Oh so lost

[XYZ123]

Originally Posted by Karelia

I never considered it. Ever. In fact, my jealousy was so extreme that in my sexual fantasies about him and I, when a woman came into play, I ended the fantasy if they started up. Which is just plain nuts because it was my own damn fantasy.

Wow that sounds so familiar. Though I did this because of insecurity, poor treatment by partners, and feeling I had to repress my bisexuality because I was taught it was wrong and disgusting and I could never be loved and accepted for it.

[lostfairy]

Thanks again to everyone for your advice and support.

Here's a little update. My bf and I went to a swingers club last weekend. I got brave and introduced myself to a couple women sitting together. They were both married with their husbands there also. We ended up having a great time together. My bf and I really liked one of the women and her husband. We even had a little make out session with the two women. I turned and saw my bf kissing one of them while I was with the other. I had a tinge of jealousy, but I was surprised at how well I handled it. Then he turned and kissed me, and I felt pretty darn good about the whole thing. He told me later in the night that this is just what he needs. I was so happy! I feel like I can give him what he needs now, and we will both be happy.

We traded numbers with the couple and have plans to see them this weekend. The funny thing is I think I'm more nervous about being involved with the other man than my bf is. I'm just trying to relax about it, and remember that I had no idea how the club night would go, but we made it go how we wanted. Anyway, I know that my bf will help me and make sure that I am always comfortable.

So it appears that my freaking out about an emotional polyamorous relationship was unnecessary, but I'm glad to have heard what everyone has to say. I think much of it still applies to a mostly sexual relationship with others, and I will still be growing and overcoming insecurities. I feel much more confident now, though.

Thanks and Smiles.

[Fidelia]

I'm glad you're feeling better, lostfairy. And I'm delighted that your bf is helping you feel comfortable and secure.

Just keep those lines of communication open, be true to yourself and honest with everyone involved.

You go, girl!

[XYZ123]

I'm glad you had a good time and you're feeling better about all of this.

But...did I miss something? Are you saying that you're now thinking more along the line of "swinger" relationship rather than "poly"? I make no judgment, just wish to clarify.

[Karelia]

I have had a lot of the feelings you describe... initially, watching my husband with another woman was extremely surreal, and not even necessarily in a bad way. When our GF and him began alone time, and that involved sex, I remember being like... wait, huh? What? My husband just had sex with someone who isn't me. How did that happen?

Also, the first time I was alone with her... it was bizarre for him to not be there. When you spend 10 years kissing one person, it's just strange to kiss someone else, even when the person you HAVE been kissing is there, and it's all permitted. I sorta felt like I was cheating, even though I *knew* I wasn't. He expressed having had similar feelings during their initial encounters alone.

Now, it's all totally normal for him. He's been Mr. Compersion since Day One, lucky duck. I am a lot better than I had been, but I still get a twinge every once in a while.

I wish you and your BF all the best going forward. Keep us posted.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by lostfairy

So it appears that my freaking out about an emotional polyamorous relationship was unnecessary, but I'm glad to have heard what everyone has to say. I think much of it still applies to a mostly sexual relationship with others, and I will still be growing and overcoming insecurities. I feel much more confident now, though.

This is how I felt for some time until I realized that it was all fluff. The first times with people other than my husband were fun and exciting and made me feel sexy. It was weird to see him with others and weird to be with others and I had a great time seeing how I reacted to it all. After a time though it became normalized and when that happened it became hollow and shallow. The women were not bi and were having sex with me out of curiosity and to turn on their male partners. The men were simply objectifying my body and using it to masturbate into. I thought I had some depth with a couple that I went away to visit. I told them that I was starting to care about them as friends but they wanted to keep things very surface and discouraged conversations about anything other than when are we going to our place to fuck you? In fact of all the experiences with swinging I had I can't think of one time I didn't end up feeling dirty, used, unloved and that my love was thrown to the wind.

I won't even go into the lack of safe sex I witnessed when women got drunk and their partners weren't looking!

Please realize that this was my experience and I know for a fact that for some couples "swinging" is all that they want because it is quite simply easier. Poly is damned hard and I sometimes wish that I were made to be able to "swing" rather than have the capacity to love others. I don't have that and am happily doomed to love people with as much as I can muster.

If this is what you want and all you need then all the power to you, but don't do what I did and get your heart hurt because you think it might be easier and less effort. I can tell you, in the long run, the damage that you may have to over come from your experiences might make it harder! Remember that you can just try this on and if it doesn't fit, take it off again and try something else.

You never know though, this couple that you met might make your next quad,

or not.