can't stand it anymore,confused
i'm back...i used to have a profile on here before but i forgot my info so i had to start over...my husband is sheiksquall and we have been together 12 years, married 11. thing is hubby within the past year or two has decided or discovered he is poly and i have tried to understand it and him and have gone to many different kind of sex events just to broaden my mind. i had never been with another girl until gf#1 came into the picture. We all met at an anime convention and she is poly as well as bisexual. it took a few months but eventually a threesome happened and my emotions have been bouncing around ever since. also in the past year gf#1 introduced us to gf#2 (huge longs story involving me fucking gf#2's boyfriend, an orgy at gf@1's house for her birthday which is how we met gf#2, i ate her out while someone else did me,etc.) thing is, *I* wanted gf#2 ALL TO MYSELF. i didn't want hubby involved. i felt i clicked with her immediately like i had not done in such a along time, but hubby did not listen to my SPECIFIC AND IN NO UNCERTAIN WORDS when i SAID: "i want her!! mine!!" i still carry this resentment around to this day which i think is a foundation for my hurt and confusion today. i never speak my mind or stand up for myself and what i want and when i did, to the most important and closest person to me who had been encouraging me to do so, it fell on deaf ears and he fucked her the same nite too and then proceeded to pursue her himself. so fast forward to recently, i am being so jealous of both of our mutual gf's...i get angry upset fearful that i'm not enough for them when i see or hear of them being with others...i am reading the ethical slut which is making sense but it's still soooo hard. i never was a jealous person before hubby decided he was poly, i was confident that i was enough for him and that we were all each other needed in life but now i am questioning everything all the time and it is pushing the gf's away (not hubby cuz he says if i ultimately decide at any point i don't want this or can't handle it, it will stop; and if i change my mind and want to again, he's ok with that too)
i just don't like hearing about the gf's doing stuff...it hurts worse than when hubby wants to do stuff almost. and i don't know why and i don't like it. what do i do?? this is a real sticking point with me and gf#1, she says she loves me and won't leave me but she does not want the drama involved...