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  #11  
Old 08-29-2009, 06:56 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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What I was trying to say before when I said I didn't want to reveal certain things about myself yet, what that basically was was that I don't really like people all that much and I just wish they would mind their own business and stay out of mine.

I have said that before, but I was in a bullshitty mood this morning because of something I read on Fakebook (which is also my problem and not the person who posted it's problem.

There is no real insight to be had from my comment regarding the OP. But, it does color my attitude when responding to stories about how other people react to something. This board is supposed to be about support, understanding, and acceptance, and I am afraid of crossing the line into cynicism and negativity and making enemies or getting kicked off, but on the other hand, I'm not really afraid of that and it wouldn't surprise me at all. Except I haven't pissed anyone off so far.

Sorry about the detour. I return you to the scheduled programming.
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  #12  
Old 08-30-2009, 03:15 AM
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Sunshinegrl Sunshinegrl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
I'm not usually mean-spirited. But, honestly, if they're jealous or envious, let them go out and find their own (person, place, thing) that makes THEM happy. I'm not saying I'm never envious or jealous, it's human nature. But I get over it pretty quickly and DO something about these feelings. In other words, I find my own happiness. And I make a decision to be happy for those I care about, even if I do wish I had what they have. You keep being happy. Let them waste their own lives envying you. But remind them that they can work towards happiness as well and be willingto show them how. You are only responsible for the happiness of yourself and for doing what you can to bring about the happiness of those you love and who love you and work towards your happiness in return. It took me years (and alot of going without to make other people happy) to learn this. And I still forget sometimes.
This.

Im sure that Many people do get envious of things I have, Im envious of those of my friends who have things that I dont. I dont let it control me or my life. I usually find ways to make it happen for me If i want it so much. I believe sometimes Envy or Jealousy can be a positive thing too. I know with My BFF Her Envy of My weight loss has Spurred her to do something about her own weight issue. So I dont think that Envy is only a negative thing. Now If the Envy or jealousy is Causing this person to be a bad/negative friend Then I would probably think about talking to them about it.
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  #13  
Old 08-31-2009, 06:07 AM
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wow, what a hugely long response.... sorry, I'm just too tired to read it all right now. I will tomorrow.... please don't think I haven't noticed or haven't cared....

thanks for the responses.
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  #14  
Old 09-03-2009, 10:52 AM
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I had another thought on this. If envy or jealousy arises in a romantic partnership, generally I'll work on that very hard with the partner. I'll also work on it with the respect for the love and care we've built together. I think most people would approach it in a similar way.

I hold my friendships in life to be just as important as my romantic partnerships. So why would I treat a jealousy or envy issue with my friend any differently than I would treat it with my partner?
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  #15  
Old 09-03-2009, 01:47 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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I have encountered this to some degree, I guess. I've had some people who have struggled with find one person worth loving make comments about my having two people to love who love me back.

I haven't let it get to me, though. I am far from perfect, but I've worked really hard to get to a place where I was mentally ready and healthy enough to be in a relationship. Just before I met my husband, I'd reached a point of realizing that settling was far worse than being alone - and I'd decided there would be no more settling for me. He and I had a rough first year, but we worked through it, and were all the stronger for that work.

I have definitely had female friends who were incredibly envious of my relationship with him. He's an amazing guy... also not perfect, but closer than most . He makes me laugh when I want to cry, he's been my partner through a lot of loss and trouble, and without him life could never be as sweet. So, I guess what I'm saying is, I get the envy.

We added our girlfriend to this, and well... most people just don't get it. Generally speaking, the reactions have been, well, if you're happy, I guess that's good. Which is probably the most positive reaction I could expect from most people. I guess "coming out" made me realize that I had some really good friends, because I was worried more of them might decide to distance themselves or walk away because of our GF.

So, when I see someone who is envious, it just reminds me of how much I have. While I often say that I am fortunate, I also know that I've worked really hard to maintain my relationships. The one with my husband hasn't needed much "work" since that first year, but *I* had work to do even after I met him to feel worthy of love, worthy of a healthy relationship. Now, we're all working to try to make the triad something that can grow and develop into the sort of rare bond that my husband and I shared before her (and still do separately from what we share with her, if that makes sense).

I guess my point is, happiness is not something we're just given. We work to be happy. It's foolish to think it can just fall into your lap, no matter how easily love comes to you. It's also foolish to think that you can love and be happy when you don't give it 100% of who you are. So, in regards to outside envy, I just see it as, well... I've worked hard to have what I do, and I'm very fortunate that I was able to see things I needed to do in order to be healthy enough to find this sort of love, and I'm very thankful that I have a partner (now two) that loves me enough to be there for me while I continue to grow as a person, and as a partner.
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  #16  
Old 09-03-2009, 02:34 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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I think it's important to remember that experiencing envy isn't the same as being disappointed that happiness hasn't fallen into their lap. Being envious doesn't mean that they're not aware of all of the hard work that goes into creating happiness. A person can feel envy and still appreciate all of that. I guess I wonder why people feel the need to isolate themselves from envy or why they consider it a hurtful thing to be around.
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  #17  
Old 09-03-2009, 02:45 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I think it's important to remember that experiencing envy isn't the same as being disappointed that happiness hasn't fallen into their lap. Being envious doesn't mean that they're not aware of all of the hard work that goes into creating happiness. A person can feel envy and still appreciate all of that. I guess I wonder why people feel the need to isolate themselves from envy or why they consider it a hurtful thing to be around.

I think of envy as a non-zero-sum concept, and jealousy as a zero-sum-concept (even if these are not in the dictionary definitions).

Envy means someone else has something that you wish you had for yourself also, while jealousy means you wish that the other person did not have it if you can't have it too.

If you're married or whatever, and your partner has a boyfriend or girlfriend, you could say "I envy that" meaning that you want a BF or GF too but don't want them to give up what they have.

If you said "I'm jealous of that" it is like as if it's a competition and in order to "feel equal" someone would have to give up something the other person doesn't also have.
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  #18  
Old 09-03-2009, 08:16 PM
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Ygirl: I like how you put the differences between jealousy & envy. This is something that has come up recently in regards to Elric and myself. He has mentioned a couple gals on FB often enough for me to feel something but I wasn't sure quite what. Using your definitions I can deduce that what I feel is envy, I am envious of the other gals because I wish I could have the attention he is giving them for myself. Thanks!

It seems that envy is an okay part of compersion while jealousy is something we would not want in compersion so must work through and get rid of. Yes?
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  #19  
Old 09-03-2009, 08:19 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post

It seems that envy is an okay part of compersion while jealousy is something we would not want in compersion so must work through and get rid of. Yes?

I thought of that too.
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  #20  
Old 09-04-2009, 12:01 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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YGirl, I like your definition.

I don't have a problem with envy. Jealousy can be destructive, but envy usually isn't, and if it is, it hurts the person feeling that way, and not me (unless I'm the one feeling the envy, haha).
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communication, compassion, compersion, emotions, envy, feelings, jealous, jealousy, monogamy, poly, polyamory, possessiveness, relationship dynamics, relationship structures, relationships, respect, self esteem, unconscious

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