Advice: my monogamous partner and polyamorous me

[lovinhimloviner]

I don't see where Mr.Rusty said anything bad or wrong at all. From my own personal situation I know that H's GF who is mono does not understand us. That is not to say she doesn't love H she just doesn't get it. She just has to trust that he loves her and that's that. This way of living does not change that. Maybe you can explain what part of that post you didn't care for. I read it 4 times trying to figure it out.

[Carma]

Dear FL,
I'm not one for giving advice, but Al-Anon is a terrific support for someone living with/loving an alcoholic. There are usually meetings all over the place, you could check online. Al-Anon is not for the alcoholic, directly, it is for the people whose lives are affected by someone else's drinking. The fact that you even came out and stated that he has the problem is a huge step! It makes it hard to focus on yourself when you are worried about someone else's drinking problem. Best of luck to you!

[sage]

"loving a mono is fraught with difficulties because they just do not understand us.

Bless them, they have to take on trust that we truly love them and override all their feelings by acts of willpower."

I guess you have to be mono to be offended. The way this is written makes it sound like we are incapable of understanding polys. "Bless them" is something generally said to children or someone not quite with it. I agree that some monos never really understand their poly partner but that is certainly not true of all of us.

Personally if I couldn't understand poly and had to spend my whole life willing myself to trust that I'm loved I wouldn't be in this relationship.

[redpepper]

@Sage- I looked at your blog. Really good to know of a place where monos can read a personal story and thoughts on mono/poly relationships. Well done, I really enjoyed it.

I don't see the offense either although I could see how someone could. I guess I just don't think it was meant to be condescending. I guess if the author wants to clarify then that will be the only way to find out. I saw it as that they we're being empathetic towards monos and the struggle they have. Maybe I just use *bless them* differently? I dunno.

I am interested in your last comments on how you have come to a place of understanding. Mono hasn't at all and if you have neen reading along about our lives together you will know the compromises we have both made. I would love to know what you have learned. It might help us. Maybe here isn't the place, but on my blog would be good. He is staying and so am I and we are definitey trusting in our love at this point. Always have really.

Sorry for the hijack folks.

[nycindie]

I got the same "hit" from that post that Sage did. It seemed to me that MrRusty was saying that poly is definitely superior to mono, and that being mono is flawed in some way, because monos need more willpower to overcome their problems with not being able to trust the love of a poly person. Maybe it was not intended to mean that, but came across to us that way just due to how it was written.

[MrRusty]

[QUOTE=nycindie;61964]I got the same "hit" from that post that Sage did. It seemed to me that MrRusty was saying that poly is definitely superior to mono, and that being mono is flawed in some way

Well, I value candour but please can you try not to be quite so condemning!


Cindie, Sage, I guess I can see how you have got there but I am NOT saying poly is superior to mono, just that I am continually stunned by the amount of emotional effort my partner is putting in to letting me be myself even though what I do hurts her. I extrapolated that a lot of mono partners of poly people have the same scenario. They DEFINITELY have the bad end of the deal - how can you argue with that?

I am not sure that I - as a person, not representing all polys - would be loving enough to the same if we swapped. It's me that's inferior I believe.

Okay, perhaps 'bless them' was a bit patronising but please believe it came out of a heartfelt empathy for the situation of a mono who loves a poly.

Hopefully this goes some way to mitigating!

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by MrRusty

Well, I value candour but please can you try not to be quite so condemning!

I wasn't condemning you! You have a right to your opinions, whatever they are! I was just saying that I had a reaction to what you wrote, similar to a reaction someone else had, and expressed for me what it "seemed like" you meant -- in the hopes of getting clarification. Quite often, what is posted online is misunderstood. There was no intention to condemn you.

Cindie, Sage, I guess I can see how you have got there but I am NOT saying poly is superior to mono, just that I am continually stunned by the amount of emotional effort my partner is putting in to letting me be myself even though what I do hurts her. I extrapolated that a lot of mono partners of poly people have the same scenario. They DEFINITELY have the bad end of the deal - how can you argue with that?

I am not sure that I - as a person, not representing all polys - would be loving enough to the same if we swapped. It's me that's inferior I believe.

Okay, perhaps 'bless them' was a bit patronising but please believe it came out of a heartfelt empathy for the situation of a mono who loves a poly.

Hopefully this goes some way to mitigating!

Got it. Much clearer now. I don't know if a mono would always necessarily agree that they have the "bad end" of the deal, however -- else why would they stay in a mono/poly relationship at all? Also, I would hazard a guess that it probably takes the same amount of emotional work for both parties in a mono/poly relationship, but each just has different issues or stuff to work on. I do understand better what you meant, though. Thanks!

[MrRusty]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I don't know if a mono would always necessarily agree that they have the "bad end" of the deal, however -- else why would they stay in a mono/poly relationship at all? !

Well, I'm pretty sure my mono reckons she has the sticky end of things, but nice if others don't have that issue.

As to why they'd stay, maybe 30 years together - and the fact that we still love each other might have something to do with it

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by MrRusty

As to why they'd stay, maybe 30 years together - and the fact that we still love each other might have something to do with it

Right, so that cancels out the "bad end of things!"

[sage]

You're forgiven Mr Rusty

I agree with everything Nycindie has said. There maybe some monos who stay with their polys out of fear (although personally I think it would just be too uncomfortable) but the ones I communicate with on the polymono board and here are largely in their relationships because they serve them very well.

Some of us do work hard, especially initially but often something that is hard work is appreciated all the more.

I agree with Nycindie also in that there are different issues on both sides and while my end was probably more "sticky" in the beginning I no longer think that's the case. My polymono relationship has enabled me to grow to the point where I am really, really happy and content within it. My partner is also very happy but he still has to contend with being parted from his OSO most of the time and I know he misses her. He has a need to push himself forward towards new relationships which can be fun and exciting but can also be draining. I honestly wouldn't trade.