Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc. General Discussion

[Ceoli]

YGirl, that is exactly my definition of jealousy versus envy. But if I find myself starting to feel defensive to someone's envy, then the problem is mine, not theirs.

Jealousy is definitely a destructive force to all parties in a relationship. When I have jealous friends, I work just as hard to address it as I would with a jealous partner. If it can't be resolved in either case, then there is something very broken.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by vandalin

Ygirl: I like how you put the differences between jealousy & envy.

Originally Posted by Karelia

YGirl, I like your definition.

Originally Posted by Ceoli

YGirl, that is exactly my definition of jealousy versus envy.

YGirl Defines the Differences

Episode II: Sympathy vs. Empathy

Coming Soon to a Forum Near You

[River]

lol!

[vandalin]

Originally Posted by YGirl

YGirl Defines the Differences

Episode II: Sympathy vs. Empathy

Coming Soon to a Forum Near You

I thought I already covered that one...http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...13&postcount=8 with the following post being a confirmation. I suppose we can co-author that one.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

I have had other friends where we haven't been able to maintain relationships because their overflowing happiness leaves little room for anything else and doesn't tolerate the fact that this is where I'm struggling. They don't leave the space for me to have my own feelings. They don't honor my struggle in their happiness, which makes it more difficult for me to honor their happiness in my struggle.

So I won't hide my happiness in those areas, but I will approach it with a bit of humility and respect for people who may not have had the fortunate situations that I've had.

This was very helpful Ceoli! Thank you.

I think that perhaps some people in my life have made themselves distant out of fear that I won't be humble and respect that they have their own struggles and short comings where their happiness is concerned. I do my best to stay quiet and down play my joy actually. They would no that if they bothered to find out. We will see what happens in time. I am kinda demanding that people get their act together, stop whining and create their own happiness... I suppose that might be a bit grating?

I have a friend that is just as happy in her poly life as I right now and is so "in it." She doesn't always approach others with humility in it and kind of goes on about it all sometimes. It doesn't make people warm to her happiness, but instead makes them want to avoid her as she brings up their own unhappiness by proxy. I even have trouble listening to it as it makes me feel like, in her eyes, my happiness couldn't possibly be as good as hers or as valid.

She had a cranky day recently and was actually a bit cranky with being cranky in light of her AMAZING life. I kind of fell out of favour as I teased her about it..... really I was kind of rolling my eyes and thinking, "could you possibly be more self centered and self involved?!"

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by YGirl

So is it the thing itself they are j/e of, or the fact that you make it look so easy?

I guess that's what I was going for.

I think cause I make it look easy.... on the outside it does look easy! But I can tell, you and so can Mono... it has been a lot of hard work!

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by vandalin

Ygirl: I like how you put the differences between jealousy & envy. This is something that has come up recently in regards to Elric and myself. He has mentioned a couple gals on FB often enough for me to feel something but I wasn't sure quite what. Using your definitions I can deduce that what I feel is envy, I am envious of the other gals because I wish I could have the attention he is giving them for myself. Thanks!

It seems that envy is an okay part of compersion while jealousy is something we would not want in compersion so must work through and get rid of. Yes?

You wish I could have the attention he gives them to yourself? Isn't that jealousy?

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by YGirl

YGirl Defines the Differences

Episode II: Sympathy vs. Empathy

Coming Soon to a Forum Near You

you are sooooo popular YGirl...! I'm envious!

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by vandalin

I thought I already covered that one...http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...13&postcount=8 with the following post being a confirmation. I suppose we can co-author that one.

You did cover it; so did a lot of other folks. But I haven't yet.

[redpepper]

Jealousy indicates fear, self preservation, the preservation of a love relationship, loss of what once was, sadness over the loss of what once was, anger over a lovers seeming lack of love for you etc.... it is very powerful in that it is a mixture of many emotions in one.

Jealousy is not simple and is not dangerous. Sure to a lot of us it feels strange and new as we don't often get to feel it in life... but it is the newness that makes us feel like it's wrong. It makes us feel that we are misbehaving and that we should be shameful about our seeming lack of control over our emotions.

Jealousy can be harnessed to achieve great things in terms of knowing ourselves and how strong our relationships really are. It can also indicate that there is something wrong in the relationship or in the relationship of our lover and their other lover.

There is nothing wrong with it or bad about it. It is very human and shows that we too can be humbled by our less desirable emotions....