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Old 01-18-2011, 09:30 PM
ginnung ginnung is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1
Default Can't Wrap my Head Around This

Hey guys. I've been lurking like a fiend the last few days and reading everything I can find, but I'm still really struggling with something and if there's a better group of folks to discuss this with I haven't found them.

This is going to be a long post. Sorry in advance.

I've been the secondary in my first poly relationship for the last year and a half or so. S is married to B, and I'm seeing S with B's permission. Their sex life had dried up two years prior, and my involvement got S interested again which led to them being intimate again. B gets turned on by me being with S, and he likes having her describe the things we do together in detail. It started out with me coming over at night and leaving right afterwards, but early on I started spending more time with them outside of the bedroom as the relationship matured. They seemed surprised when I wanted to get to know B - I guess the previous people they were in a relationship with didn't even want to meet him, while I said from day one that I thought it was important for B and I to know each other so that everybody was on the same page.

The intimacy between B and S stopped a few months back because B started smoking, and S's mother died a few years back because of lung cancer attributed to smoking so it's a huge turn off for her. Four or five days ago, B cheated on S rather than talking to her or to myself about whatever he was dealing with. And everything just fell apart at that point. They were talking about getting divorced, S kicked B out of the house for a few days, and the whole thing just exploded.

Because I'm the secondary, I don't really know much about what has been happening because I'm not there, but suddenly they're saying things are OK again. Apparently, B was saying yesterday that they should buy a house with a basement apartment so that I can move in with them.

I'm having a lot of difficulty reconciling this in my head. For things to go so wrong and then suddenly be OK again after such a short time just doesn't make sense to me.

Part of what really bugs me is that I've been going out of my way to talk to B, to make sure he's happy with the arrangement, and he's been telling me everything is good on a weekly basis. Not a brush-off "fine" kind of response, but heartfelt expressions of being happy. So this came from out of nowhere as far as I can tell, and that really worries me. How do any of us know it won't happen again if there's no warning signs or indications to tell us there's a problem to deal with? S is telling me not to worry about it and that it's a problem between them, but that sounds to me like I should just ignore the problem and I don't see how that ever helps.

I'm also questioning what this relationship is, and what my role in it is. While I used to think everything was well laid out and clear, I'm now realizing that a lot of things just haven't been discussed. Is this a three person relationship in which everybody is involved, or is it two separate relationships with S in both? I've been thinking it's the former, and now it seems like they're treating it as the latter. And that completely changes where I sit when things like this happen, whether I'm part of finding the solution or whether I just vanish until they get it sorted out.

Anyway, I was hoping some of the folks here could offer some perspective to help me understand what's happening here. Right now I feel overwhelmed just wrapping my head around it. Thanks in advance!
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