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  #41  
Old 01-23-2011, 02:06 AM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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He wants things to be fair and he wants to be happy for me but im not sure his heart can take it yet.

I guess I also worry that if I tell J he won't feel the same way. I haven't had to deal with rejection in many years. If we were to date he would have to eventually fond someone that can give him everything he needs in life. I can't expect that he will just happen to fall for someone who is willing to share him with me. I am sure there are more fears that I haven't figures out yet. I will take time to figure this all out before doing anything thing else that will turn my world upside down.
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  #42  
Old 01-23-2011, 01:54 PM
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Senga Senga is offline
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When I was in a V relationship (mfm so, I had two hetero boyfriends). We had several talks that relate to this subject. They were both open to polyamory somewhat, but we all had issues to work through. From my experience as a female, I think it was challenging for me to simply express when I wanted sex or attention or when I truly felt a certain way. Society tries to tell us that for us to get anything, we have to be coy or sneaky about it. This is really not the case so don't be scared to talk to your husband about it. Talk to her about it. If you are honestly confused, then ask. However I implore that instead of asking in an upset way, (like how you will probably feel once you are so overwhelmed by bending over backwards) talk about it before this. In my situation things got heated quickly sometimes and we stopped listening. So my boyfriend and I agreed to go outside where it was calm, sit on the porch for 10 minutes and write down the Focus of our arguments in only a few sentences on paper. Then we switched papers and replied to each other by writing. After that we continued to talk about it. It really helped to get the ball rolling for a productive conversation. The best of luck to you!
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  #43  
Old 01-23-2011, 07:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Senga View Post
However I implore that instead of asking in an upset way, (like how you will probably feel once you are so overwhelmed by bending over backwards) talk about it before this. In my situation things got heated quickly sometimes and we stopped listening. So my boyfriend and I agreed to go outside where it was calm, sit on the porch for 10 minutes and write down the Focus of our arguments in only a few sentences on paper. Then we switched papers and replied to each other by writing. After that we continued to talk about it. It really helped to get the ball rolling for a productive conversation. The best of luck to you!
Yes, talking before getting emotional is so important and takes practice... I sometimes don't say anything until my words are in order and I find a moment when I am distracted by other things (pretty easy to come by in my life) and then say the words I have put together without too much thought and definitely less emotions in attached. It goes over much better and gets me to where I want to be in a way that is more tactful, respectful and with less drama.

I like your idea of swapping lists! That is a really good way of doing it and comes to a similar end as how I do it. It would drive me crazy to actually write... but then I have dyslexia and avoid writing on paper as much as I can. Whatever works right? That is the main thing.
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  #44  
Old 01-24-2011, 07:17 AM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Well J was here the last few days and after H and I talked about how I felt about him only one thing has been said. He said he wouldn't feel comfortable having two primaries. He wants to be primary. I told him that while I would be willing to have another primary it wouldn't be who ever I might be seeing. To me he will always be primary. Then that was it. Nothing else has been said. H and I have gotten even closer the last couple of days. I never thought I could feel any closer to him but I do. He knows with all of his heart that I love him. I hope he is comfortable talking about it soon. I know I need to ask him to talk but about things but I am afraid it is too soon. I just don't know what it is that I should do with these feelings.
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  #45  
Old 01-24-2011, 07:38 AM
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And what was J's response?
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  #46  
Old 01-24-2011, 04:51 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
And what was J's response?
I haven't told him. He was there the night I told H about how I felt. So we haven't really had time to talk about if and how to deal with these feelings.
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  #47  
Old 01-25-2011, 07:12 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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How do I get two guys to talk to each other about what they are feeling? I know that if H and J talked and got past all of the pent up resentments then it would not only make me happy but it would make their friendship stronger. They have been friends for many years. A lot of stuff has happened between them. There are some resentment issues that need addressed. I thought about suggesting to H that he could write out what is bothering him. That way when J gets it and is floored by the fact that his best friend is harboring bad feelings toward him after over a decade, he too will have time to think about what he wants to say back. There has been more recent events but all of them before J changed his life for the better. J has told me in the past that there is no way he could ever re-pay H for everything he has done for him. I just have a feeling that he has never told H this.

Is it always this hard for men to communicate with each other? Is it normal to let things go for this many years with out closure?
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  #48  
Old 01-25-2011, 07:21 PM
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Sounds like you have some good ideas. You could cook them a meal and provide pen & paper, create a relaxed atmosphere. Other than that, you will have to tell them it is "up to them" because it is, & it should be. Let them work out some things their way, for themselves, so they can grow their relationship. If you coddle their relationship and are too overprotective of it, then it will always be in "baby stage". Try to be positive and encouraging, point out the positive things they will gain from such a reconciliation. That is, after all, your goal.
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