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  #11  
Old 01-19-2011, 06:23 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Yes, I do want to be your friend! I love friends! (Is there something official? Do I need to sign a form or something?! )
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  #12  
Old 01-19-2011, 06:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrladyslipper View Post
I am the husband . . . My thought (knowing him so well) was to email him a simple message (not to much info, just a right amount) and state that we want to come over to his house this wkend and talk about our feelings for him. Maybe not stay to long so he can think about it after we leave. I just dont want to stop over at his place and then bring up the subject (no warning about the subject), corner him in and no place to go. I think this might work well but we have never done this before.
This sounds good. I was thinking along those lines -- that an email could be sent first just to say that there is something important you'd like to discuss. I would not recommend using alcohol (or drugs) as a ruse to express your desires, as I think your communication would be better and come across as more heartfelt if unfettered by a substance. It's different (and absolutely fine) if it happens that way naturally, but as a "set-up" to make uncomfortable discussion easier -- no. It could get sloppy and create something you don't really want.

Anyway, when you do go to his place to talk to him, you could broach the subject by saying how much you've valued his friendship through the years, and express your feelings toward him as a friend first. Then you could go into how you two have been reading about different ways of being in relationship, are interested in exploring new possibilities for your marriage, and have decided to open up your relationship. Then say that you really want to start with someone you already love and trust, and ask if he would consider going beyond friendship with you. You would probably do well to also acknowledge that this is new to you and that you both feel a bit awkward asking, so that puts you all on the same level playing field, and let him know that his decision either way will not affect the friendship that already exists between you.

It still isn't clear to me whether you both want to be sexually involved with this friend, or are only interested in him as another partner for Ms. Ladyslipper only. So make sure you are clear in expressing to him what it is you both want.

Look in his eyes and draw on the friendship you already have to speak to him with love and compassion and, no matter how nervous you are about it, it will be all right.
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  #13  
Old 01-19-2011, 07:05 PM
ladyslipper ladyslipper is offline
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TL4, that is a great story! Thanks for sharing, eases my mind a bit. Too bad it couldn't go on with a 4th in the mix!
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  #14  
Old 01-19-2011, 07:09 PM
ladyslipper ladyslipper is offline
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Great advice nycindie, thank you so much. We have decided to go this route with a short e-mail to prepare him for a discussion we hope to have when he is ready.

We are not keen on me having a separate fling with the 3rd and I've always wanted two at once anyway. We hope he will be open to both of us together. The nature of our friendship has this type of balance among all three of us so we are optimistic it could move to the next level that way.

Last edited by ladyslipper; 01-19-2011 at 07:43 PM.
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  #15  
Old 01-19-2011, 07:27 PM
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Originally Posted by ladyslipper View Post
Great advice nycindie, thank you so much. We have decided to go this route with a short e-mail to prepare him for a discussion we hope to have when he is ready.

Mr. Ladyslipper is not keen on me having a separate fling with the 3rd and I've always wanted two at once anyway. We hope he will be open to both of us together. The nature of our friendship has this type of balance among all three of us so we are optimistic it could move to the next level that way.
Hi, glad to be of some help. Okay, I'm still not clear about how you two want to be involved, and I hope you don't mind my asking again. It is clear that you want a threesome (for lack of a better word) together, but does that mean your husband Mr. Ladyslipper will also be physically intimate with this third person, or just present while you are with him? I am asking not for prurient interest, but to stress how important it is -- for your friend -- for you both to be clear about what it is you want. He may be interested in one of those options but not the other. You don't have to answer me on this, but be sure to be upfront and specific when you communicate to him. Of course, it's obvious that it's more than just the sex that you want in the relationship, but it's important to get that part across very clearly.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-19-2011 at 07:31 PM.
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  #16  
Old 01-19-2011, 07:28 PM
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It might be just semantics, but it is a *triad* that you are proposing if you all intend to be sexual and in love with each other. I would suggest you look at thread tagged "secondary" as there are many issues that could come up.

I am thinking you are in a bit of NRE over all of this and that is fine, but preparing is really beneficial before hand so as to not confuse things. Precautionary meassures are better than fixing things when they go wrong.

Ya, alcohol and drugs of any kind might produce a one night stand. At least in my experience that is all they have produced. Not to mention they can lead to taking a toll on ones *self* I would suggest staying sober and aware of everything as you go. Better to not jump into sex and work on the relationship. You are looking for more than sex it seems and that is poly. Otherwise its more like swinging and having an open relationship. All good, but different. Poly is confusing enough as it is. Adding sex right away can make it more so.
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  #17  
Old 01-19-2011, 07:43 PM
ladyslipper ladyslipper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
It might be just semantics, but it is a *triad* that you are proposing if you all intend to be sexual and in love with each other. I would suggest you look at thread tagged "secondary" as there are many issues that could come up.

I am thinking you are in a bit of NRE over all of this and that is fine, but preparing is really beneficial before hand so as to not confuse things. Precautionary meassures are better than fixing things when they go wrong.

Ya, alcohol and drugs of any kind might produce a one night stand. At least in my experience that is all they have produced. Not to mention they can lead to taking a toll on ones *self* I would suggest staying sober and aware of everything as you go. Better to not jump into sex and work on the relationship. You are looking for more than sex it seems and that is poly. Otherwise its more like swinging and having an open relationship. All good, but different. Poly is confusing enough as it is. Adding sex right away can make it more so.
Whew, here I thought I had all this terminology figured out! LOL
There is def some NRE going on and preparing is exactly what we are here for and will continue to do. I'm reading as much as I can, thanks for the tips!

My husband is bi-curious but we do not know about the newbie's preference in this regard. The only thing we are not open to is my having a separate sexual relationship with our friend.

We began looking into this lifestyle more because it started feeling like the 4 of us (husband, wife, friend, daughter) were experiencing the closeness of a family. I think approaching it slowly is definitely the way to go.
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  #18  
Old 01-19-2011, 07:49 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I guess the first step would be making sure that he's bisexual? If you intend to both have a relationship with him. But I'm assuming you already know that he is or you wouldn't go further :P
I think there really isn't a way to go slowly with something like that. It's going to be a shock either way. This being said, how you deal with it is what matters. Make sure there is no pressure and that he feels respected whatever his choice is, and I think you should be fine. If what you want is a triad and not a vee, make it clear that you want to both be with him, as he might have interest in only one of you.

If, however, what you want is for him to be with you only, but only with your husband present, then that's a bit different. Either way, make it clear what you want and don't want.
I personally think that would be a bit harder, because having sex with someone for the first time can be pressuring, but if there is someone else watching that could make it more awkward. But I don't know him, maybe that's his kind of thing!

Either way, you seem to say he would only have sex if both of you are present. Whether you're looking for a triad or a vee, it's important to be clear on that point, as it means you'd be having sex with just the two of you, but he'd only be able to have sex with both of you present, which could seem unfair if he wasn't warned from the get go.
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  #19  
Old 01-19-2011, 08:03 PM
ladyslipper ladyslipper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
If, however, what you want is for him to be with you only, but only with your husband present, then that's a bit different. Either way, make it clear what you want and don't want.
I personally think that would be a bit harder, because having sex with someone for the first time can be pressuring, but if there is someone else watching that could make it more awkward. But I don't know him, maybe that's his kind of thing!
Yes, that is what we want. What you pointed out is a concern of mine which, I guess, will ultimately be up to him.

We are not sure if he is bi at all. He talks very little if ever about this side of himself. I've actually wondered if he was celibate in the past. But I don't think you have to be bi to be with the same lady at once... ?

Thanks for your imput.
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  #20  
Old 01-19-2011, 08:15 PM
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I think if I were you I would be asking what if he only is interested in one of us? What if we start out as three and one of us loses interest? What kind of consessions will we make for private time?
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