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  #51  
Old 01-19-2011, 12:31 AM
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I couldn't help but think of the old playground song K-I-S-S-I-N-G while reading this thread. It makes me wonder if silly old songs like this that we learn as children are not some sort of "conditioning" taught to us. Clearly the song is implied for Mono relationships, but what kinda stigma does it hold for people as we get older by hearing such things as children?

<please note sarcasm for the following>

girls who are single mothers out of wedlock, clearly got the order wrong.

if its not a girl and a boy sitting in that tree they have it wrong too.

so if there is more than one person in the tree, wouldn't the branches break?


I think that personally I believe that there is no right or wrong order of things. Just as long as situations are being done responsibly. And that could vary relationship to relationship.

I also think that I dislike kids songs lol. Brainwashing sucks.
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  #52  
Old 01-19-2011, 08:52 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
1. Attraction > lovers > love > friends
2. Friends > love > attraction > lovers
3. Attraction > friends > love > lovers
4. Attraction > friends > lovers > love
Mmh... I've experienced a love of "Attraction/love" then trying to be friends and/or lovers and failing

I think the second or third ones would probably be my favoured ones... It's a bit hard to say because I have trouble wrapping my mind around attraction and love not going together. I'm usually only attracted to people if I'm in love with them. So that love/attraction can either come first or after we're friends, but either way I wouldn't want to be in a relationship before getting to know them as friends.

As for timelines... Well the only relationship I've had that was a relationship and not about sex was with my husband. We met in May, I believe (on a forum), then we became a couple in the middle of July, and then we met in February the next year (we had sex on the first day we met in person). We were together for five years and a half altogether.

My other relationship, with my boyfriend, we met in May as well and decided to set our anniversary on the 1st of July when we realised we had no clue when we switched to being a couple. We met in the beginning of September, and that also when we first had sex (in person). And we're together right now, so that doesn't help you with the "how long does a relationship last?".

Personally I think it would also be interesting to know how long of that relationship was good. I think if you were friends first, it's likely that you'll have a harder time breaking up because you're more attached in ways other than your relationship and you're afraid of losing that too, so you might stay longer in a bad relationship. Of course I guess the opposite might happen too: you might know you'll still be friends and therefore not feel like you're losing everything, and be more willing to break up when the relationship stops working.
I do think though that it's harder breaking up when you know you're also breaking up with a friend. At least it was my experience, but to be fair I can't really compare, before that I had casual sex and one friend with benefits, in neither case was there any break up since there wasn't really anything to break up to begin with.
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  #53  
Old 01-20-2011, 03:23 AM
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I've kept all of my exes as friends. So I can't answer that one "fairly" either.



It's all interesting to consider though.
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  #54  
Old 01-20-2011, 04:07 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Wait, are we required not to stay friends? If so, I can't answer either.
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  #55  
Old 01-20-2011, 04:46 AM
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hehe, no, it's just that theoretically that's not "typical" so it doesn't really give a clear picture of what is normal (whatever the hell normal is anyway!)
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  #56  
Old 01-20-2011, 04:58 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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But if everyone who thinks they're not normal refrains from answering, I'm sure you can see how the results will be inaccurate! Plus they'll only serve to reinforce already established stereotypes of what's normal.
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  #57  
Old 01-20-2011, 06:43 PM
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Tonberry, I did answer, I started the thread...
It was just a moment of playfulness.

For me a person needs to be earn my friendship before I consider them as a potential lover. Some friends are made with people whom I am attracted to-they have a chance to become more. Some friends are made with people whom I'm not attracted to, so there never is a chance that they will become more.

Either way-a stranger isn't a potential lover for me; for a variety of reasons the least of which isn't that I have herpes and it's not something I want to share with Mr. X the first day I meet him; but I absolutely will not have sex with someone, even with protection, without them knowing ALL about it.

Additionally, I have children, having worked as a stripper for 4 years, I'm well aware of the risks that Mr. X could end up being Mr. Psycho murderer and if they are; they are a danger to my children as well.

Sidenote, one a person makes it to my inner circle of friends, they are a friend for life. The amount of day to day involvement can vary significantly through the years, but they're in for life. So, all of my exes, remain friends.
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  #58  
Old 01-24-2011, 01:46 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NYCindie
A relationship that starts out or remains mostly sexual isn't necessarily always temporary, short-lived, or shallow. Its dynamic simply meets a particular need.
Glad to know there are others who think like this.

Can't seem to get my computer to back up a page and save the quote, but LR mentioned her & Maca and their differing uses of words. Violet and I just recently realized this fundamental breakdown between us, and are working on it. It's HARD. Now that we're working on it, we're constantly aware of JUST how often it happens, even with ittle things, and now we see it etween other people all the time. Many a book and thesis could (and probably has been) written on this one, it's a deep and universal problem.

I find it interesting to see how many people here acknowledge the attraction>lovers>friends>love model and the others similar to it; and how this is accepted now. I haven't been active here for months because of the heat I caught for operating this way, which it how I've always been. I also see comments about sex on first dates and such. Glad to see more acceptance of people who move quickly now.
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  #59  
Old 01-24-2011, 04:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NYCindie
A relationship that starts out or remains mostly sexual isn't necessarily always temporary, short-lived, or shallow. Its dynamic simply meets a particular need.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
Glad to know there are others who think like this.

Can't seem to get my computer to back up a page and save the quote, but LR mentioned her & Maca and their differing uses of words. Violet and I just recently realized this fundamental breakdown between us, and are working on it. It's HARD. Now that we're working on it, we're constantly aware of JUST how often it happens, even with ittle things, and now we see it etween other people all the time. Many a book and thesis could (and probably has been) written on this one, it's a deep and universal problem.

I find it interesting to see how many people here acknowledge the attraction>lovers>friends>love model and the others similar to it; and how this is accepted now. I haven't been active here for months because of the heat I caught for operating this way, which it how I've always been. I also see comments about sex on first dates and such. Glad to see more acceptance of people who move quickly now.
what was it that LR and Maca don't agree on? that you are working on? sorry, confused...

welcome back btw

I am not sure fast paces aren't accepted so much as people have different ideas on how poly works for them. You got some great advice several times HMA, hope that life is working out the way you had hoped... whatever way (that is yours) you work and however you get there.... that is the main thing no?

It really comes down to whatever pace you want and whatever length of relationship you want. Some people like to live hard and fast and have fleeting moments where they find love and sex and therefore happiness, while others would rather savour moments and have something lasting... or some like hard and fast and lasting, and others slow with not much going on...nothing is wrong or right, just different. That is what makes us all unique... the best thing to do about it all, I think, is to find out what pace or what kind of relationship someone wants before getting too involved or it could end in pain if the potential partner is not on the same wavelength. Is that even possible all of the time? I don't think so, but if it is it could really be beneficial.
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Last edited by redpepper; 01-24-2011 at 04:46 AM.
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