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  #11  
Old 01-21-2011, 06:03 PM
webethree webethree is offline
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Dingedheart, my story is much like yours i've been married 16 years and have two children, we explored with a threesome about a year ago with the rule being that it was for sexual gratification only. After 2 months my wife told me she had feelings for the other man, I was in shock and didn't know how to cope.We did more talking then we ever have in our marriage, after getting all of our concerns on the table we were able to come to a mutual respect for the others needs. Through this process I will say that my wife never lied or kept anything from me, you must have this to make this work, trust I we have learned is everything in making poly work. We have also read the book "the ethical slut" this helped us set boundaries for our relationship. We are now a little over a year into this and we both feel as though our marriage is stronger now than ever. We even at times go on dates with all three of us. If you take the time and effort to communicate it will get easier to accept and will start to pay dividends to your marriage in the long run.
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  #12  
Old 01-21-2011, 10:17 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Thank you SNeacail for the resource threads. It was a little over whelming try to understand all the back stories. The one seemed to deal with NRE and the neglect or possible feeling of being an obligation. What I took away is its not unheard of and other have same feeling/ thought. That doesn't really make me feel a whole lot better. The Sage post was something I may have go back and break down in pieces

Thanks Redpepper for the suggestions and the reading assignment. Wow 12yrs if you haven't done so you should write one of those yellow books "POLY FOR DUMMIES" hey I'd buy one. Hell you should do just for the humor of having it on your coffee table. I'm beginning to feel like if I can figure out how to post reply and not double post clear poly is way over my ski's. Any thanks again.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 03-15-2011 at 11:22 PM.
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  #13  
Old 01-21-2011, 10:29 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Thanks Redpepper for the suggestions and the reading assignment. Wow 12yrs if you haven't done so you should write one of those yellow books "POLY FOR DUMMIES" hey I'd buy one. Hell you should do just for the humor of having it on your coffee table. I'm beginning to feel like if I can figure out how to post reply and not double post clear poly is way over my ski's. Any thanks again.
The only problem is with a poly for dummies book is that there are so many different approaches to poly...it would be a heck of a long book with many many subsections and footnotes! <sigh> if only there was a coles notes version!
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  #14  
Old 01-21-2011, 10:31 PM
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
It was a little over whelming try to understand all the back stories.
It was just a start. Keep reading. If you click on a person's name, a drop down will appear and you can see what else that person has written in other threads. Warning, some have thousands of post, like Mono & Sage, but are well worth reading. You can also send that personal a PM (private message) if you have something specific to ask that person.

Here is a link to the "Golden Nuggets" section it might be helpful http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=26
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  #15  
Old 01-21-2011, 10:51 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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this morning I wrote long post replying to all and again it was lost due to incompetence. Thats why I'm trying to answer in order. However,I have go on boy scout out door camp out temps right now are -15 with wind chills somewhere -20 and -30. Should be fun, see what these like guys are made of. Already hearing from the moms. anyway I wont be able to post again... make that try to post till monday or later. thanks again everyone hope you all have great weekend.
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  #16  
Old 01-21-2011, 11:53 PM
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This forum is the closest I would get to my Poly for Dummies It's riddled with posts by me after being here pretty much from the start and being here every day... I blog most of the big stuff now in the blog section.

Have fun camping. I used to camp like that with the pathfinders... North western Ontario. I hated it... but now have fond memories of warm snow caves. I think they were called quincies (sp?) and fires where we stunk but our feet were getting dry and warm... also of warm drinks and digging in the snow.

Bah, who am I kidding, I actually loved it. It was the team dynamics I hated. It was a group with elitists in it that thought I was incompetent. They never took the time to really get to know me. I was terribly shy and lacked confidence.... I really just didn't fit in. Never have really Oh to be young again with what I know now about myself.
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  #17  
Old 01-22-2011, 12:07 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
This forum is the closest I would get to my Poly for Dummies It's riddled with posts by me after being here pretty much from the start and being here every day... I blog most of the big stuff now in the blog section.

Have fun camping. I used to camp like that with the pathfinders... North western Ontario. I hated it... but now have fond memories of warm snow caves. I think they were called quincies (sp?) and fires where we stunk but our feet were getting dry and warm... also of warm drinks and digging in the snow.

Bah, who am I kidding, I actually loved it. It was the team dynamics I hated. It was a group with elitists in it that thought I was incompetent. They never took the time to really get to know me. I was terribly shy and lacked confidence.... I really just didn't fit in. Never have really Oh to be young again with what I know now about myself.
Winter camping is awful. I used to do it too in Alberta (also with the Pathfinders). We'd show up set up camp and then I'd get cold and wouldn't warm up until I was home again. Hope you have a better time than I did Dinged!

RP-it sounds to me like you were with the wrong group. As a child the guiding world was one of the only places that I did feel confident!

Sorry for the hyjack
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  #18  
Old 01-22-2011, 12:58 AM
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Winter camping is awful. I used to do it too in Alberta (also with the Pathfinders). We'd show up set up camp and then I'd get cold and wouldn't warm up until I was home again. Hope you have a better time than I did Dinged!
Oh, I love winter camping, backpacking is even better. Then again, snow camping in Southern CA is a little different, I've never seen it go below 10F (normally between 20-40F). Most people go to Palm Springs to sit by the pool or play golf, I go to catch a tram and backpack in the snow.
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  #19  
Old 01-24-2011, 05:24 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Can you talk to your wife about all of this? This business of just showing up at your office sounds hinky to me. And about his being at
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Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
the party: did your wife know and just not tell you until you were walking up, or was it something else? Because I know that in those same circumstances my Fidelio would have been none too pleased. And for the iffy bf to crack wise at Fidelio's expense? That would have gone over like a fart in church.

Can you tell your wife about your feeling he had read your file? I assume she's the one who would've filled him in.

And where does his wife stand in all of this?

The more I learn about your situation, the more I lean toward thinking you all need to work on communication. Especially between you and your wife. Since you feel the trust between you has been undermined, the two of you together need to come up with a plan to fix that, and asap. If it were me, I would ask that we put further poly explorations on hold for a time so that we could concentrate on repairing our marriage, which would be my top priority.
Thanks Fidelia for your kind words. Yes I have expressed my thoughts and views. Not sure what gets in. Showing up at my business just knocked me off balance a little bit. I own a contracting business, we build things mostly high end homes or should I say we did. Anyway I lobby/ showroom display area, offices, conference rooms, wood shop, storage buildings etc. They came in I offered them each a beer he accepted she declined. She then took him on a little tour... more weird feelings. This happened 7:30m or 8pm on Friday no one but me in the place. Not unusual to see our cars or even different cars there at all different times day or night. Yes I was told as I was getting out of the car " bye the way dick is going to be he. After many months and careful thought he is a perfect example of Nature Vs Nurture. Is he a Dick because people have been calling that years or upon his birth his parents starring lovingly into his eye land turned to each other and said that's a dick. Now I'm pissed I didn't think of this at the party. That may changed the mood. I wouldn't have used it even if I had thought of because didn't know the guy.
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  #20  
Old 01-24-2011, 05:42 PM
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How does he treat your wife? If he is treating her well it might just be a case of the 2 of you just aren't meant to get along. There isn't anything saying that you have to be friends with the boyfriend. Some people just don't mesh well.

Your wife is responsible for her relationship with you though and just because she has something shiny and new in her life doesn't mean that she gets to neglect you. She should be putting some effort in to carving out time to do special things with you that the both of you enjoy together. As for how long it takes to see the positives that can vary from person to person. Are there things that she enjoys doing that you have no interest in? Is there something that you would like to do but have been feeling guilty about asking for the time to do it?

It sounds to me like you and your wife need to work on being connected again. Sex shouldn't just happen out of "fairness" it should happen because you both want it to happen. Plus relationships have their ebbs and flows, if you're both willing to put in the time to reconnect and find why you fell in love in the first place hopefully you'll find the spark again.
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