Fears of loss in a Mono/Poly relationship

[MonoVCPHG]

I guess the difference for me is my fear was generated from the unknown of possible other new Lovers that may replace me as the "new guy".

I was not afraid to be cast aside by those already involved. I would step aside if they asked me to or if I thought I was hurting Redpepper's primary relationship with her husband.

My happiness in our polyamorous relationship is dependant on the well being of Redpepper and her family as well as in the immense love and passion we have. If thier happiness required me to not being an intimate person in Redpepper's life, I would gracefully reshape and re-direct my love for her but still be a part of thier lives if they wanted. She would still be my most trusted friend. This is not an indication of a "lack" of love, but an indication of the overwhelming extent of love I have for her.

Security does indeed come from inside to a great extent. But always tell your partners what you are feeling. It is a process that most will experience. You are not alone

[River]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Security does indeed come from inside to a great extent. But always tell your partners what you are feeling.

Everything is inside our experience and our relationships for us. (I include here our relationship not only with other humans, but also everything else in existence.) Nothing is outside, ultimately. Security sought from within the mistaken projection of an ultimate 'outside' or 'inside' is probably doomed to failure. No one "out there" can provide us with security. And no absolute interior -- "in here" -- can be found. No one is really entirely "out there". We're all in here, in some sense. That is, we're all in this pattern of relating which is our world.

[MonoVCPHG]

Nicely put my friend...nicely put.

[MonoVCPHG]

Just a quick comment about a related incident to fearing loss in any relationship.

A while back Redpepper and I had a relatively large misunderstanding of what each other needed to work towards our future. It gave us a brief and extremely painful glimpse of what losing each other would feel like. Luckily we both put our noses to the grindstone and spent a couple of exhausting days arriving at full understanding of what we really meant.

It was sickening for both of us but also taught us that our love and what we are building is worth a huge amount of work. Her husband was instrumental in grounding us as we became so wrapped up with the future that it was eating away at our present. We were trying to look at things in the future from the perspective of who we are today. That can be a very slippery slope.

I recommend having goals but not getting too caught up in the details. Certainly live in the present, not the future. Enjoy every minute with the people you love because those minutes will inevitably be the future and you'll probably wonder why you were so concerned...

Take care everyone

[MonoVCPHG]

The basis of this thread are unchanged. I only want to say that fear is no longer a part of my daily emotions...hope, dedication and love have washed over my once almost unbearable fear. Now I move forward in awe of what we are creating...conscience and aware of how special this truly is.