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  #61  
Old 12-16-2010, 02:41 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Default Deja vu

I was going to write about how I have been feeling lately but then realized I already tackled the same feelings. Like a cold these thoughts affect me more in the morning and night; they keep me up late and wake me up early. Sorry for the self quoting folks. Don't worry RP, just a process I need to get on with so I can get over it and feel I should share that with our friends

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I have constantly debated the unfairness of my boundaries and repeatedly looked at the options. I do this with a huge error in my approach to this. I debated this issue within myself with the perception that I know what Redpepper wants. I see her wanting co-habitation with her husband and me; each with our own space. I also see her expecting me to evolve and accept other men into her life with time. Whether that becomes reality is yet to be seen but the point of error is that I am making assumptions.

I don’t want to be in a fluid open relationship where I give myself totally to one person and they are open to bring other men into their lives. I admit that I actually don’t want this. Although I have somehow naturally taken to what we have and happy within our boundaries, I do not want to a partner who I can expect to share with other men.

I would rather fore go the physical intimacy of our relationship to nurture the friendship, which is beyond any I have ever had. Physical intimacy is the pinnacle of intimate communication for me but is still not worth risking the soul connection I feel with her.

So now I feel almost like a walking ultimatum. We all know that if someone gives you an ultimatum the choice should not be in his or her favour. So here I am. My mere boundaries feel like an ultimatum to me. I am so black and white in how I approach my boundaries I again feel like this is unfair. I have no give, no bending. I don’t feel it in me to compromise my need for this boundary because it is a path to not being myself. I just found myself and refuse to let that go. I in turn see this inability to compromise as being an infringement on Redpepper’s ability to be herself. And so the cycle continues within me and again it is in error because it does not actually factor in her desires.

Redpepper’s friendship is first. Our physical expression and the intimate expression of the love we have come second to me. She, as a friend, is more important than us, as a couple.
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  #62  
Old 12-21-2010, 05:38 AM
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I'm feeling grounded and closer to RP than ever. We had a great talk a couple of nights ago. We aknowledged some things about our relationship regarding the compromises we make to be together. We spoke of them clearly and accept the fact that we don't know what the future holds for us sometimes. I worry about her health in being with me and I worry about my health in feeling like I suppress her. We talked about the pasture I see her in. Yes it's a great pasture with lots of wonderful things and it is a pretty big pasture when you compare it to some different approaches to love. It does however have a fence and one that she can see over. There are wonderful things out there as well; experiences and people available to explore. All the things in her pasture are caring and committed and some much more willing and able to see her wander outside for a while or invite someone or something else in. I am in her pasture as well but have a subconscious eye on the edges. I'm not so willing and able to see her wander and explore..this saddens me and I sometimes feel drained because I feel as though my constant vigil wears on me. That is where my health becomes a concern. I sometimes feel as though I have my shoulder against the fence, reinforcing it with my weight. I see her retreating in sadness, glossy eyes of the mare who has been fenced in.

She knows that I consider our relationship and our family a success. She also knows that I won't really consider ourselves a "poly" success unless I can open myself up to her having other men enter her life in an intimate way. I told her I don't see a path to that...not one that actually makes me internally happy and healthy or brings me closer to her as an intimate partner.
Once again we find this unique arrangement of her marriage, my experiences and the overwhelming love we have overcoming struggle to bring us closer.

Perhaps one day she will find something that makes it worth going down an alternate path, perhaps one day I will change. Until such time we will keep loving each other, growing and supporting each other. Regardless we will always be family. She is not just the most passionate person I have met but she is the most trusted and accepting friend I have ever had. Even when we struggle we turn to each other for support...isn't that what best friends do?

There is happiness in this post through sharing and awareness..and that's why it belongs here
thought a re-post might be helpful
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  #63  
Old 12-21-2010, 03:24 PM
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thought a re-post might be helpful
Thanks Bbay
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  #64  
Old 01-21-2011, 05:22 AM
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Default a time of weariness

I am sure things look pretty easy from the outside for me. I have had very little struggle in adapting to loving a woman who has a husband, a girlfriend and a tertiary although currently in a state of withdraw for now. Admittedly, I have found my relationship with her husband to develop almost without major incident and now feel little trepidation around all of our extended families. And yes, we have a compromise around no new men. And yes that makes no sense to anyone who asks why her husband or the introduction of Derby as her girlfriend has been so readily accepted and cherished.

So my life must be pretty easy, I get everything I want right? Wrong, so very very wrong. I have the constant and unrelenting weight of the compromise we have resting on my mind and shoulders. It comes in cycles, sometimes weak and barely noticed and other times like a rising tide that threatens to swallow my very health.

What don't I have? A girlfriend who is free to be who she really wants to be and who is not free to share her heart the way she wants to. I am the one who looks into her confused and sad eyes knowing that my protection of what we have is causing her to ache. I am trapped. I am pinned between my desire to remain in her life as her lover and my desire to see her live the way nature intended her to. I expect no one to understand that connection and happiness cannot be faked for me. I can't turn off the reshaping of my affection or the subconcious and yet physically painful withdrawl of my intimate energy I feel when that boundary is encroached apon. Our friendship means too much to me to let it be drowned by silent contempt under a veil of smiles and reassurances that everything is ok. That would be deceitful and unfair to her heart. I want her to always feel the genuine love I have for her in it's true form.

While I am confident in who I am and what I have to offer, I still feel the guilt and embarrassment of not being able to overcome this compromise. But then I am not willing to compromise my health or threaten the connection I have with Redpepper in order to achieve that. If we go down that road, we will do so with open eyes and acceptance of whatever happens is meant to be and no one is at fault.

So we move forward...but rest assured I am always aware of both the negative and positive impact I have on Redpepper's heart.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 01-21-2011 at 05:48 AM.
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  #65  
Old 01-21-2011, 05:47 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Love can be hard. It can be so hard that it hurts...a lot !

best wishes during the hard times...
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  #66  
Old 01-21-2011, 05:55 AM
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best wishes during the hard times...
Thank you my friend...but they are mostly good times just so you know. It's a balance that is more than often tilted to wondrous happiness
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  #67  
Old 01-21-2011, 06:04 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Yes, of course

hard times will be there though...for any relationship. In many ways...it's the hard times that are really valuable - they get a bad rap really...

I've certainly found that hard times in my life and/or in a relationship are the times when I have learned the most lessons...
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  #68  
Old 01-21-2011, 07:00 PM
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Hugs,
I understand completely.
I understand perfectly how the energy shared needs to be controlled to healthy avenues AND how it can be healthy with PN and D, but not a new man.

Is that weird?
Maybe I'm an accidental poly?
Naw, But, I have spent a lifetime with loving monos-who've tried damn hard to understand and have always accepted me. I know there are limits to their health.

GG is so mono-like you. Ever since I first started getting to know you I've seen the emotional resemblances. He's ok with Maca, but a new man would throw things so out of kilter for him. I've been tempted before, but the truth is-it's not worth it. It's been a long time; because I love him and I just can't see that the value would be worth losing what we have worked so hard to build.

I promised him several years ago-there will never be another man. Never.

It's quite frustrating being around poly-groups becuase inevitably when people hear that I'm poly-the men flock. It does not make me feel wanted/loved/sexy/beautiful etc. It makes me feel sleazy. My being poly doesn't mean I'm available. No matter how often I say so, they don't seem to get it. I try very hard not to say that the reason I'm not available has anything to do with the GG or Maca. Because that only makes a bigger mess-even if it is somewhat true.
The deeper truth is that deep inside of me I decided that having these two men is what's best for me; and I want what's best for me. Having another man, which would mean losing some depth or another with at least one of theswe men; is not what is best for me. EVEN IF I PERIODICALLY CRAVE that "rocky road icecream"- it's never going to be good enough to warrant the "heavy workout" I'd need afterward to make up for it.



Hugs Mon
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  #69  
Old 01-21-2011, 07:28 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Hugs,
I understand completely.
I understand perfectly how the energy shared needs to be controlled to healthy avenues AND how it can be healthy with PN and D, but not a new man.

Is that weird?
Maybe I'm an accidental poly?
Naw, But, I have spent a lifetime with loving monos-who've tried damn hard to understand and have always accepted me. I know there are limits to their health.

GG is so mono-like you. Ever since I first started getting to know you I've seen the emotional resemblances. He's ok with Maca, but a new man would throw things so out of kilter for him. I've been tempted before, but the truth is-it's not worth it. It's been a long time; because I love him and I just can't see that the value would be worth losing what we have worked so hard to build.

I promised him several years ago-there will never be another man. Never.

It's quite frustrating being around poly-groups becuase inevitably when people hear that I'm poly-the men flock. It does not make me feel wanted/loved/sexy/beautiful etc. It makes me feel sleazy. My being poly doesn't mean I'm available. No matter how often I say so, they don't seem to get it. I try very hard not to say that the reason I'm not available has anything to do with the GG or Maca. Because that only makes a bigger mess-even if it is somewhat true.
The deeper truth is that deep inside of me I decided that having these two men is what's best for me; and I want what's best for me. Having another man, which would mean losing some depth or another with at least one of theswe men; is not what is best for me. EVEN IF I PERIODICALLY CRAVE that "rocky road icecream"- it's never going to be good enough to warrant the "heavy workout" I'd need afterward to make up for it.



Hugs Mon
I'm so glad you get where I am at LR. I agree with you, its not worth it. Still, its a kick in the pants when love springs out of friendship and it won't have a chance to bloom naturally.

There are many poly men, many men, that I just can't see what the attraction is about for others. That being said, I enjoy the attention of men and miss it frankly. I used to be able to enjoy that freely. I watch the others around me being courted and starting things with others and I am not part of that energy. It inevitably keeps me separated. If I am not available for sex, then I am not worth it to them.

Men like Leo stand out of the crowd. I met him before Mono and we have been friends ever since. He is different. He stood by me as a friend even though he was attracted to me. He gives me the space to be me and loves me regardless. That is REALLY rare! Really! Come on now, seriously, how often does that happen. Almost never. Usually people move on eventually and find someone else. It shows his commitment to me and my family. That is huge to me.

I'm really asking to be free to let things go where they may. But that would be a double standard cause where it would go would eventually be sexual in some way. I don't want to have Mono EVER look at me in discust and disappointment. He says he will still be my friend and family, but because I know how he feels about our sex I doubt he will be.
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  #70  
Old 01-21-2011, 07:29 PM
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I understand
Thank you for that LR. It really is appreciated
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