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Old 01-18-2011, 06:37 PM
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redevil redevil is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 21

My choice of words has been jumped on from the beginning in this and it's a bit frustrating. I was speaking for my bf, not because of a him and I against my hubby mentality but because he is not here to defend his actions and behaviors in this. From the beginning, it was said that he and I were not being supportive, that we were not going at this the right way and that we should be moving at hubby's pace. I've expressed to him to come here and do more then just read so from now on I will not speak for him, only for myself.

I stay up until all hours of my night in order to talk this over and under with my hubby as he is 14 hours ahead of me. I do this knowing that he needs this support and deserves it for even considering something so far outside of his realm of normal. I am not very good with emotional things, never have been but as frustrated as I get I always come back to the situation. My world has begun to revolve around this at the exclusion of other things, the only thing not falling to the wayside is our 4 children. I understand what I am asking for him to accept is a lot and I am so proud of him for coming as far as he has. I knew going into this that it would be easier if I waited until we were together, so that this wasn't done long distance however that would have meant hiding it and that wasn't something I even considered. I am in this for the long haul with him, and will do whatever it takes for him to feel better about this situation but most importantly about himself.

It has been asked if I feel that I spend more time with the bf then with my husband, time wise, no I don't. However much of the time spent with my hubby is not dedicated one on one time as his children only have limited times that they can see him due to our schedules, and therefore he and I have less time just us. That said, my bf only receives dedicated one on one time if the chance occurs which is not often. I am a firm believer that it's not all about quantity but rather about the quality of time spent together.

I do struggle to understand some of the things that upset my hubby because a good chunk of things are not actual actions or situations, rather things that he has thought up and imagined. I myself am not a person who goes down the what if road and so I have trouble following, however I know that this is the way that he processes and I try very very hard to go with him on his journey. While reminding him that we are heading down a self destructive path that's not always necessary. Do I always handle it the best way, no but I do provide every reassurance I can. I don't fight clean, he knows that, and when he attacks and lashes out at me, I don't sit and take it. It is a constant back and forth.

This thread has helped a few things come to head with us, and for that I am thankful. However because his post came out of a frustrated place (his words not mine) he left out a lot of information that would have been pertinent before people started placing the blame at my feet and implying that I have not been trying, rather forcing this on him. I grew up in this lifestyle, both my parents and many of their friends and seeing this as a "normal" situation I learned a lot. I know that you can't do this without a strong relationship without everyone involved being willing to put in the effort, to step out of their comfort zone for a moment and put themselves in the other person's shoes. The last 2 months have been spent focused on the idea I brought to the table, and I don't think that it is far fetched to ask him to take a break from that to focus on him and I for just a day. We are not near each other, will not physically be in the presence of one another until this summer. Your average bonding techniques don't work when all you have is Skype and Yahoo. This additional stress hasn't made anything easier.

My intent has never been to ask him to push his feelings aside or have I told him that they don't matter. I have not pushed past any guidelines or requests that my hubby has made in regards to myself and my bf. He has not made any or set any, though we have asked so that we can help to make him comfortable. The things that we have done, are things that myself or my bf did or do in an attempt to put the hubby more at ease. In reading through some of these well intentioned responses, assumptions were made in that regard that were just that. I found this site and recommended it to the hubby and bf to help us through this and so far it has. I do wish the help didn't begin as a fight because of hurt feelings but I do appreciate the help. Our pace it seems is 2 steps forward and 1 step back and while that might be trying at times, it is still a step forward and in a good direction.
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:03 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999

Hi redevil,

I don't think anyone here was intentionally picking on you. Your husband started the thread, and so we were certainly aimed at him, and perhaps what you see as assumptions were in fact us just making sure you guys were going about things in a constructive way.

What do I mean by this? Well, for example, if I said, "Your wife and her bf should be going at your pace" that, to me, would get your husband thinking about whether or not that was happening. You both say it is, but we have to make sure before we can help any further, right? I can see how if you are already doing that, our questions might feel like assumptions.

To be honest, most people new to the forum don't have their shit together. We see a lot of "too much, too fast." We tend to ask direct questions. This can seem confrontational, but I assure anyone taking the time to offer insight is not a troll. We do weed those types out quickly. I know that I err on the side of "people don't have their shit together" until it becomes otherwise apparent, because you can't help someone if they don't have the basics down. Love, communication, respect.

As well, we all have our own baggage and perspectives. My hubby, who has posted on this thread, really struggled with jealousy at the outset of our poly relationship. I suspect he identifies much more with your husband than with you because of this. He's better able to offer suggestions based on what helped him.

So, I hope you'll all stay and if we seem to assume, don't hesitate to ask for clarification. There are some really wonderful, helpful people here who put in a lot of effort on the forums.
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Old 01-19-2011, 04:32 AM
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Lobster Lobster is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 4

Ok so if my Picture doesn't give it away, I am monoconfused, that profile and the name that came with it, was made at a time when I was not in a very good place, along with the initial post. Ordinarily I try to be a very rational person and lately I have not been. I am trying to deal with all of this without loosing my identity. So I have chosen a name that makes me feel like myself.

First of all thank you all for your help and support. I am dealing with this as best I can, although lately I have not been as rational as I like to be, like I said. I'm not sure how I can handle some of the specific issues I am having with them being together. Although I am doing ok dealing with the larger issue of them caring for each other. I guess now I have to deal with the specific things that would happen as a result of that.

As I said in the beginning the whole concept of poly is very foreign to me. In fact other than the stereotypes that I grew up with of Mormons having more than one wife (I was raised Mormon); this whole concept was introduced to me by my wife when we started dating and I met her mom, dad, and moms bf all at the same time. And believe me the irony of the fact that I was raised Mormon but I am having a hard time dealing with multiple relationships is not lost on me.

I'm not sure how or what the protocol would be on talking to a couple of you individually you seem to have been in a very similar situation to what I am going through and would love some more targeted advice. This is incredibly difficult for me and I don't think I can do this alone. But everyone else I have talked to, to include professional counselors have insisted that something is wrong and that fixing is needed. One even called her a sex addict. I guess the fact that it bothers me that someone would say that says something about my ability to deal with this, but at the same time I struggle every day. And my struggling has put a strain on my marriage, something I am not willing to give up for anything in the world
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Old 01-19-2011, 05:24 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Posts: 652

Originally Posted by redevil View Post

... (The hubby and I's time) My frustration comes into how every single conversation we have has to come back to the relationship between myself and the boyfriend. He's not willing to let it go for even a day so that we can talk about just us. Nothing and I mean nothing I say or do can distract him from this topic and it's painful.
I have dealt with issues like this before, and here's what worked for us: acknowledging that endlessly dwelling on and circling around an issue was draining the joy out of us, we agreed establish a set amount of time for venting, say 15 minutes or whatever you think you might need, and set a timer. During that time, our goal was to fully vent every negative thought/feeling/whatever to one another without blame, spite or recriminations. Just get it all out. ALL OF IT. Don't leave any tiny bit of it inside. Drain the wound. When the timer runs out, the venting is over, and it's time to move on to something else.

Obviously this won't work for every circumstance, but it has proven to be very effective for helping us break out of obessively dwelling on issues. Perhaps something like that might work for y'all.
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Old 01-19-2011, 06:30 AM
Laylah Laylah is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: alabama
Posts: 51

better to get it ALLL out... than to let all that negative energy swell up and make you all sick. stuff like that can make a person physically ill. So I know its silly.... but what i do when things bother me and I cant get over... WORK. and while im beating the shit outta a nail or whatever.. I talk about what is bothering me so bad. Then I feel better. maybe you and your wife could go do an extreme workout or something to get all that mess outta your system. Theres nothing at all wrong with either of you. Just gotta get past the primal instincts that we all have. Sometimes they get in the way of happiness.
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:19 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999

Originally Posted by Lobster View Post
I'm not sure how or what the protocol would be on talking to a couple of you individually you seem to have been in a very similar situation to what I am going through and would love some more targeted advice.
You can send a PM to someone by clicking "User CP" in the top right corner of this page. Then click the "Send new message" link under "Private Messages" on the lefthand side of your User Control Panel.

Alternately, I believe you can also click someone's name from their post and choose "Send Private Message." I can't tell on this one at the moment, as I'm on my phone.

Last edited by TruckerPete; 01-19-2011 at 12:46 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 01-19-2011, 05:32 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478

Hey Lobster,

My husband could have written a lot of what you have! It's so great we can all come here for support. We are not alone.
I just got to thinking that the Mormon concept of polygamy as well as the concept of polyamory are NOT the mainstream, so of course there is confusion!

I'm on here every day. I need to keep perspective, that what we're doing isn't crazy or terrible or ridiculous. Every now and then I hear Dr. Phil's voice in my head, all incredulous and judgemental!

I know there are plenty people in society who could not understand what my husband is doing, out of love for me, dedication to our marriage and our family, and also compassion for his friend. It's hard to have that pressure nagging at you, that people would not understand, would condemn you or encourage you to abandon your wife. I love coming to this forum and reading other people's love stories. How extraordinary to truly accept someone for who they are, to embrace the idea that more love cannot be a bad thing.

Lobster, pat yourself on the back for having an open mind and a good heart. Kudos for thinking outside the box and daring to see love as a power greater than ourselves. Glad you're here
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Old 01-21-2011, 11:46 PM
Del5158 Del5158 is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 12
Default What it is

Hey Monoconfused

I have been there and back again. My wife is 43 and I am 58. When I was where you are--my wife basically saying I am having a boyfriend whether you like it or not-- it sucked and I said no so my wife, after months of sneaking around, finally moved out but then moved back and renounced her relationship with Bill, the boyfriend. Five years have passed and we reopened the polyarmory discussion. I told her it wasn't the sex before, it was the lying and the one-sided way it was presented. We decided to look at it again from a different perspective with everything open and upfront. She now has three boyfriends, including Bill, and she couldn't be happier. And I love it. I could have girlfriends myself but don't want or need one at this time. I am just overjoyed to see her so happy and we have a deeper and more loving relationship than ever, and great, great sex. One rule we agreed too is that I always come first, even if it means breaking a date. The other guys are all cool with that too. If it is not right for you now, you have to take a chance at losing her. It can only work if you are both down with it.
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