new guy needs help with theory vs practice

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by pangino

thank you all for you responses. these are very valid points made by all of you. we are revisiting the ethics issue when she returns. although his wife is not a part, this person is part of a very large group of friends, so the ramifications of discovery are exponential.

does anyone have suggestions regarding old boyfriends,contact policies that are fair to both parties?

when your revisit I do hope you do so with some knowledge... I really hope you read the threadsI suggest via the tag search I suggest. I hate to see people get hurt needlessly. Everyone will in this case... four hearts on the line here I think.

I think any boundaries you have around exs should be your own. When I went to my high school reunion a few summers back I went and broke the boundaries I had with PN, mostly because we didn't discuss them fully and things came up that we didn't expect... It was a learning curve and while I would do things differently now I think it was all important and I have no regrets. It was a bit of a turning point for me about how I view sex and connection. A painful one, but necessary.

You could do a search for boundaries and rules, exs and see what you find.

[pangino]

thank you RP. i have searched some threads, how do i search tags? when you say ex boundaries should be my own, do you mean what L and i can agree to? or what I personally would like?

[sage]

polyamory is all about negotiation.

[Morningglory629]

YEP! What they said!

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by pangino

i have searched some threads, how do i search tags?

Click on the word "Search" at the top of the page. A little dialogue box will drop down. Then click on the words "Tag Search." It will take you to a new page which displays the most popular tags in a "cloud." You can either click on any of those that interest you, or you can also search for other tags using the blank field below that. When you start typing a word in that field, possible matches come up that you can click on, and then hit the search button. It will bring up all posts that have been tagged with that word or phrase, but that depends on contributors tagging posts.

The Advanced search, which you can also click on in that little drop-down box and takes you to the "Search Forums" page, searches either the title or all the text in a message (whichever you choose), not just the "Tags" field added to a post. You can also select specific forums to search.

It's also a good idea to add tags to posts you make so that others looking for similar topics can find your conversations. You can add up to five tags, using the little "Tags" field below the box where you write your message. Here again, possible matches show when you start typing, but you can add your own tags that don't already exist as well.

[pangino]

hi all, thanks once again.

so last night was L s overnight date with our friend. they went to a show to see our favorite musician. i actually had one of the best nights sleep since L left. my anxiety prior to her date was way more intense than the actual date time frame. i am feeling compersion on a grand scale,and feel great about feeling great. i am putting this in my lessons folder for future reference! i would like to have a way to stay connected with L while she s gone without impeding her ability to have space and time. L has a much deeper need for this than i, i recognize and respect that.

i would like to digress for a minute regarding something sage mentioned;

QUOTE=sage;62356]Being in a relationship with someone who has a DADT policy with their primary implicates her in his deception.

I think it's really good that you've identified that you need to build up some new relationships so that you aren't so emotionally dependent on your partner. But it also sounds as if you've put her on a bit of a pedestal. Your feelings are your feelings and should be validated.[/QUOTE]

i m not sure what you meant when saying i put her on a bit of a pedestal. could you be a little clearer about that? i love her tremendously and think she is one of the most wonderful people i have ever met. (most people agree)

sage, i want to thank you immensely, and being my "first responder" you have a special place in my heart. much love to you!

thank you all for your counsel. i have been lurking around this site for awhile reading and felt really comfortable opening my heart to all of you.

L returns tomorrow after 2 1/2 weeks. i will be glad to see her! i will update as things progress. please feel free to inquire of me.

i just realized this sounds like a goodbye letter and that is absolutely not the case. just a thank you at the end of the beginning of my experience.

wheew! feeling like james brown! " I FEEL GOOD!...... LIKE I KNEW THAT I WOULD!"

[redpepper]

I'm kinda concerned here. Your wife is having an affair... does that not register? His wife doesn't know. Can you put yourself in her shoes for one moment and think how that might feel. You are promoting that. You are promoting her to feel used, deceived, disrespected, cheated of love and closeness, cheated of connection with her husband. She will likely feel betrayed in a way that goes to the depth of her being... like that of a child abandoned by its parent in their hour of need. They made a commitment to be faithful and he is destroying that with your wife. You are part of that. That commitment is usually meant to be sacred between a couple, regardless of whether or not "she won't understand." regardless of whether a couples communication has broken down so much that they are either not talking or blowing up at one another...

I can tell you from experience that the guilt and lying he is doing will far out weigh the sex and connection he has with your wife and you. That guilt becomes a disease to a cheating relationship. My memories of cheating, and that of others (if you have done some reading you will see) is of the guilt and lying I did... Mono will say the same thing I am sure, he cheated for two years and all he remembers is the betrayal he bestowed on his unknowing wife.

I didn't want to have to say this as I hoped that you would read more about others experiences. I hate having to dredge up this feeling again in myself about my own failure at having relationships that are healthy, loving and respectful... but,,, here I am. This relationship you speak of IS NOT poly to me. It is cheating. There is a huge difference. You have a flavour of what poly might be, but until you find a person to be in your lives that has some integrity, it just simply is not as far as I am concerned.