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Old 01-20-2011, 07:52 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Default FNG with questions

hello I'm just another FNG with roughly 1000 questions. Back story is married 15 yrs 2 kids, house, dog, etc... about 7-8 months I was reluctantly pushed into this lifestyle. It seems I was sold one thing and I really have'nt realized the benefits yet. Like I said I have lots of questions. 1. about how long down this path will I see something positive for me and the rest of the family? 2. Have you seen situations where someone really likes aspects of their life and instead of ending a relationship and starting over which maybe hard, they use poly as a way to transition to something else? I not sure I trust what I'm being told. At the very least her actions are somewhat disconnected from her words. Well 997 to go thank for giving us a place to at least organize our thoughts let alone draw from each others experiences .
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Old 01-20-2011, 08:00 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Welcome.

What's an FNG?
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 01-20-2011, 08:03 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Welcome.

What's an FNG?
fucking new guy...
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Old 01-20-2011, 08:07 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
hello I'm just another FNG with roughly 1000 questions. Back story is married 15 yrs 2 kids, house, dog, etc... about 7-8 months I was reluctantly pushed into this lifestyle. It seems I was sold one thing and I really have'nt realized the benefits yet. Like I said I have lots of questions. 1. about how long down this path will I see something positive for me and the rest of the family? 2. Have you seen situations where someone really likes aspects of their life and instead of ending a relationship and starting over which maybe hard, they use poly as a way to transition to something else? I not sure I trust what I'm being told. At the very least her actions are somewhat disconnected from her words. Well 997 to go thank for giving us a place to at least organize our thoughts let alone draw from each others experiences .
Hi dinged I can only say that there are benefits. (my situation at the beginning was much like yours) Not knowing much about your situation it is hard to comment in a vacuum about what your wife is thinking/doing. Are you able to talk much without arguing? That's the way forward. This has all happened for a reason. But she is still with you for a reason too. I would not assume that she has not left you because that would be more difficult. This is harder. Good luck
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Old 01-20-2011, 08:24 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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my wife says she didn't want things to change it was more of an addition. However our "dates, sex plain time spent together feels like its out of fairness and or obligation. Not the type of thing that brings people together. Trust me I have plenty friends and activities to keep me more than busy, " don't do me any favors by spending time with me". Its alot a little things, Ive told her its like death by a thousand paper cuts. The first fifty you can handle its the last hundred that kills you.

another quick note Im not just new to this forum but to forums in general I pay people to do things on computers, but because of the private nature of this is back to school. This could be the first benefit ... me being able to use these machines better.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 03-15-2011 at 11:21 PM.
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Old 01-20-2011, 08:37 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Hi dinged,

Sorry for your troubles. Welcome to the forum.

Like vodkafan, I also believe there are plenty of benefits to polyamory, enough to have agreed to make the transition from traditional monogamy. BUT it certainly is not for everyone. Not by a long shot. The only person who can decide for you is YOU.

Not knowing any more about your situation, I can only offer some generalizations that I have found to be true. So, in no particular order:
  • When a person's actions do not agree with his/her words, trust what s/he DOES. Words can be just so much hot air; actions reveal the heart.
  • Polyamory is a lot of hard work for everyone involved.
  • If a polyamorous situation is not working for everyone concerned, IT'S NOT WORKING and needs to be fixed.

Good luck to you, however your situation works out.
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Old 01-20-2011, 09:15 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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thanks vodkafan, fidelia for your responses. I think the trust issue hits the nail on the head. I'm having trouble trusting 100% what I'm told but thats because of shading of the truth omission of facts. I dont trust the bf. We had two face to face meetings. Both unplanned on my part. The first meeting they showed up at my office saying they wanted to park wife's car.
No big deal but after more conversation things they said did'nt add up. If it had been me I just would have said something like might well get this out of the way... overall alike weird but I wrote it off to the situation. Later I viewed it as some sort of recon mission. Second meeting was at a party at a friends home which I had know idea he and his wife were going to be there until I was walking up to the house. This event started off harmless enough until I made a joke about myself and he thought he would funny to pile on. Now I have extremely thick skin so anyone of my friends or even my employee could have said the same thing and I would have laughed. I didn't I guess I shot him a look that scared my wife into jumping in and changing the topic. I did say something like " thats alittle personal for somebody I just met. The vibe I got is he had read my file so to speak and I was flying blind. Bottom line nothing to date has significantly changed my mind.
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Old 01-20-2011, 10:46 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Just a few threads you might find useful:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...2218#post62218

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...ighlight=monos

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...ighlight=monos (Ignore the thread name)
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Old 01-21-2011, 12:57 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I would suggest that you do a whole lot of reading and searching on here; you and your wife. It sounds like she is going in relatively blind also. There are definite tried and true ways to go about doing things that you can try and see if they work for you. Others have gone before you and it all does get easier, more grounded and eventually normalized. You have just started... I have been doing this for 12 years. Take it slow, realize there is a big learning curve and start learning and educating others. You have come to a great place to get advice, support and to eventually give support to others if you like. Telling your story as it pans out can be really beneficial and rewarding... we are all in this together and all here to help.

I suggest that you start with a tag search of "lessons" "foundations" and read some of the blogs that people have written. Mine is about my life with my husband, child, and live in boyfriend... among other partners. There are many others with similar stories.

good luck!
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Old 01-21-2011, 08:04 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I think the trust issue hits the nail on the head. I'm having trouble trusting 100% what I'm told but thats because of shading of the truth omission of facts. I dont trust the bf. We had two face to face meetings. Both unplanned on my part. . . .
No big deal but after more conversation things they said did'nt add up. I . . . overall alike weird but I wrote it off to the situation. Later I viewed it as some sort of recon mission. Second meeting was at a party at a friends home which I had know idea he and his wife were going to be there until I was walking up to the house. . . . This event started off harmless enough until . . . I guess I shot him a look that scared my wife into jumping in and changing the topic. I did say something like " thats alittle personal for somebody I just met. The vibe I got is he had read my file so to speak and I was flying blind.
Can you talk to your wife about all of this? This business of just showing up at your office sounds hinky to me. And about his being at the party: did your wife know and just not tell you until you were walking up, or was it something else? Because I know that in those same circumstances my Fidelio would have been none too pleased. And for the iffy bf to crack wise at Fidelio's expense? That would have gone over like a fart in church.

Can you tell your wife about your feeling he had read your file? I assume she's the one who would've filled him in.

And where does his wife stand in all of this?

The more I learn about your situation, the more I lean toward thinking you all need to work on communication. Especially between you and your wife. Since you feel the trust between you has been undermined, the two of you together need to come up with a plan to fix that, and asap. If it were me, I would ask that we put further poly explorations on hold for a time so that we could concentrate on repairing our marriage, which would be my top priority.
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