really good pizza, it's too good not to share.

Good luck, hon.

Rebecca
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  #14  
Old 01-25-2011, 11:13 AM
Sindris Sindris is offline
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Originally Posted by Bricklie View Post
My mantra is "She's a part of him, and I love all of him." Helps. A little.
That actually helps a great deal. Thank you.
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  #15  
Old 01-25-2011, 03:54 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by Bricklie View Post
................
Envy is insecurity, right, it's fear? The fear that there isn't enough to go around, so you can't share.
Nope ! Correction here.
Insecurity is the big fuel behind JEALOUSY. Important to get clear on this.

Envy is about desiring something that someone else has. Or you PERCEIVE they have. And you want it. Your fair share. Fuel source.......often greed.

If you can be rational and honest with yourself, envy is relatively easy to deal with in the grand scheme of things.

Insecurities -fear(leading to jealousy) is more work but extremely worthwhile.

Lots of reading on here and other places explaining the differences and why it's critical to have clarity so you can use the proper tools to attack the problem.

GS
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  #16  
Old 01-26-2011, 04:37 AM
Bricklie Bricklie is offline
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Got me! Haha, you're right, a liberal arts major should know her parts of speech better!

While envy is a simple pining for something someone else has (it's a noun or verb), jealousy is defined by rivalry and resentment toward another (an adj). You're right, envy is much easier, on the whole.

I still hold to the point that jealousy is insecurity, and insecurity is fear. And all we have to fear is fear itself, right?
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  #17  
Old 01-26-2011, 03:17 PM
Sindris Sindris is offline
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It's not just...well... its jealousy and envy, by those definitions. And resentment. It's not so simply explained.

Thus-far, I haven't spent any time with her. Talked to her twice and had some fleeting messages passed by way of our boyfriend. And as mentioned, I admit that I don't know her all too well. By way of him explaining the situation between them, there are some, difficulties (for lack of better word) going on. Be it money, or what she provides, I don't really see what shes contributing. (And yes, I know it's not my place to judge... but it's my natural instinct).

Logical and defensive emotions slowly tumble into resentment, as it seems that she's not making things any easier between the who of them. Whereas I feel, unfortunately, justified (I'm very much the care-taker sort... I meld to what a person needs). And then that turns into being indignant. And a lot of "why" questions.

Why is she the primary when...
Why am I stuck with the "short end" of the straw when...

A lot of "why does she ____ when I go out of my way? Especially when, she may, in-fact not be hurting the relationship, but shes blatantly not helping?" type questions. It's all a very hard thing for me. And I've explained some of it to him, but I don't have the gall to flat out say the above.

Usually, I get the, "I'm a grown man, if I didn't like it, I'd change it" though he's expressed it's tiring and stressful.
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