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  #651  
Old 01-20-2011, 12:27 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Letting go of the fear that I will disapeear entirely or will wither and die might help in this Lilo. All of us have to be healthy and all of us have already survived a tonne of life experiences. Our hearts will persevere and our connection will remain no matter what the future holds. I have complete faith in our life commitment to support each other in the whatever way allows us to be free and healthy as family
I am relieved to hear that... I feel the same
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  #652  
Old 01-20-2011, 12:37 AM
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I am relieved to hear that... I feel the same
What we have is only a part of what we have built. We have challenged our families to accept us and in overcoming that obstacle have created a wider web of interlinked people than is often acknowledged.

I have little fear of what the future will bring because I already know what it holds....a place and time of healthy and caring individuals connected by shared experiences and love that can never be undone. Everything up to this very second is immortal and unreversible...we cannot lose what we already have. The shape of what we will have is yet detremined as it is with everything in life. This is one part of a grand adventure; a journey of learning
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  #653  
Old 01-20-2011, 12:41 AM
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Default mono poly relationships

So I see some stuff here. Bare with me.

-mono is invested in the relationship in more of a secondary way and therefore the poly can be free to love whom they chose whenever they chose as long as the people are not loved more than the mono. If they are then it might or not have a baring on the relationship between mono and poly. Depending on the depth that the mono has or how much they are willing to tolerate.
-mono loves the poly and expects that they stay with the loves they have and be in a poly fi situation for the stability and healthiness of their involvement in it. poly agrees to this until such time as it is not healthy for them.
-mono desires certain aspects of mono life to be fulfilled in a mono way only and expects/desires that the poly fulfil the requirements they have. poly either agrees or disagrees with the arrangement depending on how much they are willing to sacrifice to be healthy and maintain the relationship to any kind of length and depth.

thoughts? additions?
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  #654  
Old 01-20-2011, 12:49 AM
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live in the present and drop the 'what ifs' (they are to be pondered but not obsessed about); do ponder the advantages/disadvantages of talking to PN about the sex thing (if you are seeking to change something, speak up. If not, let it be). I'm also glad you are in a better place with the Leo situation. Go ahead and be his trophy for a bit. *hugs*
thanks for writing Eklectc. I always enjoy your posts and your seeming endless ability to have compersion even though you yourself are going through your own struggles. I admire that in a person greatly.

I am pondering today without fear or obsession. It feels like a much better approach.... I do have my moments where I slip though and dwell too much.

I have decided that if PN wants to talk about it he will. I am fine with how things are, so I shouldn't assume that just because I am so happy with my sex life that others aren't... I think that really I need to give him more attention and appreciation... so I am and its working.

I really am just a trophy to Leo I think. I told him about some other male friends I spend time with in terms of closeness (I haven't spoken of them here, but maybe will one day) and he said well you are poly I think he sees me as a friend that he could of had more with so why invest more when there will be none. Until he finds someone who can offer more, then I will be the one he treats and enjoys the company of. It will really hurt when he finds that someone though.
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  #655  
Old 01-20-2011, 12:53 AM
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You both worry that it might not remain sexual (right). Surely if the sexuality goes for one and not the other that is something that in a committed relationship can be worked through?

These kinds of things are a positive for me in polymono relationships because they force us to push through comfort zones that may never otherwise be challenged. "Love hurts". kids get hurt when they go to school or play sport but we would never suggest that we keep them locked up to prevent it.

I agree with the others, enjoy the wonderful present you've created for yourselves and have faith that the future "yous" will be eminently capable of handling whatever comes up. So you may hurt each other a bit in the process. Allowing hurt and loving each other through it is just part of the process.
Thanks Sage... it seems Mono agrees that we can get through whatever comes up if we love each other and have the will to be together... we have committed to being a family in whatever way that means I think and will adjust if we put our hearts and minds to it.

I agree that if the sex goes that our love won't. At least I can speak for myself on that. We are the best of friends also and share more than anyone else knows. We don't hold back on anything and that to me means that what we have can be sustained.

I like the sport kid analogy. Well worth remembering in all this. Thank you.
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  #656  
Old 01-20-2011, 01:00 AM
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So I see some stuff here. Bare with me.

-mono is invested in the relationship in more of a secondary way and therefore the poly can be free to love whom they chose whenever they chose as long as the people are not loved more than the mono.
Not necessarily. I expect you to love your husband more than me..or at least recognize the greater impact on your life that he has and therefore priotitize accordingly. I embrace and enjoy that. I see it as a sign of a committed partner and mother.

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-mono loves the poly and expects that they stay with the loves they have and be in a poly fi situation for the stability and healthiness of their involvement in it. poly agrees to this until such time as it is not healthy for them.
In my case, the boundary around other men was initially a key factor in moving forward with plans to live together as well as commit to a higher level of integration than most strive for. That changed to my acceptance that we could all still be family if the nature of our relationship becomes more friend than lover.

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-mono desires certain aspects of mono life to be fulfilled in a mono way only and expects/desires that the poly fulfil the requirements they have. poly either agrees or disagrees with the arrangement depending on how much they are willing to sacrifice to be healthy and maintain the relationship to any kind of length and depth.

thoughts? additions?
This last quote implies that the mono is making no sacrifice. In my case I made a lot of scarifices just as you did. I essentially gave up social ties that think something is inherently wrong with me. I have strained personal relationships with those closer to my daughter than anyone else (and thus affecting my goal to reconnect with her) ,but you are worth it so I accept that.

The mono person has a partner who has other partners which in itself is a sacrifice for many. The partners you have are not a sacrifice for me; I hold them above my own happiness.
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  #657  
Old 01-20-2011, 01:01 AM
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I agree that if the sex goes that our love won't. At least I can speak for myself on that. We are the best of friends also and share more than anyone else knows. We don't hold back on anything and that to me means that what we have can be sustained.

Thank you.
All of this times 1000!! I love you and will always love you
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  #658  
Old 01-20-2011, 01:05 AM
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Not necessarily. I expect you to love your husband more than me..or at least recognize the greater impact on your life that he has and therefore priotitize accordingly. I embrace and enjoy that. I see it as a sign of a committed partner and mother.
I forgot the mono in a relationship with someone who has a primary! how could I forget! *hand slapped into my forehead*

Just so you know this part wasn't about you Mono, it is part of figuring out what works and what doesn't in a mono/poly dynamic.

really good points though.
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  #659  
Old 01-20-2011, 01:06 AM
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Just so you know this part wasn't about you Mono, it is part of figuring out what works and what doesn't in a mono/poly dynamic.

really good points though.
Not to worry Sunshine I think this type of learning through sharing is great!
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  #660  
Old 01-21-2011, 08:13 AM
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Got a text from Leo to tell me he had a good meeting... he cancelled our date tonight to go to it. He was drunk and walking home as he couldn't drive. Its about 15 kms to his house so I went and got him and took him home. It was nice to do that and I felt like I could participate in his life in some way. It made me feel needed. I am also taking his girl out on Sunday afternoon with my boy... they are the same age and friends (as we all camp together). I am looking forward to that too.

I talked to Derby today and was entirely overly sarcastic about a bunch of stuff. It made me feel bad after as I was negative and hurtful without meaning to be. She is a lovely woman who deserves more than what I could give today. I am feeling very negative and she bore the brunt of that...

I went to see a movie tonight with PN. Same one I went to last week with Mono. What could I do, they wanted to see the same movie *shrug* He really enjoyed it and so did I. We all like the same movies in this house. It rocks! PN was happy as he feel asleep. Good movie, good chat and good sex... all good.

So I got two thumbs up today and one down... The day before it was the same, just different loves... I try.
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